Joke time
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JeffM
Well-known member
Unless there's a new steakhouse in town, I believe you owe an apology to one of the sponsors. I suspect the management at Gibson's would not be plea_ed about that missing "s".
oh no.............poor porky pig.........you have broken my heart.....you scoundrel
Oops!!
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates sadly were involved in a fatal plane crash and went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, “Tell me Al, what is of most importance to you.”
Al responded that he felt that the earth was of the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was extremely important.
God looked to Al and said, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand." God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.
Bill Clinton explained that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.
God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "And what is your main problem which is of most importance to you Bill Gates?”
Bill responded to God and said " I think you’re sitting in my seat.
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates sadly were involved in a fatal plane crash and went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, “Tell me Al, what is of most importance to you.”
Al responded that he felt that the earth was of the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was extremely important.
God looked to Al and said, "I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand." God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.
Bill Clinton explained that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.
God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "And what is your main problem which is of most importance to you Bill Gates?”
Bill responded to God and said " I think you’re sitting in my seat.
Grandma is an 88-year old lady who still drives her old Buick everywhere she goes. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Oh, Norma. Helarious!! My goodness...so funny and she is adorable with her innocense
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Georgian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Georgia boy smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Georgian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Georgia boy smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
karen14
Well-known member
LMAO, funny posts! Here's a short one:
A van was robbed today; was full of VIAGRA. There's going to be a STIFF penalty!
A van was robbed today; was full of VIAGRA. There's going to be a STIFF penalty!
Ross
Well-known member
Bubba, this here is what ya get when you mix your Deere with a whole lot of beer and a little bit of time. It do make Momma happy!!!
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
"Meals on Wheels".....now that's funny. Good one Bina
An elderly woman bought a parrot.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem,
that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot, and the next week she put him on her shoulder and
went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around,
squawked and said, "It's #$%# cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment!
The next day, she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.
The owner offered the following solution,
"If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs
and swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church
and sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked,
"It's #$%# cold in here!"
Without any hesitation, the woman
grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 times, and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said,
"Pretty !$%& windy, too!"
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem,
that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot, and the next week she put him on her shoulder and
went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around,
squawked and said, "It's #$%# cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment!
The next day, she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.
The owner offered the following solution,
"If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs
and swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church
and sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked,
"It's #$%# cold in here!"
Without any hesitation, the woman
grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 times, and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said,
"Pretty !$%& windy, too!"
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
karen14
Well-known member
Another Viagra Joke
Another Viagra Joke
Ok this is a little risque, so be warned! LOL.
Another Viagra Joke:
An old man jumped out of his chair and put his coat on. His elderly wife asks, "Where you going?" He says, "Imma go git me some of that Viagra!" So the wife gets up and puts her coat on as well, and the old man asks, "Now where are you going?!" She replies, "I need to go to the doctor too. If you're gonna put that rusty old thing in me, I need a Tetanus shot!"
giggles
Another Viagra Joke
Ok this is a little risque, so be warned! LOL.
Another Viagra Joke:
An old man jumped out of his chair and put his coat on. His elderly wife asks, "Where you going?" He says, "Imma go git me some of that Viagra!" So the wife gets up and puts her coat on as well, and the old man asks, "Now where are you going?!" She replies, "I need to go to the doctor too. If you're gonna put that rusty old thing in me, I need a Tetanus shot!"
giggles
Marcia58
Well-known member
Another Parrot Joke
An old lady bought a parrot from a sailor, who warned her that he'd been trying to clean up the bird's language, but had only been partially successful. He told her what he'd been doing when the parrot started cussing was to put it in the freezer for a couple minutes, and that seemed to work pretty well. The old lady thought she could handle it, and took the parrot home.
The next moring, she woke to the parrot squawking at the top of its lungs. "Where's breakfast? Polly wants a ^%&$% cracker!" The lady hopped out of bed, grabbed the parrot, tokd it firmly, "You will not talk like that!" and popped it in the freezer. After two minutes, she got worried and opened the freezer to check on her pet. The parrot hopped right out and squawked, "What are you doing, putting me in that (*&#($ cold place?!" She grabbed the parrot, said, "I told you, no swearing!" and put it back in the freezer. After five minutes, she checked again, got the same kind of response again, said, "No swearing!" and put the parrot back into the freezer again--this time for ten minutes. When the time was up, she opened the freezer and out hopped a shivering, much subdued bird.
The old lady asked the parrot, "Have you learned you lesson?"
"Y-y-y-yes, m-m-ma'am," answered the parrot, "b-but m-m-may I ask one qu-qu-question?"
"You may," said the old lady. "What is is?"
The bird said, "P-p-please, y-you g-g-gotta tell m-m-me!...
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"What did the turkey do???!!!"
An old lady bought a parrot from a sailor, who warned her that he'd been trying to clean up the bird's language, but had only been partially successful. He told her what he'd been doing when the parrot started cussing was to put it in the freezer for a couple minutes, and that seemed to work pretty well. The old lady thought she could handle it, and took the parrot home.
The next moring, she woke to the parrot squawking at the top of its lungs. "Where's breakfast? Polly wants a ^%&$% cracker!" The lady hopped out of bed, grabbed the parrot, tokd it firmly, "You will not talk like that!" and popped it in the freezer. After two minutes, she got worried and opened the freezer to check on her pet. The parrot hopped right out and squawked, "What are you doing, putting me in that (*&#($ cold place?!" She grabbed the parrot, said, "I told you, no swearing!" and put it back in the freezer. After five minutes, she checked again, got the same kind of response again, said, "No swearing!" and put the parrot back into the freezer again--this time for ten minutes. When the time was up, she opened the freezer and out hopped a shivering, much subdued bird.
The old lady asked the parrot, "Have you learned you lesson?"
"Y-y-y-yes, m-m-ma'am," answered the parrot, "b-but m-m-may I ask one qu-qu-question?"
"You may," said the old lady. "What is is?"
The bird said, "P-p-please, y-you g-g-gotta tell m-m-me!...
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"What did the turkey do???!!!"
Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland. At their freeway exit they saw a sign that read "Disneyland Left." So they went home.
How can you tell when a blonde has baked chocolate chip cookies? M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
How can you tell when a blonde has baked chocolate chip cookies? M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Yet another Parrot Joke:
Sue went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" Sue asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
Sue thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
Sue was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, Sue's husband, Doug, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"..Hi Doug."
Sue went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" Sue asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
Sue thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
Sue was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, Sue's husband, Doug, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"..Hi Doug."
Ohhhh, that's a good one.
A group of 40 year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it
was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it
was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it
was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it
was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it
was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it
was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
