Joke time
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Ross
Well-known member
I often look like this, just ask Tbone!
I often look like this, just ask Tbone!
http://funnie.biz/1082.gif
I often look like this, just ask Tbone!
http://funnie.biz/1082.gif
Ross
Well-known member
Sipping Vodka
Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook..
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body,' He did not say 'Eat me.'
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.'
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook..
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body,' He did not say 'Eat me.'
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.'
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Ross
Well-known member
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
-
Emo Philips
-
Emo Philips
Ross
Well-known member
PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary....
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously insane.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary....
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously insane.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...
hall
Well-known member
Hearing Loss
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about fifteen feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about fifteen feet from his wife in the kitchen, as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about fifteen feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about fifteen feet from his wife in the kitchen, as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
WilliamJE
Well-known member
Biting off more than you can chew
Biting off more than you can chew
File this under things not to do if you want a promotion.
*****
A SECRETARY accidentally bit off the ***** of her employer while giving him oral *** in a car.
Sin Chew Daily and China Press reported yesterday that while the 30-year-old woman was performing oral *** on the man, the car was hit by a reversing van.
The impact of the crash, China Press reported, caused the woman to bite off her lover?s organ.
The daily reported that the incident occurred in a Singapore park where the couple met after work.
To make matters worse for the woman, her husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful.
The investigator said he had followed the woman and her boss to the park.
?On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently.
After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,? he said.
The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.
The investigator, who called an ambulance to send the man to hospital, said that this was the first time he had encountered such an incident.
*****
Yes this hardly seems like normal police work.
Biting off more than you can chew
File this under things not to do if you want a promotion.
*****
A SECRETARY accidentally bit off the ***** of her employer while giving him oral *** in a car.
Sin Chew Daily and China Press reported yesterday that while the 30-year-old woman was performing oral *** on the man, the car was hit by a reversing van.
The impact of the crash, China Press reported, caused the woman to bite off her lover?s organ.
The daily reported that the incident occurred in a Singapore park where the couple met after work.
To make matters worse for the woman, her husband had sent a private investigator to spy on her after suspecting that she was being unfaithful.
The investigator said he had followed the woman and her boss to the park.
?On reaching the park, they did not alight from the car. Not long after, the car started to shake violently.
After the car was hit by the van, there was a loud scream from the woman whose mouth was covered with blood,? he said.
The woman later followed her lover to the hospital with part of the sexual organ.
The investigator, who called an ambulance to send the man to hospital, said that this was the first time he had encountered such an incident.
*****
Yes this hardly seems like normal police work.
Tbone
Well-known member
OUCH!
I love it Deb!! Stupid doctor who could not know who has the problem!!
Wife's Smart Cat
A man hated his wife's cat, and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
2 hours later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said," Put that damn cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions!!!"
A man hated his wife's cat, and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
2 hours later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said," Put that damn cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions!!!"
Ross
Well-known member
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich."
*POOF*
Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
She smiles and says: "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*POOF*
She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh... can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*POOF*
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich."
*POOF*
Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
She smiles and says: "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*POOF*
She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh... can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*POOF*
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
Tbone
Well-known member
Confucius Says:
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who drop watch in toilet have ****** time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man trapped in pantry have *** in jam.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
America good place to Put Chinese Restaurant.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Confucius say it take square *** to **** a brick.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
House without toilet is uncanny.
Lady who live in glass house should dress in basement.
To make egg roll, push it.
To prevent hangover stay drunk!
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Ok for **** to happen . . . will decompose.
People who make Confucius joke speak bad English
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who drop watch in toilet have ****** time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man trapped in pantry have *** in jam.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.
America good place to Put Chinese Restaurant.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Confucius say it take square *** to **** a brick.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
House without toilet is uncanny.
Lady who live in glass house should dress in basement.
To make egg roll, push it.
To prevent hangover stay drunk!
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Ok for **** to happen . . . will decompose.
People who make Confucius joke speak bad English
Tbone
Well-known member
Why can't blonds take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.
Why did the blond write "TGIF" on her shoes?
To remind her that "toes go in first."
They're too hard to retrain.
Why did the blond write "TGIF" on her shoes?
To remind her that "toes go in first."
Did you hear about the new "OctoMom" Breakfast special at Denny's?
It has 8 eggs, No Sausage, and the guests at the next table have to pay for it.
It has 8 eggs, No Sausage, and the guests at the next table have to pay for it.
Very funnily cute??!!
Tbone
Well-known member
Brain Exercise
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question .
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to question four.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question .
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to question four.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!
A Chinese family of 5 , named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Fu and Su decided to stay in China.
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Fu and Su decided to stay in China.
Ross
Well-known member
Little child's prayer shared with his teacher in Sunday School
Lord, in this year,
please send clothes
for all those
poor ladies
in Dad's computer.
Lord, in this year,
please send clothes
for all those
poor ladies
in Dad's computer.
Tbone
Well-known member
A Chinese family of 5 , named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.
Fu and Su decided to stay in China.
You know what is so funny about this? I have a friend from Lebenon & he named his sons Radi Fadi & Shadi.
Tbone
Well-known member
Do you know who is most unhappy when the prodigal son returns?
The fatted calf.
The fatted calf.
