Oh Luana, that's sadly true. 
Joke time
- Thread starter Ross
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Sunday Morning ***
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having *** would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having *** would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Health Warning -- Important!
Health Warning -- Important!
Health Warning -- very important!
Be careful, be extremely careful!
Never, ever swallow bubble gum!
Health Warning -- Important!
Health Warning -- very important!
Be careful, be extremely careful!
Never, ever swallow bubble gum!
hensylee
Well-known member
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having *** would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him,
grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
" I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all .
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then a wise-*** like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"
grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
" I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all .
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then a wise-*** like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"
have to give credit to my dad for this one:
An elderly couple are attending church services.
About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, " I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
An elderly couple are attending church services.
About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, " I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
hensylee
Well-known member
I'm raisin my hand! I got one, I got one!
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his
smile behind his hand.
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.
It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation?' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his
smile behind his hand.
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.
It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation?' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
hensylee
Well-known member
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. I once used one of them in response to unwanted mail and nearly broke up a family!
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
karen14
Well-known member
Five surgeons were talking
The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered. "
The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try
electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. "
The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the
best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "
The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like
construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over. "
But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he
observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, -- and the
head and the *** are interchangeable. "
The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered. "
The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try
electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. "
The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the
best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "
The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like
construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over. "
But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he
observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, -- and the
head and the *** are interchangeable. "
Amen, Freddie, Amen!
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software..
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'...... ........
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software..
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'...... ........
Thanks for a very good laugh!
Another Senior Joke
Another Senior Joke
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
.................................................................................................
A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
Another Senior Joke
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
.................................................................................................
A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore. When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."
Ross
Well-known member
Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist.......Ya Gotta Laugh !!!!!
Scientists
at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 3 pound dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of
collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test
it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made,
and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into
the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control
console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a
bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the
disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield
and begged the US scientists for suggestions. You're gonna love
this...
NASA responded with a one-line memo --
"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)
Scientists
at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 3 pound dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of
collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test
it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made,
and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into
the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control
console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a
bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the
disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield
and begged the US scientists for suggestions. You're gonna love
this...
NASA responded with a one-line memo --
"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)
Glenda
Well-known member
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived and examined the baby.
checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if
the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
'Breast fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pimnched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed
both breast for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'
I know, she said. I'm his Grandma but I'm glad I came.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived and examined the baby.
checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if
the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
'Breast fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pimnched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed
both breast for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'
I know, she said. I'm his Grandma but I'm glad I came.
Star54
Well-known member
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond..
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop
his ***** over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear'
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond..
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop
his ***** over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear'
Stavros Flatly, from last year, Britain's got talent:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHvATmUsSg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gHvATmUsSg
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One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book..The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
