Joke time
- Thread starter Ross
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i wasn't brave enough....
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love ***.
The second floor has wives that love *** and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love ***.
The second floor has wives that love *** and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Ross
Well-known member
Remember this year, do not turn them down!
Well finally caught up reading again,i luv this joke site you can crack a
when you dont feel like it and after a week 2 ive had glad to smile at these again.......OH and Cooker i dont contribute many jokes but QUIT STEALING one i did contibute back afew miles of pages LOL
Yeah okay, yours the same only comming from you its funnier
Have a bananna and a great day THEIF
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down
and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This
morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss
told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office
puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage
door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two
flat tires.'
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down
and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This
morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss
told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office
puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage
door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two
flat tires.'
Hahahahahahahaha..!!
Janie ... your reply was number 666 ... coincidence? ....
On my screen, #666 was your post. Coincidence, I think not!
On my screen, #666 was your post. Coincidence, I think not!
Oh No ... have we been possessed? ... Some sort of evil virus
Chimp-Boy needs new glasses....LOL
And close that darn garage door, there is a draft in here.
And close that darn garage door, there is a draft in here.
How embarrassing
Is that a banana peel or.....??
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under
a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and
I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Ain't that the truth.......
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During
a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they
might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
Marrying A South Carolina Girl
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Louisiana and bragged he had told his
wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took
a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged he had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On
the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By
the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge
dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from South Carolina. He told her that her duties were
to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see
anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day most of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye;
enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a
landscaper.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Louisiana and bragged he had told his
wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took
a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged he had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On
the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By
the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge
dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from South Carolina. He told her that her duties were
to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see
anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day most of
the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye;
enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a
landscaper.
ctyguy
Well-known member
Bookstore
Bookstore
For you book buyin folk, if you can't find the book your looking for.......
Open the attachment please
Bookstore
For you book buyin folk, if you can't find the book your looking for.......
Open the attachment please
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE :
PRICELESS
For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think
you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see
what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a
great entertainer. A re-run of great 'one liner's' from the man who was
known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them
once more.
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays..
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas
3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back..
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen..
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..
6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair..
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."..
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off..
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"..
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce..
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'..
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her..
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"..
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it.........these were the good old days when
humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean
and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words....
"God Bless" with a big smile on his face.
PRICELESS
For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think
you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see
what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a
great entertainer. A re-run of great 'one liner's' from the man who was
known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them
once more.
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays..
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas
3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back..
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen..
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops..
6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair..
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."..
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off..
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"..
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce..
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'..
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her..
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"..
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it.........these were the good old days when
humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean
and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words....
"God Bless" with a big smile on his face.
