Joke time
- Thread starter Ross
- Start date
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on.GOOD ONES everyone,good job!!!Three ladies in a sauna
Three ladies in a sauna
THREE WOMAN,TWO YOUNGER
AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,WERE
SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING
SOUND.THE YOUNG WOMAN
PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER
QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY
PAGER,SHE SAID.I HAVE A
MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY
ARM.
AFEW MINUTES LATER,A PHONE
RANG.THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN
LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE
EXPLAINED,'THAT WAS MY MOBILE
PHONE.I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY
HAND.
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW
-TECH.NOT TO BE OUT DONE,SHE
DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO
SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA
AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF
TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER
REAREND.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR
EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY
SAID.WELL,WILL YOU LOOK AT
THAT...........I'M GETTING A FAX!!!!!!!
ZIPPER2 (deb)
Three ladies in a sauna
THREE WOMAN,TWO YOUNGER
AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,WERE
SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING
SOUND.THE YOUNG WOMAN
PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER
QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY
PAGER,SHE SAID.I HAVE A
MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY
ARM.
AFEW MINUTES LATER,A PHONE
RANG.THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN
LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE
EXPLAINED,'THAT WAS MY MOBILE
PHONE.I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY
HAND.
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW
-TECH.NOT TO BE OUT DONE,SHE
DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO
SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA
AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF
TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER
REAREND.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR
EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY
SAID.WELL,WILL YOU LOOK AT
THAT...........I'M GETTING A FAX!!!!!!!
ZIPPER2 (deb)
Ross
Well-known member
M
Mary
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. The old man was cruel, and when they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared, and always pointed out proudly how he was able to terrorize all the townspeople to his wife, warning her he could make good on his threats.
To everyone's relief, he finally died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety and his otherworldly threats, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said,
"Let him dig."
"...I had him buried upside down."
Women think of everything!!!!
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared, and always pointed out proudly how he was able to terrorize all the townspeople to his wife, warning her he could make good on his threats.
To everyone's relief, he finally died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety and his otherworldly threats, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said,
"Let him dig."
"...I had him buried upside down."
Women think of everything!!!!
Holiday Rules Reviewed:
Holiday Rules Reviewed:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog- alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy
does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. Eat the volcano
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas
cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.
Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory
calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Holiday Rules Reviewed:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog- alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy
does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. Eat the volcano
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas
cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.
Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory
calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Old clicker
Well-known member
Two Irish men walk out of a Bar
What? It could happen!
What? It could happen!
Ross
Well-known member
New Treatment For Sunburn -
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"?
The wise doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"?
The wise doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."
debster913
Well-known member
I've loved reading the jokes here over the past few weeks, and I thought since I had time, I'd throw one in , courtesy of my (immature) students.
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
European! (You're a-peein'!)
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
European! (You're a-peein'!)
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up t o me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
Ross
Well-known member
Dear Sirs,
I wish to inform you of a rampant drug problem that is apparently occurring on drilling rigs across the country. I was in a rural café in west Texas and overheard two rig hands discussing their jobs. I was in shock at their blatant discussion of drug paraphernalia that is commonly found on all drilling rigs.
Apparently, there is a pusher on every rig! One of the rig hands was complaining that his pusher hollered at him for putting too much dope in the end of a pipe. It's hard to believe, but he also bragged about being able to roll a 30-foot joint all by himself! The second rig hand stated that he was wasted because everyone on the rig floor had been tripping all day. He said they were tripping out on something called DST. It must be similar to LSD because a man stopped by the rig hands' table and asked for directions to the rig. He said he had to deliver a load of acid.
I just want to be a good citizen and report what I overheard. I hope you can clean up this situation. It's no wonder that the USA is so reliant on foreign oil.
Yours Truly,
A Concerned Citizen
I wish to inform you of a rampant drug problem that is apparently occurring on drilling rigs across the country. I was in a rural café in west Texas and overheard two rig hands discussing their jobs. I was in shock at their blatant discussion of drug paraphernalia that is commonly found on all drilling rigs.
Apparently, there is a pusher on every rig! One of the rig hands was complaining that his pusher hollered at him for putting too much dope in the end of a pipe. It's hard to believe, but he also bragged about being able to roll a 30-foot joint all by himself! The second rig hand stated that he was wasted because everyone on the rig floor had been tripping all day. He said they were tripping out on something called DST. It must be similar to LSD because a man stopped by the rig hands' table and asked for directions to the rig. He said he had to deliver a load of acid.
I just want to be a good citizen and report what I overheard. I hope you can clean up this situation. It's no wonder that the USA is so reliant on foreign oil.
Yours Truly,
A Concerned Citizen
lb151
Well-known member
Beware, this could happen to you! REALLY!!!
>
> A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
> This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
>
> Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
>
> When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat.
>
> On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
>
> I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.
>
> P.S. WalMart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.
>
> --
>
> A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
> This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
>
> Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
>
> When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat.
>
> On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
>
> I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.
>
> P.S. WalMart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.
>
> --
> Beware:Blonde Joke!
> Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
> department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow
> behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of
> the street and down the other, then moved on to the next
> street...working furiously all day without rest, one girl
> digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
>
> An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
> understand what they were doing so he asked the hole digger,
> "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in
> to your work, but I don't get it...why do you dig a hole
> only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
> again?"
>
> The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I
> suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a
> three person team, but today the girl who plants the trees
> called in sick."
> Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
> department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow
> behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of
> the street and down the other, then moved on to the next
> street...working furiously all day without rest, one girl
> digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
>
> An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
> understand what they were doing so he asked the hole digger,
> "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in
> to your work, but I don't get it...why do you dig a hole
> only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
> again?"
>
> The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I
> suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a
> three person team, but today the girl who plants the trees
> called in sick."
Ross
Well-known member
Heart rendering
Heart rendering
Heart rendering
PairoDocs
Well-known member
I can get away with this since several of my mother's ancestors called Minnesota home. Sort of like people saying "It was a bit windy that day." when describing a tornado, etc. It's a bit long, but you'll understand why.
Here's another example:
Made up names, of course...
Len Nelson, an avid duck hunter in northern Minnesota had just retired his old retriever and needed a new one. A man passing through town had a young dog for sale, and Len thought that the price was right, but was perplexed about what the man said about this dog having some ?unusual? gift, and why he named the dog ?Jesus?. Len wasn?t interested in that?he just wanted to know if the dog was trained to retrieve ducks. The man demonstrated by throwing out a decoy which the dog promptly retrieved and brought to the man?s feet. This satisfied Len so he bought the dog. He named him Buck because he thought Jesus was somehow blasphemous and he didn?t want folks accusing him of using the Lord?s name in vain when calling his dog. The dog seemed to not mind his new name and immediately took to it. Len then got him used to his boat and gunfire before taking out to Leech Lake to test him.
Len took his boat out on a cold pre-dawn day with Buck and found a suitable place to set up his blind. He set out his decoys, blew his duck-call and was soon rewarded by the arrival of several fine mallards. Taking aim, he was able to shoot two of them before the rest of the birds got away. Then he said, ?Go get ?em.?
Buck leapt out of the boat, and Len lifted his hands to shield himself from the expected splash. It never came, not one solitary drop. Instead, with a ?pitty-patty? sound, the dog took off at a full run on top of the water, snatched up the first duck in his mouth, and returned at a full run, gently dropping the duck at feet of the now white-faced, slack-jawed Len. Then the dog took off after the second duck, and returned with the bird, this time climbing into the boat to sit in front of Len. Len nervously patted the bone-dry dog, wondering what to do next.
Well, in Minnesota people don?t usually get bent out of shape for no reason, but Len couldn?t contain himself when he drove back into town and went to his best friend, Justin Petersen?s house. If anyone was more sober than Justin, Len had yet to meet him. He was as ?Minnesota? as they come. Once his house burnt down, and Justin?s only response had been to call his insurance company after the firefighters put it all out to arrange for a claim on his losses. He then went a day late for his hunting trip, musing that at least the garage with his ATV and guns hadn?t burnt down with the rest of the house. Len wanted to see Justin?just once?get shocked or even surprised by something.
?Justin!? Len shouted as he ran up the steps. ?I have something I have to show you. You won?t believe it.?
?Now, Len, what?s got your knickers up in a twist?? He stood at the door of his recently rebuilt white house, arms folded across his chest.
?Remember my new dog, Buck??
?Yeah, good looking Labrador. Something the matter with him??
?Oh he?s fine, but I absolutely have to show you something?I need you to come out to Leech Lake with me right now. OK??
?All right, I?ll go out there?but this had better be good, I?m missing the hockey game.?
?Forget the hockey, just trust me.?
They then went out to Leech Lake, taking Buck, their guns, a few more decoys?Len had left his behind in the excitement earlier that day, and a good duck call.
They set up, Len said he was too nervous and would probably miss, so he had Justin shoot the ducks when they flew in. Three fell under Justin?s expert marksmanship.
With his heart pounding with excitement over the incredible thing he was going to show his best friend, he commanded Buck, ?Go get ?em.?
As before, Buck leapt from the boat, landing nary a splash, and took off at a full run toward the three downed ducks. Reaching one, he scooped up the duck and returned to the boat, depositing it in front of Len, then took off after the other ducks, returning them likewise, and finally climbing into the boat to stand bone-dry before the men, only his chin damp from the wet ducks he had retrieved. Len had noticed right from the start Justin?s frown as he watched Buck?s performance. No slack jaw, no astonishment, not even much interest, almost as if he was disappointed somehow. Len knew that Justin was a sober man, but this was beyond reason. Casually Justin swatted away a few dozen mosquitoes before speaking, giving Len a pitying look.
?Take me home, maybe I can catch the end of the game. We can stop by your blind and pick it up and your decoys on the way out. We can dress the ducks this evening at my place. Interested?? Justin started to pull in his decoys.
?Uh, didn?t you notice anything unusual about Buck?? Len was hoping Justin was just putting on an act and was about to burst from the effort of keeping his excitement inside.
Justin shrugged, ?Nope, can?t say I did.?
?So,? Len felt like reality was rocking like the boat beneath him, ?you didn?t notice anything out of the ordinary about Buck??
?You?ve been had, Len.? He said almost apologetically. ?Your dog?s no good.?
?Huh? What? Isn?t this the most astonishing thing you?ve ever seen? Buck running on top of the water like that? What do you mean ?had??? Len, more confused than ever awaited Justin?s explanation.
?Nope, I couldn?t honestly describe anything Buck just did as ?astonishing.? He retrieves pretty darned fast--I admit that's something in his favor, but he still has some serious problems for a Lab. First of all your dog can?t swim, what?s more he seems so water-shy he?s too afraid to even get his paws wet..."
Hope you all enjoy, and have a Happy New Year.
Chris
Here's another example:
Made up names, of course...
Len Nelson, an avid duck hunter in northern Minnesota had just retired his old retriever and needed a new one. A man passing through town had a young dog for sale, and Len thought that the price was right, but was perplexed about what the man said about this dog having some ?unusual? gift, and why he named the dog ?Jesus?. Len wasn?t interested in that?he just wanted to know if the dog was trained to retrieve ducks. The man demonstrated by throwing out a decoy which the dog promptly retrieved and brought to the man?s feet. This satisfied Len so he bought the dog. He named him Buck because he thought Jesus was somehow blasphemous and he didn?t want folks accusing him of using the Lord?s name in vain when calling his dog. The dog seemed to not mind his new name and immediately took to it. Len then got him used to his boat and gunfire before taking out to Leech Lake to test him.
Len took his boat out on a cold pre-dawn day with Buck and found a suitable place to set up his blind. He set out his decoys, blew his duck-call and was soon rewarded by the arrival of several fine mallards. Taking aim, he was able to shoot two of them before the rest of the birds got away. Then he said, ?Go get ?em.?
Buck leapt out of the boat, and Len lifted his hands to shield himself from the expected splash. It never came, not one solitary drop. Instead, with a ?pitty-patty? sound, the dog took off at a full run on top of the water, snatched up the first duck in his mouth, and returned at a full run, gently dropping the duck at feet of the now white-faced, slack-jawed Len. Then the dog took off after the second duck, and returned with the bird, this time climbing into the boat to sit in front of Len. Len nervously patted the bone-dry dog, wondering what to do next.
Well, in Minnesota people don?t usually get bent out of shape for no reason, but Len couldn?t contain himself when he drove back into town and went to his best friend, Justin Petersen?s house. If anyone was more sober than Justin, Len had yet to meet him. He was as ?Minnesota? as they come. Once his house burnt down, and Justin?s only response had been to call his insurance company after the firefighters put it all out to arrange for a claim on his losses. He then went a day late for his hunting trip, musing that at least the garage with his ATV and guns hadn?t burnt down with the rest of the house. Len wanted to see Justin?just once?get shocked or even surprised by something.
?Justin!? Len shouted as he ran up the steps. ?I have something I have to show you. You won?t believe it.?
?Now, Len, what?s got your knickers up in a twist?? He stood at the door of his recently rebuilt white house, arms folded across his chest.
?Remember my new dog, Buck??
?Yeah, good looking Labrador. Something the matter with him??
?Oh he?s fine, but I absolutely have to show you something?I need you to come out to Leech Lake with me right now. OK??
?All right, I?ll go out there?but this had better be good, I?m missing the hockey game.?
?Forget the hockey, just trust me.?
They then went out to Leech Lake, taking Buck, their guns, a few more decoys?Len had left his behind in the excitement earlier that day, and a good duck call.
They set up, Len said he was too nervous and would probably miss, so he had Justin shoot the ducks when they flew in. Three fell under Justin?s expert marksmanship.
With his heart pounding with excitement over the incredible thing he was going to show his best friend, he commanded Buck, ?Go get ?em.?
As before, Buck leapt from the boat, landing nary a splash, and took off at a full run toward the three downed ducks. Reaching one, he scooped up the duck and returned to the boat, depositing it in front of Len, then took off after the other ducks, returning them likewise, and finally climbing into the boat to stand bone-dry before the men, only his chin damp from the wet ducks he had retrieved. Len had noticed right from the start Justin?s frown as he watched Buck?s performance. No slack jaw, no astonishment, not even much interest, almost as if he was disappointed somehow. Len knew that Justin was a sober man, but this was beyond reason. Casually Justin swatted away a few dozen mosquitoes before speaking, giving Len a pitying look.
?Take me home, maybe I can catch the end of the game. We can stop by your blind and pick it up and your decoys on the way out. We can dress the ducks this evening at my place. Interested?? Justin started to pull in his decoys.
?Uh, didn?t you notice anything unusual about Buck?? Len was hoping Justin was just putting on an act and was about to burst from the effort of keeping his excitement inside.
Justin shrugged, ?Nope, can?t say I did.?
?So,? Len felt like reality was rocking like the boat beneath him, ?you didn?t notice anything out of the ordinary about Buck??
?You?ve been had, Len.? He said almost apologetically. ?Your dog?s no good.?
?Huh? What? Isn?t this the most astonishing thing you?ve ever seen? Buck running on top of the water like that? What do you mean ?had??? Len, more confused than ever awaited Justin?s explanation.
?Nope, I couldn?t honestly describe anything Buck just did as ?astonishing.? He retrieves pretty darned fast--I admit that's something in his favor, but he still has some serious problems for a Lab. First of all your dog can?t swim, what?s more he seems so water-shy he?s too afraid to even get his paws wet..."
Hope you all enjoy, and have a Happy New Year.
Chris
ctyguy
Well-known member
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big ****s, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big ****s, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
