Joke time
- Thread starter Ross
- Start date
Help Support Valve Replacement Forums:
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod?
This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'
SILENCE . . . . .. . . . LONG SILENCE
'Ernesto, if you broke my driver, you're in deep sh*t!'
This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'
SILENCE . . . . .. . . . LONG SILENCE
'Ernesto, if you broke my driver, you're in deep sh*t!'
Tbone
Well-known member
15 Things To Do At Walmart
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Tbone
Well-known member
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
Groan
Groan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!
Groan
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!
ctyguy
Well-known member
I feel sick after that last one
Tbone
Well-known member
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(you're gonna love this)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!
I like it!
I think that last Knick Knack joke came directly from someone's basement where hoards
of teenagers hang out with only empty beer cases to use as furniture. There is also a
hazy cloud of sweet smelling burned herbs in the air......
of teenagers hang out with only empty beer cases to use as furniture. There is also a
hazy cloud of sweet smelling burned herbs in the air......
Tbone
Well-known member
A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blond if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blond replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"
Tbone
Well-known member
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'
'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'
'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.
'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'
'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'
'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.
'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'
Subject: Desperate Darren
Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office...
But she was dating someone else.
One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her
and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Darren said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend.
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask
him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What
happened...?' Still breathing hard, she
managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot
girl in his office...
But she was dating someone else.
One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her
and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Darren said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend.
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask
him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What
happened...?' Still breathing hard, she
managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Marcia58
Well-known member
I'm new here and haven't read the entire thread, so I apologize in advance if you've heard this one....
An old man, reminiscing about his younger years, began to feel that he "wasn't the man he used to be," in size, "steeliness," or stamina. He began to notice a lack of interest from his wife, as well. So, since this was the Dark Ages (before Viagra) he went to visit the local wizard and explained his situation.
When he had finished, the wizard solemnly nodded his head and said, "Ah, yes. I have just the thing for you." He handed the old man a small vial from a nearby cabinet. "Listen carefully," he said. "Tonight is the first night of the full moon. As soon as the rising moon has completely cleared the horizon, drink the entire contents of this vial. Then say the words, 'One, two, three.' When you do, your...equipment...will at once have qualities like you have never known, in every aspect. And as for stamina--you will stay that way for as long as you like, and when you and your wife are both satisfied, you simply say, 'One, two, three, four,' and return to your regular state. But be warned, once you return to normal, the transformation cannot happen again until the next full moon."
The old man took the vial home and told his wife that he would have a surprise for her later that night. At moonrise, he drank the potion, and said, "One, two, three!" Instantly, his dimensions were transformed. His wife, being an healthy, red-blooded woman, exclaimed with thrill and wonder. But also being a wife, she had to analyze everything her husband did. So as she hurried him off to their bedchamber, she turned to him and said, "This is AMAZING! But..."
"...what was the 'one, two, three' for?"
The Moral(s) of the Story:
1. Don't always question what your spouse does.
2. Never end a sentence with a preposition.
An old man, reminiscing about his younger years, began to feel that he "wasn't the man he used to be," in size, "steeliness," or stamina. He began to notice a lack of interest from his wife, as well. So, since this was the Dark Ages (before Viagra) he went to visit the local wizard and explained his situation.
When he had finished, the wizard solemnly nodded his head and said, "Ah, yes. I have just the thing for you." He handed the old man a small vial from a nearby cabinet. "Listen carefully," he said. "Tonight is the first night of the full moon. As soon as the rising moon has completely cleared the horizon, drink the entire contents of this vial. Then say the words, 'One, two, three.' When you do, your...equipment...will at once have qualities like you have never known, in every aspect. And as for stamina--you will stay that way for as long as you like, and when you and your wife are both satisfied, you simply say, 'One, two, three, four,' and return to your regular state. But be warned, once you return to normal, the transformation cannot happen again until the next full moon."
The old man took the vial home and told his wife that he would have a surprise for her later that night. At moonrise, he drank the potion, and said, "One, two, three!" Instantly, his dimensions were transformed. His wife, being an healthy, red-blooded woman, exclaimed with thrill and wonder. But also being a wife, she had to analyze everything her husband did. So as she hurried him off to their bedchamber, she turned to him and said, "This is AMAZING! But..."
"...what was the 'one, two, three' for?"
The Moral(s) of the Story:
1. Don't always question what your spouse does.
2. Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Last edited:
Tbone
Well-known member
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blond behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blond yelled back, "Scarf!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blond replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blond fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young blond was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blond shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blond flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blond replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blond fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young blond was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blond shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blond flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Marcia58
Well-known member
I was just gonna tell that one!
Well, anyway....
Did you hear about the blonde who got fired from her Quality Control job at the M&M plant? She kept throwing out the M&Ms with Ws stamped on them!
Tbone
Well-known member
Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy, why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came down and killed my new puppy." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up!!"
Subject: Harold Humor
Subject: Harold Humor
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every
night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind
the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long
life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They
begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have
passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to
Mildred and asks,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't
get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice
if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips
his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the
garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold
Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual
meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he
was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she
found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female
resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
"Parkinson's."
Subject: Harold Humor
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every
night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind
the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long
life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They
begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have
passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to
Mildred and asks,
"Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't
get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice
if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips
his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the
garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold
Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual
meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he
was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she
found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female
resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
"Parkinson's."
Ross
Well-known member
Things you don't want to hear during surgery
Things you don't want to hear during surgery
* Wait a minute, if that's his spleen, then what's this?
* Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
* Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
* Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
concentration
off.
* What's this doing here?
* I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
* Somebody call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.
* I sure wish I had my glasses.
* Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
* Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
* Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean enough.
* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
* Anyone see where I left my scalpel?
* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
* What do you mean you want a divorce?!
Things you don't want to hear during surgery
* Wait a minute, if that's his spleen, then what's this?
* Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
* Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
* Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
concentration
off.
* What's this doing here?
* I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
* Somebody call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop.
* I sure wish I had my glasses.
* Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
* Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
* Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean enough.
* What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
* Anyone see where I left my scalpel?
* Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
* What do you mean you want a divorce?!
netmiff
Well-known member
Ross, I wouln't want to hear anything during surgery . . .
Tbone
Well-known member
'Holy Prostitutes'
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway,
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye ...
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and
drives on without a second thought......
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are
for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls
into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building
with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the! bell. The door
is answered by
a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What
may we do for you my
son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the
highway and was
interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He
is led through many winding passages and is
soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
'Please knock on this door'
He does so and another nun in a long habit,
holding a tin cup answers the door....
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup
then go through the large wooden door at the end
of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the
hall and slips
through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself
back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway,
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye ...
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and
drives on without a second thought......
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are
for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls
into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building
with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the! bell. The door
is answered by
a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What
may we do for you my
son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the
highway and was
interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He
is led through many winding passages and is
soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
'Please knock on this door'
He does so and another nun in a long habit,
holding a tin cup answers the door....
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup
then go through the large wooden door at the end
of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the
hall and slips
through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself
back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
