2010 Miss Aortic Valve Replacement Contest
2010 Miss Aortic Valve Replacement Contest
The following was written by my partner, Chris, as a way to tell our family and friends how we came to make the valve decision. (It is copywrited, so please no unauthoized duplicating.) We realize the choice is a personal one and usually approach things with a bit of humor. No offense is meant to anyone who came to a different conclusion.
After much research, discussion and debate, the judges have reached a conclusion in the "2010 Miss Aortic Valve Replacement" contest. It was a dead heat after the swimsuit competition. However, Miss Mechanical Valve pulled ahead slightly after the evening gown competition. Unfortunately, she did herself in during the talent portion of the program. She clotted on stage and just generally broke down. That left the two front-runners, Miss Stented-Porcine Valve and Miss Bovine-Pericardial Valve to duke it out. Miss Stented-Porcine Valve (Miss Piggy to her friends) blew the crowd away with her endurance in a strong aerobic performance during the talent program. However, she stumbled a bit on a trick gay marriage question during the question and answer portion. Miss Bovine-Pericardial Valve (aka Bossie) delivered a smooth and powerful performance during her reading from "Young Frankestein," seemingly pieced together from the fabric of her very being. But, it was her heartfelt soliloquy on fostering world peace through methane gas during the question and answer program that brought the judges to their feet. A very difficult decision, indeed, for our panel of judges.
After a brief commercial break, sponsored by Gibon's Steaks and Chops and Fat Willy's Rib House, the judges tallied their scores. At second runner-up, with a prize of a $25,000 research scholarship and a lifetime supply of the blood thinner Coumadin, it's Miss Mechanical Valve.
And, now, the moment you've all been waiting for (and we realize this would be better with Bert Parks looking down all of the finalists dresses). The first runner-up and the winner. We will remind the audience that if, for any reason (illness, bad Larry King interview or the surfacing of questionable Polaroids), the winner is unable to fulfill her responsibilities as the "2010 Miss Aortic Valve Replacement," the first runner-up shall be appointed to serve out the term of the winner. The first runner-up, and the winner of a $50,000 research scholarship and a lifetime supply of low-sodium turkey bacon.........it's "Miss Piggy," Miss Stented-Porcine Valve.
That means, you guessed it, that the "2010 Miss Aortic Valve Replacement" is.........."Bossie," Miss Bovine-Pericardial Valve. While world peace through methane gas is a moving concept, it was Bossie's enhanced and dynamic performance in the talent portion of the program, combined with her endurance and exquisitely engineered essence that put her over the top. Bossie wins a $75,000 methane research scholarship and a brand new home, already furnished with one of the nicest guys on the planet.
