Joke time
- Thread starter Ross
- Start date
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One winter morning a couple is listening to the radio overbreakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. We are asking everyone to park their car on the even-numbered side of the street, so there is room for the snow ploughs to get through." The blonde goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow. So today you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so that the snow ploughs can get through." The blonde goes out and moves her car to the odd- numbered side.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ......". Then the power goes out. The blonde is very upset and with a worried look on her face she says to her husband, "Honey, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through today?" With love and understanding in his voice, the husband says......."why don't you just leave it in the garage this morning?"
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ......". Then the power goes out. The blonde is very upset and with a worried look on her face she says to her husband, "Honey, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through today?" With love and understanding in his voice, the husband says......."why don't you just leave it in the garage this morning?"
Ross
Well-known member
New store opening
New store opening
A new store has opened
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the
products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
New store opening
A new store has opened
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the
products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer .
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
sheridan07
Well-known member
sheridan07
Well-known member
Thank you Norma!
K
Karlynn
OMGosh - I'm crying. That was hilarious!
Ross
Well-known member
Rained out fishing trip
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back
into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in
that sh*t .."
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back
into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in
that sh*t .."
hensylee
Well-known member
well, bless my soul, listen to this one:
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb a** Yankee"
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb a** Yankee"
sheridan07
Well-known member
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvTJxMPzJlo
This is very funny! Forgive me if it is alittle off color
This is very funny! Forgive me if it is alittle off color
Ross
Well-known member
Well I think it's funny. Might be a little to harsh for some, but hey, they don't have to watch it.
lb151
Well-known member
You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.
Ross
Well-known member
>Taser lesson...A must READ!
>
>Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
>
>Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
>his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
>
>Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
>sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
>was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
>across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
>the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
>affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
>safety.
>
>WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
>home.
>
>I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
>Nothing! I was disappointed.I learned, however, that if I pushed the
>I learned, however, that if I pushed the
>button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
>the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
>burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
>
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
>really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
>target.
>
>I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
>and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
>to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
>want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
>in one hand, and taser in another.
>
>The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
>your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
>and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
>water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
>batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
>about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
>and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to
>myself, 'no possible way!'
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
>best...
>I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
>one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
>second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
>I
>decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
>touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
>
>HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
>
>WHAT THE HELL!!!a
>
>I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
>up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
>over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
>position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
>fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
>in
>the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
>
>The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
>a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt
>to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
>
>Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
>note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
>zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
>from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
>second burst would be considered conservative.
>
>SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
>
>A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
>that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
>surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
>the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so
>from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
>nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
>Novocain,
>and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
>Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
>sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
>believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
>offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
>
>P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
>'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
>
>Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
>
>Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
>his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
>
>Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
>sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
>was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
>across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
>the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
>affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
>safety.
>
>WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
>home.
>
>I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
>Nothing! I was disappointed.I learned, however, that if I pushed the
>I learned, however, that if I pushed the
>button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
>the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
>burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
>
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
>really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
>target.
>
>I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
>and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
>to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
>want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
>in one hand, and taser in another.
>
>The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
>your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
>and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
>water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
>batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
>about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
>and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to
>myself, 'no possible way!'
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
>best...
>I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
>one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one
>second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
>I
>decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
>touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
>
>HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
>
>WHAT THE HELL!!!a
>
>I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
>up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
>over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
>position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
>fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
>in
>the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
>
>The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
>a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt
>to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
>
>Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
>note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
>zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
>from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
>second burst would be considered conservative.
>
>SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
>
>A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
>that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
>surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
>the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so
>from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both
>nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
>Novocain,
>and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
>Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
>sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which
>believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
>offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
>
>P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>
>'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to
have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to
the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The
husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have
any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down
payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath & slumped to the floor. The manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave
any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the
produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could
even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements
with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to
have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to
the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The
husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have
any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down
payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath & slumped to the floor. The manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave
any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the
produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could
even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements
with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'
To brighten your day, take the bathtub test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
hensylee
Well-known member
believe it or not I just heard this on our local radion station news: **** passed away, etc. then it listed her children. this next: she was an avid breeder. (HUH?) then it said she loved her dog.
can you believe it. it's really true; I heard it not 30 minutes ago.
can you believe it. it's really true; I heard it not 30 minutes ago.
sheridan07
Well-known member
Compliments of Rodney Dangerfield:
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have
had anything to play with.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have
had anything to play with.
