Joke time

[Tbone]

Man Dealing With A Wife

Man Dealing With A Wife

A man marries the meanest woman in town.
Everyone tells the man: man you’re crazy, that woman is the meanest woman in town. Every man she marries she drives him crazy.
So the man says I have something for that.
So they get on with their trip. The man and the woman are on one mule riding to their house. On the way down the road the donkey slips up and stumbles and the man says "that's one time."
They get a little further down the road the donkey slips up again, the man says "that's two times."
They get a little further down the road and the donkey stumbles again, the man says "that's three times."
Then the man and wife got off the donkey and the man shoots it. The wife gets mad and says "man are you crazy that was our only transportation you son of a bitch!!
The man says, "that's one time."

 

[Tbone]

Men, you may think you have a command of the English language, but when it comes to communicating with women, you may be surprised. Here is our dictionary of Womanese. Master these terms and you'll find your relationship with women greatly improved.
The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women
JOKES - Differences Between Men and Woman

1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

4. Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.

5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.

6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)

7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

 

[Tbone]

Differences Between Man and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.


JOKES - Differences Between Men and Woman

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.


You really have to give this guy an A+ for effort.

TO BE SIX AGAIN

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"

His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"

 

[Ross]

Because I Am Man

Because I Am Man

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will
fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.
Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _______



Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say
to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know
where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers
as a form of holy communion.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and
moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so
for you, this is no problem.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I
know, these are the same thing.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that
this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person
gets here and has to put it back together.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been
misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though
one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.. ...
( applies to engineers mainly).
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars,
sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when
you ask, so don't ask.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or
have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever
you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't
..and if you are feeling amorous afterwards.. then I will
certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it,
looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I
will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry,
the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes,
and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden
with a beer wondering what to do.


This has been a public service message for women

to better understand men.

 

[Rich]

Cash for clunkers

Cash for clunkers

Subject: CASH FOR CLUNKERS


> >
>> IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
>>
>> If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
>> trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
>> scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull.
>> But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and
>> it's especially hard to see things up close.
>>
>> My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
>> skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
>>
>> My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to
>> reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
>>
>> But here's the worst of it --
>>
>>
>> Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks
>> or my exhaust backfires.
>> CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?

 

[Cris N]

I posted this 2-1/2 years ago - still funny

I posted this 2-1/2 years ago - still funny

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is
hired at The Tickle Me Elmo Factory and she reports for her first day
promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel
Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant
about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and
the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind
schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so
backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and
they're really beginning to ! pile up. At the end of the line stands
Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of
plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in
amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's
legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

 

[njean]

Ride on a New Roller Coaster! Yipee!

Ride on a New Roller Coaster! Yipee!

Hey mom, look what I can do............



[ link ]

 

[njean]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is
hired at The Tickle Me Elmo Factory and she reports for her first day
promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel
Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant
about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and
the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind
schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so
backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and
they're really beginning to ! pile up. At the end of the line stands
Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of
plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in
amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's
legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

LOL! Thanks for the laugh!!

 

[Bina]

Testing out the Tube embedding thing...

[ link ]

 

[Rich]

The Harley Mechanic and the Cardiologist

The Harley Mechanic and the Cardiologist

The Harley Mechanic and the Cardiologist................

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The
cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a
look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to
where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'



The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic...





'Try doing it with the engine running.

 

[Cooker]

I know theses are a bit sexist but it will make those of you who remember Red laugh......


RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE


1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
Little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere....
But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6.. She has an electric blender, electric
Toaster and electric bread maker..
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
To sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
Because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
For the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
First name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it........these were the good old days
When humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless."

 

[njean]

Wasn't Red Skelton great! I sure miss his humor! He didn't need profanity, didn't need to be vulgar --- he was just sooo funny!

Thanks for the memories Cooker!

 

[Lionheart]

I used to watch Red Skelton at my grandfather's. He loved Red's show.

[ link ]

 

[TXWildflower]

So this isn't so much a joke but some graffitti I saw mysefl in a ladie toilet stall in a Paris bar. (Irish pub so it was in English.) One woman wrote ' My Mother made me a Lesbian' Another woman wrote underneath it ' If I give her the material will she make me one too!' I laugh about that one every time I think of it

R

 

[TXWildflower]

SHORT LOVE STORY


A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

HA!HAHAHa!

 

[Bina]

Signs from around the world:

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING
FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR
DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, next to a Russian Orthodox Monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

 

[Karlynn]

Ross has been designing clothes. Or maybe this is a Superbob, Cooker, Ross design team?

[ link ]

 

[netmiff]

Ross has been designing clothes. Or maybe this is a Superbob, Cooker, Ross design team?

Naw, ain't one of them could use a camera that well !

 

[Bina]

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:

Wine her... Dine her..... Call her..... Hold her..... Surprise her.
Compliment her..... Smile at her..... Listen to her.... Laugh with her.
Cry with her..... Romance her..... Encourage her.... Believe in her.
Pray with her.... Pray for her.
Cuddle with her..... Shop with her..... Give her jewelry..... Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand... Write love letters to her....
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:

Show up naked.... Bring chicken wings.... Don't block the TV.
.

 

[Cooker]

Will I live to see 80?

Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said


He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a #@%^&*)??