Joke time

[njean]

Why Seniors Don't Trick or Treat!

Why Seniors Don't Trick or Treat!

You know you're too old to trick or treat when:

You get winded just knocking on the door;

You have to have another kid chew the candy for you;

You ask for candy that's high in fiber;

When someone drops a candy in your bag, you try to look inside and lose your balance;

When someone says, "hey, that's a great Boris Karloff mask" and you're NOT even wearing a mask!

When someone knocks on the door you say, "Trick or .... but you can't remember the rest!

By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders!

You carefully choose a custome that won't dislodge your hairpiece;

You're the ONLY power ranger in the neighborhood in a walker;

And the #1 reason seniors should not go trick or treating, You have to go home and pee!

 

[hensylee]

Billy sent this because the Queen told him to

Billy sent this because the Queen told him to

You all know Billy - from the Emerald Isles

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II



In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)



Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).



Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.



Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. (A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.)



To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:



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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-'ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary')

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u'' and the elimination of "-ize."

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e., tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.



God Save the Queen!

 

[Bina]

Ann, my Brit hubby and I had a good laugh, thanks!

 

[Superbob]

That's priceless, Ann. I could perhaps go for the revocation of independence and reversion to the Crown except for the Queen's ban on baseball. That's a deal-breaker for me, especially after being inspired by the Rays going from "worst to first."

 

[JimL]

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

I heartily agree! May the Reinheitsgebot be reinstated: no more rice in our beer.

 

[netmiff]

"...except for the Queen's ban on baseball. That's a deal-breaker for me,..."


superbob, you could always learn cricket, that should kill a few years for you!

This Brit roared with laughter!

 

[Superbob]

"...except for the Queen's ban on baseball. That's a deal-breaker for me,..."


superbob, you could always learn cricket, that should kill a few years for you!

This Brit roared with laughter!

Kill a few years, or just kill Superbob? Cricket has mysterious properties, like Kryptonite

 

[Wise]

Ann, please tell Billy to tell Queenie that I can abide by her list except for the tea time bit. I can show up at 4:00, but only with a venti cup of Starbuck's bold coffee of the day. I hope she does not send me to Kansas, but if so I will swiftly look for the yellow brick road.

 

[skeptic49]

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4.) Zippo Manufact uring, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywel l Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally. .. (drum roll)

9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

 

[Cooker]

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4.) Zippo Manufact uring, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywel l Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally. .. (drum roll)

9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

Jim .... Thanks for the chuckle ?. I especially liked 5 and 9

 

[wtatc88]

I think this is my favorite thread. LOL

 

[njean]

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no
longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl.
The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an
idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's
name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong
about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.

 

[gadgetman]

Points to Ponder!

Points to Ponder!

1. The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

2. Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

3. Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

4. Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

5. All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

6. Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

7. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

8. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

9. In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

11. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

13. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

14. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?

15. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

16. Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

17. Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

May God Bless,

Danny

 

[njean]

Have a good night all!

View attachment 6412

 

[Freddie]

A mom's favorite last words of the day.
Hope your listening Ross

 

[hensylee]

I saw a billboard sign that said:

NEED HELP, CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.



A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower

 

[njean]

I saw a billboard sign that said:

NEED HELP, CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.



A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower

Toooooo funny --- I almost spit out my coffee laughing so hard!

 

[Bina]

A kindergarten pupil tells his teacher that he has found a cat, but it's dead.
The teacher asks "How do you know it's dead?"
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," replied the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" exclaimed the teacher.
The boy explained, "I leaned over and went "PSST!" and it didn't move.

 

[Cooker]

A kindergarten pupil tells his teacher that he has found a cat, but it's dead.
The teacher asks "How do you know it's dead?"
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," replied the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" exclaimed the teacher.
The boy explained, "I leaned over and went "PSST!" and it didn't move.

Cute

 

[netmiff]

A kindergarten pupil tells his teacher that he has found a cat, but it's dead.
The teacher asks "How do you know it's dead?"
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," replied the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" exclaimed the teacher.
The boy explained, "I leaned over and went "PSST!" and it didn't move.

That one nearly earned me a coffee-coloured monitor - and a very curious DH

(HIM : what are you laughing at, dear?
ME : My valve replacement forum.....
HIM ; Oh, yeah ... what's funny about valve replacement?
ME : Bina, Cooker, gadgetman, Bonzo (but he's MIA), hensylee, etc etc
HIM : OK, OK, I see now )