Joke time

[Ross]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out
in the street and sees a blond cowboy
coming down the street with nothing on but
his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so
he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why
in the world were you undressed like this?'

The Cowboy says:

'Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the

bar down the road and this pretty little
red head asks me to go out to her motor
home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top
and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me
to take off my pants ... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks
me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now, go
to town cowboy... ', and here I am.'

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.

 

[Eva]

The Sheriff in a small town ........

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.

A good one, Ross, and here is another one:


An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife calmly said: "Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."

 

[escargome]

OK, here is a knee slapper for you:


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a 30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager..

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are.........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!






Have a lovely day

 

[Ross]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!!

 

[zipper2]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree!!

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF lol

zipper2 (DEB)

 

[njean]

All my husband wants for Christmas..........

View attachment 6517

 

[terryj]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks. His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a Headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.'

It Worked! The headaches are all gone.' The husband replies, 'Well, that is wonderful.' His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?' The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'Boy that was wonderful!' The husband says, 'Don't move, I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, 'She's not my wife.
She's not my wife. She's not my wife...'

His funeral services will be held on Friday.

 

[Cooker]

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

 

[gadgetman]

Howdy Y'all.

ah submit th' follerin' in answer t'Mary's tempo'ary "TOMORROW" avatar..........

Bubba

 

[Mary]

Howdy Y'all.

ah submit th' follerin' in answer t'Mary's tempo'ary "TOMORROW" avatar..........

Bubba

Maybe I'm looking forward to tomorrow's ass burning!

 

[Cooker]

Maybe I'm looking forward to tomorrow's ass burning!

I'll take mine rare, please

 

[Ross]

No offense to Rich or any other Auto worker here, but this is funny:

http://buffalobeast.com/133/bigthree.jpg?ref=patrick.net

 

[lb151]

A very elderly couple were sitting in their favorite chairs not saying much to one another when He very unenthusiastically asked her, "whatever happened to our sexual relations?" She replied in a monotone voice "I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

 

[Ross]

A very elderly couple were sitting in their favorite chairs not saying much to one another when He very unenthusiastically asked her, "whatever happened to our sexual relations?" She replied in a monotone voice "I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."

Exactly! That's the way it is here too.

 

[njean]

Exactly! That's the way it is here too.

Too funny! My DH & I always carry two completely different conversations all the time! LOL!


View attachment 6541

 

[Bina]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He
> >>>was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like
> >>>he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
> >>>do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

> >>>She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your
> >>>temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled
> >>>down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. 'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse
> >>>stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This
> >>>started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and
> >>>bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he
> >>>heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
> >>> until I get back!' She left the door to his room open on her way out.

> >>>He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door,
> >>>laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
> >>>'What's going on here?' asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered,
> >>>'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their
> >>>temperature taken?' After a pause, the doctor confessed..... 'Sure, but not with
> >>>a carnation!!

 

[Freddie]

LMAO - That's a keeper.

 

[JimL]

Why didn't House think of that?

 

[Bina]

Why didn't House think of that?

I guess House didn't think of this one either:



>A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as
> >a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very
> >pretty female doctor.
> >
> >The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this
> >new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
> >want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, and then while I check
> >your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.
> >
> >The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your
> >left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
> >99.'
> >
> >Again, the guy says, '99.'
> >
> >The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with
> >your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this
> >hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it
> >out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'
> >
> >The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three.....'.
> >

 

[Eva]

This is supposedly a true 911 call:

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!