Joke time

[Marcia58]

George and Harriet scrapped like cats and dogs, all through their married life, but somehow, they stuck it out and reached their 50th wedding anniversary. To celebrate, they decided to visit Jerusalem. Things went along as usual (snipe, snipe, grumble, grumble) until about their third day there, when Harriet suddenly died!

After embalming her, the undertaker informed George that he had a decision to make. "For $15,000 we can fly your wife back to the States for burial, or for only $300 she can be buried here, in the Holy Land."

After only a moment's thought, George announced that he was shipping Harriet home to the family plot. The undertaker asked why, and George answered, "Well, I've heard that years ago, there was a guy who died and was buried around here, and three days later, came back to life. And, well, to be honest...



...I just can't take that chance!"

 

[Rich]

Political term limits

Political term limits

*Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms.*


*One in office*
*One in prison*


* **Detroit and Chicago already do this.** *

 

[hensylee]

truer words were never spoken, Rich. They lie to us, they cheat us, and we need a whole new set - but they'd be not better. The honest calling to higher office just ain't there anymore...... if it ever was.

 

[Ross]

Windows suffers pumphead

Windows suffers pumphead

Evidently Windows suffers pumphead also!

 

[Bina]

Ross, we need another version of that error msg.
Windows cannot find your file....would you like a hammer?

 

[Ross]

Ross, we need another version of that error msg.
Windows cannot find your file....would you like a hammer?

Here ya go, just for you!

 

[Bina]

Very cool, Ross, thanks !

 

[Greg a]

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.


These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'


the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,

'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'


'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'


'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'

'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her

 

[Cooker]

"Cremation, Think outside of the box":biggrin2:

 

[Cooker]

Men have two emotions ... hungry and horny ... if he does not have an erection fix him a sandwich ... :biggrin2:

 

[Ross]

Men have two emotions ... hungry and horny ... if he does not have an erection fix him a sandwich ... :biggrin2:

I must always be hungry.

 

[Cooker]

I must always be hungry.

Now this explains why Subway came up with the $5 Foot-long:tongue2:

 

[Ross]

Now this explains why Subway came up with the $5 Foot-long:tongue2:

Perhaps, but Quizno's has more meat!

 

[njean]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried Chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Well guess where I am now...

 

[Cris N]

There are funny jokes and then there are the ones where you laugh til you cry. You got me on that one. I tried to read it to my DH but when I came to the lines

She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken

I just lost it. Thanks for a good laugh.

 

[Ross]

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

[ link ]

 

[Luana]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well... You'll love this one.

My name is Alice and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1975, why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat ***,

gray-haired,

decrepit

son-of-a-***** asked,

"What did you teach?"

 

[Bina]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers...

Phyllis stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise to share with everyone. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed; the pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could Help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Bob must have experienced.

"Bob was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Bob."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

 

[malibu82]

hahahha! good one!

 

[Luckyguy17]

Oh yeah Bina, that is a really good one, am hurting from LOL that is a keeper as was squirming on mention of crushed scrotum, yowsers....excellent