Joke time

[njean]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

 

[njean]

AARP Survey

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore - under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year-olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year-olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year-olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'

 

[njean]

A laugh or two, or three or four.....

A laugh or two, or three or four.....

Dr. Suess's Books for Older Kids:

View attachment 6461

 

[njean]

Dr. Suess continued.....

View attachment 6462

 

[njean]

And still more of Dr. Suess.....

View attachment 6463

 

[njean]

Some more......

View attachment 6464

 

[njean]

And last but not least........

View attachment 6465

 

[Bina]

Norma, have you been hanging out in the "alternative" book shops again??? LOL

 

[Bina]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals,
kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member, of being
an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Elmer (and several others) that everyone seeing it
there would know exactly what he was doing!

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

 

[lb151]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.

Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,

'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late,

got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme,

she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said,

'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He, winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'

 

[Cooker]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.

Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say,

'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late,

got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme,

she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said,

'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'

'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

He, winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'

Does that work????

 

[lb151]

Not so far,,but I,,uumm,, I mean we,are still trying..heeeheee

 

[njean]

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

An early Turkey story:

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm.?

He stopped and asked the boy,
'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied,
'What turkey?'

The game warden said,

'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'?

The boy looks down and said,

'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'?

The game warden said,

'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that
turkey, I'm going to do to you.?

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg.

If you break his wing, I'll break your arm.

Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you.

So, what are you gonna do with him?'?

The boy said,

'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

And now..

To wish you a GREAT THANKSGIVING!!

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

[hensylee]

Does that work????

when you get through trying it out you will let us know?

 

[Cooker]

when you get through trying it out you will let us know?

I will be glad to provide a complete report

 

[hensylee]

oh, so true........... you know who you are

oh, so true........... you know who you are

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Lube Shop when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


Money spent:
Oil Change:
$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========


Oil Change instructions for Men :


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

 

[Turkey Hunter]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Lube Shop when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


Money spent:
Oil Change:
$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========


Oil Change instructions for Men :


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

With the exception to the DUI & impounded car....you got me pegged on this one Ann!!!!

ROFLMAO!!!!!

 

[Bina]

Yup, a few years back my Hubby also decided that driving to the local garage for the oil changes was worth it.
Crikey, there goes my entertainment...!

 

[JimL]

I resemble some of those remarks about the oil change.... but I do continue to do my own.

 

[hensylee]

First Christmas joke of this year:

First Christmas joke of this year:

Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.