Joke time

[Tbone]

Sorry guys but as a man I even appreciated that one

 

[Tbone]

NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the
government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how
unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than
6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could
only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team
as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained
for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to
change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed
the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10
cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

 

[Tbone]

Jesus and the Democrat

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light?" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat.. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm collecting disability

 

[Cooker]

A Bit Sexist But Funny

A Bit Sexist But Funny

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law
a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I replied, "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. '

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have ***?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....
***********************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....

**************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight stared......

 

[Dale]

At the Races

At the Races

A group of primary school children, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about
thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to
direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'

 

[Ross]

The Theory of Intelligence

The Theory of Intelligence

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . .


A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.


In much the same way,the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.Now,as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally,it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.


And that, Norm,is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

 

[Karlynn]

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 

[Karlynn]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

 

[Karlynn]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.

 

[escargome]

A Southern Wife

Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from NEW YORK.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a
couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house
and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from CALIFORNIA
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was
clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from ALABAMA
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough
that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

 

[Turkey Hunter]

A Southern Wife

Three men married wives from different states.

The first man married a woman from NEW YORK.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a
couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house
and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from CALIFORNIA
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the
next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was
clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from ALABAMA
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he
could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough
that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

ROFLMAO!!!!!!
Fits girls from South Eastern Ky as well.....Ha Ha Ha Ha

 

[terryj]

Add Georgia to the list of Southern Wives.

 

[hensylee]

Add Georgia to the list of Southern Wives.

and nw Fl Panhandle which we call L.A. (lower Alabama)

 

[Bina]

A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, she told him he would now need to enter a password.
Something he would use to log-on.

Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P...E...N...I...S...


His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH

 

[Bina]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish

you were married, or wish you weren't married, this

is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:


Sally was driving home from one of her business


trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly


Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.


As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped


the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.


With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.


Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make


a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old


woman just sat silently, looking intently at


everything she saw, studying every little detail,


until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.


'What in bag?' asked the old woman.


Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's


a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'


The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or


two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:


'Good trade.....'

 

[Eva]

A good one, Bina, as long as she is happy with the trade

 

[Ross]

HILARIOUS-CREDIT CARD SITUATION


In our current world of finance, you’re not supposed to be dead, ya HAVE to live for ever!







Seriously - what is wrong with these people????


Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.



This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )


After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

(Priceless!!)



.

 

[Tbone]

WHAT IS THE DIFFERANCE BETWEEN AN IRISH WEDDING, AND AN IRISH FUNERAL?







One less drunk!

 

[Tbone]

Q: Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men

A: It changes your blood group

 

[Tbone]

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"