sheridan07
Well-known member
fUNNY! I love Rodney!
Joke time
- Thread starter Ross
- Start date
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sheridan07
Well-known member
Please don't get offended.
What dose Micheal Jackson and kmart have in common?
They both have alittle boy's pants half off!
What dose Micheal Jackson and kmart have in common?
They both have alittle boy's pants half off!
lb151
Well-known member
There are always second careers...
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was just burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college , signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was just burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college , signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
G
geebee
This is one you have to say out loud because of the word "serial".
Breaking news.... police report that Cap'n Crunch, Tony the Tiger and Snap, Crackle and Pop were all found dead over the last three days. They suspect a serial killer.
Breaking news.... police report that Cap'n Crunch, Tony the Tiger and Snap, Crackle and Pop were all found dead over the last three days. They suspect a serial killer.
The four cats
The four cats
The Four Cats
>>
>>
>> Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
>>
>>
>> The first man was an Engineer,
>> The second man was an Accountant,
>> The third man was a Chemist, and
>> The fourth man was a Government Employee.
>>
>>
>> To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
>>
>>
>> T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
>> promptly
>> drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
>>
>>
>> Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
>>
>>
>> But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
>> said,
>> 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
>>
>>
>> Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
>> divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
>>
>>
>> Everyone agreed that was good.
>>
>>
>> But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
>> 'Measure, do your stuff.'
>>
>> Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
>> ounce
>> glass from the cupboard and poured
>> Exactly 8 ounces=2 0without spilling a drop into the glass.
>>
>>
>> Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
>>
>>
>> Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can
>> your cat do?'
>>
>>
>> The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your
>> stuff.'
>>
>>
>> CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
>>
>>
>>
>> Ate the cookies........
>>
>> Drank the milk.......
>>
>> Crapped on the paper.......
>>
>>
>>
>> Screwed the other three cats.......
>>
>>
>> Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......
>>
>> Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
>>
>> Put in for Workers Compensation...............and
>>
>> Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
>>
>>
>> AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANT'S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
>>
The four cats
The Four Cats
>>
>>
>> Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
>>
>>
>> The first man was an Engineer,
>> The second man was an Accountant,
>> The third man was a Chemist, and
>> The fourth man was a Government Employee.
>>
>>
>> To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
>>
>>
>> T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
>> promptly
>> drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
>>
>>
>> Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
>>
>>
>> But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
>> said,
>> 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
>>
>>
>> Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
>> divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
>>
>>
>> Everyone agreed that was good.
>>
>>
>> But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
>> 'Measure, do your stuff.'
>>
>> Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
>> ounce
>> glass from the cupboard and poured
>> Exactly 8 ounces=2 0without spilling a drop into the glass.
>>
>>
>> Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
>>
>>
>> Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can
>> your cat do?'
>>
>>
>> The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your
>> stuff.'
>>
>>
>> CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......
>>
>>
>>
>> Ate the cookies........
>>
>> Drank the milk.......
>>
>> Crapped on the paper.......
>>
>>
>>
>> Screwed the other three cats.......
>>
>>
>> Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......
>>
>> Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
>>
>> Put in for Workers Compensation...............and
>>
>> Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............
>>
>>
>> AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANT'S TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
>>
LMAO .... Rich ...that's great
lb151
Well-known member
Exercise Routine
If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.
It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Go Have a Beer.
Exercise Routine
If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.
It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Go Have a Beer.
If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.
It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Go Have a Beer.
Exercise Routine
If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.
It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN...
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Go Have a Beer.
A SC State trooper pulled a car over on US 23
about 2 miles North of the SC/NC State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a
Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by ju gglin g and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunken good old boy fro m W.V. got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my *** to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'
about 2 miles North of the SC/NC State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a
Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by ju gglin g and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, A car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunken good old boy fro m W.V. got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my *** to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be ***
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
*****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be ***
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
*****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
G
geebee
Pet Diaries
Pet Diaries
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary?
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:
Pet Diaries
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary?
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. *******s.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously ********.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now....
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. *******s.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously ********.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now....
K
Karlynn
My husband has come to look forward to the jokes I read to him from this thread - keep 'em coming!!!
A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free,
and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served Scrod, a Massachusetts specialty.
Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get Scrod around here?"
"Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear
someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative anymore!"
and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served Scrod, a Massachusetts specialty.
Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get Scrod around here?"
"Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear
someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative anymore!"
Ross
Well-known member
jojofromct
Well-known member
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, sure it would be a good one. And in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once, and had *** with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, sure it would be a good one. And in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once, and had *** with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
This May Get Deleted, Read Fast...
This May Get Deleted, Read Fast...
Subject: funny joke
okay dirty joke but funny!
I, the *****, request a pay raise due 2 following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work @ great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything i do.
4. I work weekends & holidays.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in dark areas w/ poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. & My work exposes me 2 disease.
>
Dear *****,
Your request has been denied for the following reasons:
1. U don't work 8 hrs straight.
2. U work in short spurts & fall asleep after each brief work period.
3. U don't stay in your designated area, & r frequently found in other
locations.
4. U don't take initiative & must be stimulated 2 start working.
5. U leave your work place messy at the end of your shift.
6. You are unable 2 work overtime or double shifts.
7. U usually leave your designated work area before completing the
assigned task.
8. You have constantly been seen entering & exiting the work place with
two suspicious bags.
Sincerly,
Management
This May Get Deleted, Read Fast...
Subject: funny joke
okay dirty joke but funny!
I, the *****, request a pay raise due 2 following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work @ great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything i do.
4. I work weekends & holidays.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in dark areas w/ poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. & My work exposes me 2 disease.
>
Dear *****,
Your request has been denied for the following reasons:
1. U don't work 8 hrs straight.
2. U work in short spurts & fall asleep after each brief work period.
3. U don't stay in your designated area, & r frequently found in other
locations.
4. U don't take initiative & must be stimulated 2 start working.
5. U leave your work place messy at the end of your shift.
6. You are unable 2 work overtime or double shifts.
7. U usually leave your designated work area before completing the
assigned task.
8. You have constantly been seen entering & exiting the work place with
two suspicious bags.
Sincerly,
Management
Glad to have read it before Ross or any or the other lovely moderators did! so funny, Cooker!
I bet that Ross wrote it..... naughty boys.
naughty boys.
M
Mary
It is funny . . .
