Joke time

Valve Replacement Forums

Help Support Valve Replacement Forums:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
The difference between Guts and Balls

GUTS- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you going flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
 
I will start by saying women are the most beautiful creatures on earth....

Quote of the day:


'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of s#$%!
 
Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
 
Great place to be reading when can't sleep and need a smile (chuckle)
Appreciaate the laughs.....Chris is that true????
zipper2 (DEB)
 
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out and counted. "One, two, three, four.... Damn, you're right!"
 
Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how
he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told
her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey', she said, 'you received a very strange post card today'.
'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said. The wife gave it to him and
watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce.'

You'll never eat Spaghetti the same :D
 
from Billy

from Billy

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a Buddhist monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk .

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, - - - - - Sorry we can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. But I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles on the beach. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

So the man sets about his task. Some 45 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct so now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of Ruby. He asks for another key from the monks, who give it to him. But behind that door is another door, this one made of Sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of Emerald,......Silver, Topaz, and Amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

The man is so relieved. Finally he unlocks the last door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk !!!!!!!!
 
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a Buddhist monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk .

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, - - - - - Sorry we can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. But I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles on the beach. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

So the man sets about his task. Some 45 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct so now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of Ruby. He asks for another key from the monks, who give it to him. But behind that door is another door, this one made of Sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of Emerald,......Silver, Topaz, and Amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

The man is so relieved. Finally he unlocks the last door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk !!!!!!!!

Ann ...... You are rotten:D:D:D:D
 
Moms in Therapy Group:


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Linda, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Pamela: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."
 
For all of us who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

And, speaking of senior moments:


WHERE is my SUNDAY paper? The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

Madam, said the newspaper employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, Well, ****... so that's why no one was at church today.
:D:p:)
 
Misdiagnosis:

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'

The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class.'

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said
to him: 'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it
is?'

The old man said: 'I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think.'

One of the students said: 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'

The old man said: 'You thought......... but you are wrong.'

Then the other student said: 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.' The old man said: 'You thought......... but you are wrong.

So they asked him: 'Well, what do you have?'


The old man said: 'I thought it was GAS ..... but I was wrong'.
 
These get better every page full

These get better every page full

Well for sure these are great for a crappy few days i had
and cancelled surgery.

Lovenox in the belly is fine if you dont constantly laugh to hard:p:D

Thanks again needed this:):)

Zipper2 (DEB)
 
Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to
get over here.

'What is your name?' was the first thing the Chief asked the new
guy.

'Paul,' the new guy replied.

The Chief scowled, 'Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart,
liberal pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in bootcamp today, but I
don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their
last name only, Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be
referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?'


'Aye, aye, Chief!'


'Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?'

The new guy sighed and said, 'Darling. My name is Paul Darling,
Chief!'

'Okay----------------- Paul,........here's what I want you to do!
 
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interac t, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been mi ssing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
______________________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:

______________________________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

 
Back
Top