Joke time

[Karlynn]

A prominent member of this forum sent me this joke, but was hesitant about posting it here. So i WILL!
This is for Norma and Bina - I figured this was right up your alley.

> During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
> teach good manners, asked her students the
> following question:
>
> "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
> with a nice young lady,how would you tell her
> that you have to go to the bathroom?"
>
> Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
>
> The teacher responded by saying, "That would
> be rude and impolite.
>
> What about you Sherman, how would you say
> it?"
>
> Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to
> go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
>
> "That's better, but it's still not very nice
> to
> say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
>
> And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain
> for once and show us your good manners?"
>
> "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused
> for a moment? I have to shake hands with a
> very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
> introduce you to after dinner."
>
> The teacher fainted

 

[njean]

LOL!! You guessed right!!

 

[Bina]

And don't we all just love Little Johnny.....

 

[Eva]

Smart woman!

Smart woman!

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter--ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person...the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping ....

 

[njean]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter--ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person...the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping ....

Tooooooo funny Eva!!!!

 

[Dina]

An ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION:

This could only happen with a little Italian kid..

Too funny Norma! It would also work for the Puerto Rican altar boys.
They seem to have alot in common though they would never admit it
to each other. I didn't find this out until I moved to NY.


Cooker-Love the "Bag Lady " Joke --my husband LOL'd on both of these.
And he's a hard audience.
Thanks you two

 

[Eva]

TWO NUNS -- (READ till the end)



There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to **** us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 12.5 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 2 1/4 minutes.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.


Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: It is logical since he couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened! I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!

 

[marie]

farmer john

farmer john

Farmer John

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.



So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the
sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... it might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch out for chicks!!

 

[Ross]

(TO THE NON-PROFESSIONALS FROM THE PROFESSIONALS - ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW)

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh 5h1t...'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.;

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


FLASHLIGHT: A container for dead batteries.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT! ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[njean]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. Taken aback by this, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, 'Why are you
eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have
to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,'
the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree.'

'Well, bring them along too,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!'

'Well the more the better -- bring them as well,' the lawyer answered .

They all got in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows
turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.' 'Thank you
for taking us all with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. 'You're going to love my place! The grass is almost a foot high!"

 

[Cooker]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. Taken aback by this, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, 'Why are you
eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have
to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,'
the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree.'

'Well, bring them along too,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!'

'Well the more the better -- bring them as well,' the lawyer answered .

They all got in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows
turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.' 'Thank you
for taking us all with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. 'You're going to love my place! The grass is almost a foot high!"

LOL LOL Good one

 

[Cooker]

If you don't laugh at this, your sense of humor was stolen



The gynecologist who became a mechanic:


A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, 'I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.
The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.

After a pause, the instructor added, 'I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.'

 

[Dina]

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

This one was too funny,and what is interesting is that .. if he IS messin around (and HIV+) he may not 'find ' his way home anyway
Sounds like the kind of advice that medicare would give

Cooker-love the "mechanic" one too-Thank you ALL for the jokes

 

[Ross]

This is great!

This is great!

Some of you may have heard it, some of you haven't, but it's still the best one I know of.

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

 

[laurad37]

Hey Ross. That was hilarious. I am glad I listened to this pre surgery and not right after. Any of you laying at home recovering, I would wait till your chest heals a bit, Because you will be laughing really really hard. Thanks for a good laugh Ross. I needed that today.

 

[Blanche]

What were you thinking?

What were you thinking?

Ross:

Good grief, this is just plain disgusting.

I am ashamed to see it here on a medical support board.

I certainly do hope that this is just a farce, but I can't believe that this is the kind of thing that we want to share on a board that is supposed to provide positive support for people in trauma.

Blanche

 

[Superbob]

Some of you may have heard it, some of you haven't, but it's still the best one I know of.

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

LMAO!!!

Yeah, definitely wait til your sternum has healed before listening to that!

 

[Karlynn]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two
months ago, my husband, George, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the
doctors
didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor George must have experienced.

"George was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together
the
crushed remnants of George scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it
in
place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on George.


"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, George is
out
of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if

anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm George."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

 

[Ross]

Ross:

Good grief, this is just plain disgusting.

I am ashamed to see it here on a medical support board.

I certainly do hope that this is just a farce, but I can't believe that this is the kind of thing that we want to share on a board that is supposed to provide positive support for people in trauma.

Blanche

Some things in life are funny. Please find the humor in the humorous.

 

[Tbone]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my

husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically

telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a

suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet

paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'. Willing to try

anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the

mirror, rubbing it between my breasts



'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toile t paper between

my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'



Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ***, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk

again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a

straw.



Stupid, stupid man!