Cooker, what a good reason to have 2 of everything!
Joke time
- Thread starter Ross
- Start date
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baldstuart
Grandson's Favorite Joke
Grandson's Favorite Joke
Why was Tigger in the Toilet?
He was looking for POOH!!!
Grandson's Favorite Joke
Why was Tigger in the Toilet?
He was looking for POOH!!!
Circumcised
>>>
>>>
>>> A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
>>> class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and
>>> not paying attention.
>>>
>>> She went back to find out what was going on.
>>>
>>> He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
>>> recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
>>>
>>> The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
>>> office.
>>>
>>> He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should
>>> do about it. He did and returned to his class.
>>>
>>> Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
>>>
>>> She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at
>>> his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
>>>
>>> 'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
>>>
>>> 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could Stick
>>> it out till noon..... she'd come and pick me up from school.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
>>> class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and
>>> not paying attention.
>>>
>>> She went back to find out what was going on.
>>>
>>> He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
>>> recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
>>>
>>> The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
>>> office.
>>>
>>> He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should
>>> do about it. He did and returned to his class.
>>>
>>> Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
>>>
>>> She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at
>>> his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
>>>
>>> 'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
>>>
>>> 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could Stick
>>> it out till noon..... she'd come and pick me up from school.
>>>
hensylee
Well-known member
compliments of me 'n Bonnie. we used to remind y'all about this now and agin. so y'all don't f'get, here it is agin:
SOUTHERN WOMEN
Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.
Southern women know their manners:
'Yes, ma'am.'
'Yes, sir.'
'Why, no, Billy!'
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
'Y'all come back!'
'Well, bless your heart.'
'Drop by when you can.'
'How's your Momma?'
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint
Straw hats and big sunglasses
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't 'HAVE' them, you 'PITCH' them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up 'a mess.'
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of 'yonder.'
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long 'directly' is, . as in: 'Going to town, be back directly.'
_____
Even Southern babies know that 'Gimme some sugar' is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when 'by and by' is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between 'right near' and 'a right far piece.' They also know that 'just down the road' can be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that 'fixin' can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're 'in line,' .. we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, 'Well, I caught myself lookin',' you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say 'sweet tea,' 'sweet milk,' and 'light bread' Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. 'Sweet milk' means you don't want buttermilk. And 'Light br ead' is white bread.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,'Bless her heart' .. and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads 'I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.'
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
Now..... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!
If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it!
We know you got here as fast as you could.
y'all b'have y'self now, hear?
SOUTHERN WOMEN
Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.
Southern women know their manners:
'Yes, ma'am.'
'Yes, sir.'
'Why, no, Billy!'
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
'Y'all come back!'
'Well, bless your heart.'
'Drop by when you can.'
'How's your Momma?'
Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint
Straw hats and big sunglasses
Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't 'HAVE' them, you 'PITCH' them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up 'a mess.'
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of 'yonder.'
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long 'directly' is, . as in: 'Going to town, be back directly.'
_____
Even Southern babies know that 'Gimme some sugar' is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when 'by and by' is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between 'right near' and 'a right far piece.' They also know that 'just down the road' can be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that 'fixin' can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're 'in line,' .. we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, 'Well, I caught myself lookin',' you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say 'sweet tea,' 'sweet milk,' and 'light bread' Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. 'Sweet milk' means you don't want buttermilk. And 'Light br ead' is white bread.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,'Bless her heart' .. and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads 'I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.'
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
Now..... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!
If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it!
We know you got here as fast as you could.
y'all b'have y'self now, hear?
A man who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
hensylee
Well-known member
One day, long, long ago.......
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or *****.
But this was a long time ago.......
and it was just that one day.
The End
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or *****.
But this was a long time ago.......
and it was just that one day.
The End
RobThatsMe
Well-known member
BUYING Viagra
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist ' But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I am 96' said the old man, 'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers.'
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist ' But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I am 96' said the old man, 'I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers.'
and another one........
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
hall
Well-known member
and another one........
c o w s
is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. :d
excellent idea!
Not PC But Funny
Not PC But Funny
Two blonde were on an elevator and it stops ?. I tall GQ, Metro looking guy get on the elevator and the two girls eye him pretty good ? the only flaw the guy has is a little dandruff on his coat ? The elevator stops and the guy gets off and when the door closes one blonde says to the other, ?a little Head and Shoulders and he would be good to go? ? with a quizzical look on her face the other blond says ? ?what?s shoulders?
Not PC But Funny
Two blonde were on an elevator and it stops ?. I tall GQ, Metro looking guy get on the elevator and the two girls eye him pretty good ? the only flaw the guy has is a little dandruff on his coat ? The elevator stops and the guy gets off and when the door closes one blonde says to the other, ?a little Head and Shoulders and he would be good to go? ? with a quizzical look on her face the other blond says ? ?what?s shoulders?
Bad chimp......bad, bad.
(lmao)
(lmao)
This is kinda funny
This is kinda funny
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when
the newscaster says, 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving
accident.' The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing.
That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way! Confused, he says
'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk
involved.' After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
'How many is a Brazilian?'
This is kinda funny
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when
the newscaster says, 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving
accident.' The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing.
That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way! Confused, he says
'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk
involved.' After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
'How many is a Brazilian?'
Maybe Not So Funny, But True
Maybe Not So Funny, But True
TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES
(Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!)
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!
Maybe Not So Funny, But True
TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES
(Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!)
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!
HILLBILLY AND A MIRROR
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the big city stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How bout that! A picture of my daddy."
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So he hung the mirror in the barn.
Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go to the barn and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked in the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with."
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the big city stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How bout that! A picture of my daddy."
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So he hung the mirror in the barn.
Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go to the barn and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked in the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with."
B
Bridgette
Bush's Burblings
Bush's Burblings
Someone sent me this and it's really funny. I am posting it for its humour value - I am NOT trying to stir the political pot - it's just for a laugh
Bush's Burblings (these are actual verifiable quotes)
*Will the highways on the internet become more few?
*It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life.
*I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq.
*I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office.
*We're concerned about Aids inside our White House - make no mistake about it.
*I'm honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein.
*I've coined new words, like "misunderstanding".
*I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances.
*It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way.
*One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end.
*I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here.
*You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
*I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it.
*The Taliban have no disregard for human life.
*When the governor call, I answer his phone.
*Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.
*Too many obstetricians and gynaecologists aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country.
*America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness and for the unalienalienable right of life.
*One has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards.
*One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
*My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions.
*I think we agree, the past is over.
*The problem with the French is that they don?t have a word for entrepreneur.
*If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness.
*Justice ought to be fair.
*I know how hard it is to put food on your family.
*The important question is: how many hands have I shaked?
*September 4, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It's a day I will never forget.
*Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.
*Our enemies are innovative and resourceful and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and people, and neither do we.
Bush's Burblings
Someone sent me this and it's really funny. I am posting it for its humour value - I am NOT trying to stir the political pot - it's just for a laugh
Bush's Burblings (these are actual verifiable quotes)
*Will the highways on the internet become more few?
*It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life.
*I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq.
*I remember meeting a mother of a child who was abducted by the North Koreans right here in the Oval Office.
*We're concerned about Aids inside our White House - make no mistake about it.
*I'm honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein.
*I've coined new words, like "misunderstanding".
*I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances.
*It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way.
*One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end.
*I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here.
*You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
*I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it.
*The Taliban have no disregard for human life.
*When the governor call, I answer his phone.
*Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.
*Too many obstetricians and gynaecologists aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country.
*America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness and for the unalienalienable right of life.
*One has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards.
*One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
*My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions.
*I think we agree, the past is over.
*The problem with the French is that they don?t have a word for entrepreneur.
*If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness.
*Justice ought to be fair.
*I know how hard it is to put food on your family.
*The important question is: how many hands have I shaked?
*September 4, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It's a day I will never forget.
*Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.
*Our enemies are innovative and resourceful and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and people, and neither do we.
Ross
Well-known member
I forget now who I was talking with about Bushisms, but we came to the conclusion that he might well be dyslexic.
K
Karlynn
Those were funny! I hope someone is starting to keep track of VP Biden's slips, because I think they'll be pretty entertaining too. We had an assoc pastor at our church who was always making verbal flubs. (He's a dear friend.) Our high school kids hold an annual variety show and he was always getting lampooned in it. (But come to think of it - so am I!)
I love the word "strateegery". Even though Bush never said it - it fits him perfectly.
I hope someone is starting to keep track of VP Biden's slips, because I think they'll be pretty entertaining too. We had an assoc pastor at our church who was always making verbal flubs. (He's a dear friend.) Our high school kids hold an annual variety show and he was always getting lampooned in it. (But come to think of it - so am I!)I love the word "strateegery". Even though Bush never said it - it fits him perfectly.
Pretty funny
Pretty funny
http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7777/SOY.htm
Ray Stevens has done it again.
Pretty funny
http://home.comcast.net/~singingman7777/SOY.htm
Ray Stevens has done it again.
