netmiff
Well-known member
Bonzo, you made my husband's day with that one - and the guy who owns the store down the road from us, and the bus driver, and the girl in the coffee shop, and . . . . .
Joke time
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Great Joke!!!
A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said
'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct myrude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued........'May I enquire as to what the turkey did?'
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said
'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct myrude and unforgivable behavior.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued........'May I enquire as to what the turkey did?'
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Toooooo funny Bina.......thanks for the laughs!!
JimL
Well-known member
Shared with me by my dearest wife
Shared with me by my dearest wife
Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr ho gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr piss.
Shared with me by my dearest wife
Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.
Yu haf no idr ho gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr piss.
Why some things just fail.........
Why some things just fail.........
Why some businesses just can't make it.......
View attachment 6374
Why some things just fail.........
Why some businesses just can't make it.......
View attachment 6374
Turkey Hunter
Well-known member
A middle aged woman decided to return to college to get her degree in psychology....
While in class one day discussing the physics of orgasms in men and women and how they differ; the instructor asked her very pointed if she knew what her as* hole was doing when she had an orgasm.....
She replied "Probably out deer hunting with his buddies"
While in class one day discussing the physics of orgasms in men and women and how they differ; the instructor asked her very pointed if she knew what her as* hole was doing when she had an orgasm.....
She replied "Probably out deer hunting with his buddies"
A couple goes to the marriage counsellor and they decide that it would be most beneficial if they arranged a "Date Night".
So, he goes out on Friday....and she goes out on Saturday.
So, he goes out on Friday....and she goes out on Saturday.
Turkey Hunter
Well-known member
Redneck Word of the Day
TEXAS
I hate it when my boyfriend texas me when I am in bed with my husband.
TEXAS
I hate it when my boyfriend texas me when I am in bed with my husband.
too funny!!!:D
Donald duck and daisey duck!!!!!
Donald duck and daisey duck!!!!!
Donald duck @ Daisy Duck were spendin the night together
in a hotel room @ Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
First thing Daisy asked was "DO YOU HAVE A CONDOM?"
Donald frowned no
Daisy told Donald if he didn't get a condom that they couldnot have sex.
Check the front desk she suggested.
So donald went down to the lobby @ asked the hotel clerk,
YES we do the clerk said @ pulled one out from under the counter,
the clerk asked "would you like me to put it on your bill?"
NO donald quacked.....What kinda pervert do you think i am
Seeing as i havent put a funny on here yet thought i better get at it
zipper2 (DEB)
Donald duck and daisey duck!!!!!
Donald duck @ Daisy Duck were spendin the night together
in a hotel room @ Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
First thing Daisy asked was "DO YOU HAVE A CONDOM?"
Donald frowned no
Daisy told Donald if he didn't get a condom that they couldnot have sex.
Check the front desk she suggested.
So donald went down to the lobby @ asked the hotel clerk,
YES we do the clerk said @ pulled one out from under the counter,
the clerk asked "would you like me to put it on your bill?"
NO donald quacked.....What kinda pervert do you think i am
Seeing as i havent put a funny on here yet thought i better get at it
zipper2 (DEB)
Ducks in Heaven
Ducks in Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck
Ducks in Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck
Dale
Well-known member
Oooh -- that was a zinger!
