Joke time

[gadgetman]

Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Never fight with a woman. You'll lose.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

--

OH Yeah,

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

 

[gadgetman]

This one probably belongs on the THROWDOWN!!!!

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's @$$ and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[Turkey Hunter]

*

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

AMEN To That!!!

 

[Turkey Hunter]

My fishin' trip

My fishin' trip

I was sittin' around with a bunch of buddies plannin a fishin trip for the weekend. We were plannin on leaving that evening and working out all of our plans for the two hour drive.
Just then my cell phone rings and it's my wife...I told her what we were planning and she proceeded to tell me I couldn't go.....after as small spat on the phone; I agreed to stay. When I went back inside with my buddies and told them they proceeded to make fun of me for the rest of the time I was there.....after having enough teasin, I went home.
Upon arrivng home I grab a cold beer and head to my chair to drown my sorrows of missing the trip and just as I am finishing my 1st beer my wife comes up behind me and covers my eyes saying "suprise"
After removing her hands from over my eyes I see her standing there in a very skimpy see through teddy and she tells me to pick her up and carry her into the bedroom..tie her up and do whatever I want.
I was at fishin camp two hours later.

 

[Ross]

I was sittin' around with a bunch of buddies plannin a fishin trip for the weekend. We were plannin on leaving that evening and working out all of our plans for the two hour drive.
Just then my cell phone rings and it's my wife...I told her what we were planning and she proceeded to tell me I couldn't go.....after as small spat on the phone; I agreed to stay. When I went back inside with my buddies and told them they proceeded to make fun of me for the rest of the time I was there.....after having enough teasin, I went home.
Upon arrivng home I grab a cold beer and head to my chair to drown my sorrows of missing the trip and just as I am finishing my 1st beer my wife comes up behind me and covers my eyes saying "suprise"
After removing her hands from over my eyes I see her standing there in a very skimpy see through teddy and she tells me to pick her up and carry her into the bedroom..tie her up and do whatever I want.
I was at fishin camp two hours later.

 

[Ross]

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

We finish things. That's what we do!

 

[Bina]

SHORT LOVE STORY


A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

 

[Ross]

Subject: suggestions for e-mail replies when you are out of office

Subject: suggestions for e-mail replies when you are out of office

Since everyone is out of the office a lot these days, I thought I would pass on some new Out-of-Office replies: BEST OUT-OF-OFFICE AUTOMATIC E-MAIL REPLIES

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Steve.

 

[Karlynn]

Can't wait to pass those along! Hilarious!

 

[Cooker]

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum."

 

[Karlynn]

Great minds think alike - I posted this joke on Mar 1. Kind of funny because as I read a joke yesterday I wondered - Gee wonder if we've repeated any jokes - there are so many of them?

 

[netmiff]

pecans in the cemetery

pecans in the cemetery

I am sure some of you will have heard this one before, but it made me giggle ...

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery..

Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see
if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see an ything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of
the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
kid on the bike.

 

[Tbone]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

 

[Tbone]

A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

 

[Tbone]

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

 

[jjay32]

Gee, the economy has gotten so bad that now when you buy a toaster oven, they give you a bank.

 

[Cooker]

Oh, to be young again

 

[Bina]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays that you are of sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

 

[perrypiratesdad]

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder

On Michael Jackson’s Death…

....... .. … … .. …..

.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. . . … ..

... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... .. ... ... ... ..... .. .

.. . . … . . . . ..

... . .... ... .... .... ..

...... .... ... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....

. .. .

. . .. . .. . ..

....... ... .. ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ...

. .. . .

.. ...

.. . . . . . .. .. … ..

.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....

Deep stuff eh?

I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . . .. … .. .. . . .... ....”

 

[perrypiratesdad]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.

Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!