Joke time

[Karlynn]

Stranded Irishman


One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"


With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

 

[Cooker]

Stranded Irishman


One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"


With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

I can kind of understand his priorities ? of course she would have to caddy

 

[Tbone]

OK KARLYNN, the Stranded Irishman is a good one I have not heard before.

 

[Tbone]

YOU JUST KNOW I HAD TO DO IT. LAST ROUND!


Morning is the time to pity the sober. The way they're feeling then is the best they're going to feel all day.

========================

Oh, he occasionally takes an alcoholiday.--Wilde

======================

Thirst is a shameless disease so here's to a shameful cure.

==========================

An Irish youth proves his manhood by getting stuck in a pint, in a woman, and in a fish-in that order.

=======================

Daylight comes through the drunkard's roof the fastest.

==============================

A man takes a drink; the drink takes a drink; the drink takes the man.

================================

Before you call for one for the road be sure you know the road.

===============================

Practice makes perfect, there's many do think, but a man's not too perfect when he's practiced at drink.

==================================

The truth comes out when the spirit goes in.

==================================

The devil invented Scotch whiskey to make the Irish poor.

===================================

Drink is the curse of the land. It makes you fight with your neighbor. It makes you shoot at your landlord-and it makes you miss him.

====================================

It's the first drop that destroys you; there's no harm at all in the last.

====================================

He'd step over ten naked women to get at a pint.

 

[Ross]

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.



He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.



Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.



At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot

man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'



The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!



Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.



The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.



Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.



Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.



Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.



The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'



No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.



The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.



Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'



Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

 

[hensylee]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and
we all could probably use more calm in our lives! Some doctor on the TV this
morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of
vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and
Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fikin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

bLEsSinSSSses........s

 

[Karlynn]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and
we all could probably use more calm in our lives! Some doctor on the TV this
morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things
you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of
vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and
Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fikin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

bLEsSinSSSses........s

Ann - enough with the true stories - this thread is for jokes.

 

[Bina]

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators.

 

[Bina]

Got this one from Freddie:

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"


The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

 

[Freddie]

Therapy for Eva

Therapy for Eva

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

5. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana '.

6. Skip Down The Hall Rather Than Walk And See How Many Looks You Get.

7. Order A Diet Water Whenever You Go Out To Eat, With A Serious Face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10 Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You Have A Headache.

11 When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12 When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13.. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.............


14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

It's Called.... THERAPY

 

[Eva]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
7. Order A Diet Water Whenever You Go Out To Eat, With A Serious Face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.


11 When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12 When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'.............

This made me laugh, Freddie, until tears dropped!! they all are funny, but I highlighted what made me laugh most. Thanks for posting....laughter released all the tension I had....As said "laughter is best medicine"!

 

[Ross]

God Said, Adam I Want you to do Something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?" !
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, a few minutes later, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said,
"What's a headache?"

 

[njean]

This made me laugh, Freddie, until tears dropped!! they all are funny, but I highlighted what made me laugh most. Thanks for posting....laughter released all the tension I had....As said "laughter is best medicine"!

This just made me laugh out loud too because I had something happen to me yesterday while at the grocery store.

I was at the check out when I saw & heard the store manager over the PA system announce if the driver of a Silver Toyota 4-Runner, License plate "badrcher" please come to the front of the store. I was dumb founded ---- that was my car! I waved to the manager that I was the owner & sheepishly said, "I have a feeling I didn't win a few bag of groceries, right!" Everybody in line & including the manager started laughing. He just said, no ma'mm, someone just hit your car in the parking lot!!!

Luckily there was hardly any damage to my car but the poor lady was so scared & apologetic that I just embraced her & told her not to worry.

So there's my personal joke for the day!!

 

[Freddie]

WOW Norma, your lucky that person actually came into the store and ask who the owner was. Around here people just drive off.............well most do.

Glad to hear there was no damage.

 

[hensylee]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries With That.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

5. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana '.

6. Skip Down The Hall Rather Than Walk And See How Many Looks You Get.

7. Order A Diet Water Whenever You Go Out To Eat, With A Serious Face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10 Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You Have A Headache.

11 When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12 When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13.. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.............


14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

It's Called.... THERAPY

I love this one and would love to do some of this stuff......... Maybe #14. bet you go back to read it.

 

[hensylee]

This just made me laugh out loud too because I had something happen to me yesterday while at the grocery store.

I was at the check out when I saw & heard the store manager over the PA system announce if the driver of a Silver Toyota 4-Runner, License plate "badrcher" please come to the front of the store. I was dumb founded ---- that was my car! I waved to the manager that I was the owner & sheepishly said, "I have a feeling I didn't win a few bag of groceries, right!" Everybody in line & including the manager started laughing. He just said, no ma'mm, someone just hit your car in the parking lot!!!

Luckily there was hardly any damage to my car but the poor lady was so scared & apologetic that I just embraced her & told her not to worry.

So there's my personal joke for the day!!

I would have sat by your car til you came out and would be crying and crying and......... but I would have waited and waited and............

 

[Bina]

Hubby always wants to grab a box of condoms, go to the check out counter,
and in a loud voice ask, "Do these come in an Extra Large?"
.....I avoid the pharmacy......

 

[Eva]

This just made me laugh out loud too because I had something happen to me yesterday while at the grocery store.

I was at the check out when I saw & heard the store manager over the PA system announce if the driver of a Silver Toyota 4-Runner, License plate "badrcher" please come to the front of the store. I was dumb founded ---- that was my car! I waved to the manager that I was the owner & sheepishly said, "I have a feeling I didn't win a few bag of groceries, right!" Everybody in line & including the manager started laughing. He just said, no ma'mm, someone just hit your car in the parking lot!!!

Luckily there was hardly any damage to my car but the poor lady was so scared & apologetic that I just embraced her & told her not to worry.

So there's my personal joke for the day!!

I am so sorry, Norma, and glad you were not in the car! You made my night...sorry that I laughed but only at your comicly beautiful writing style

 

[njean]

TRUE LENT

Each Friday night after work, Boudreaux would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak. But, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were
Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat
on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
Priest.

The Priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that he become a
Catholic. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended
Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You
were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed
into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a
small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the
grilling meat and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

 

[njean]

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was cold and wet and no cars went by. The storm was so strong; he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door, and only then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel! The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for his life.

Just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared each time the car approached a curve.

Gathering his strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everyone when they realized the guy was crying hysterically and wasn't drunk.

About a half hour later, two other guys walk into the same cantina and one said to the other, "Mira (oh look), Pedro. That's the Pendejo (*****) that got into the car while we were pushing it."