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No speaka englis
No speaka englis
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,'
she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives.'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.'
No speaka englis
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,'
she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives.'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.'
Ross
Well-known member
three nuns were attending a cubs baseball game..
Three men were sitting directly behind..
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area..
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, 'i think i'm going to move to utah .. There are only 100 nuns living there..'
then the second guy spoke up and said, 'i want to go to montana .. There are only 5o nuns living there..'
the third guy said, 'i want to go to idaho .. There are only 25 nuns living there..'
one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said,
'why don't you go to hell .. There are no nuns there!'
Three men were sitting directly behind..
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area..
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, 'i think i'm going to move to utah .. There are only 100 nuns living there..'
then the second guy spoke up and said, 'i want to go to montana .. There are only 5o nuns living there..'
the third guy said, 'i want to go to idaho .. There are only 25 nuns living there..'
one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said,
'why don't you go to hell .. There are no nuns there!'
A Play On Words
A Play On Words
These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually knee-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
similar to my character lines.
A Play On Words
These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually knee-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
similar to my character lines.
Turkey Hunter
Well-known member
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cud dling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It
was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the
urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting
room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that
the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like
a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads
around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
My new part time job.
I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated job after retiring from my "day job". Unfortunatley as I have gotten older I have became a little less sensative.
so after landing my new job as a Wal Mart greeter, a great find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obsenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I was instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good Morning, and welcome to Wal Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly women stops yelling long enough to say " Hell no, they ain't twins! The oldest one's 9 and the other one is 7. Why in the hell would you think they are twins? Are you blind, or are you just stupid?" So I replied, " I'm niether blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice, have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal Mart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cud dling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It
was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get 'those feelings' again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the
urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting
room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that
the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like
a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads
around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
My new part time job.
I had ambitions of finding a simple, uncomplicated job after retiring from my "day job". Unfortunatley as I have gotten older I have became a little less sensative.
so after landing my new job as a Wal Mart greeter, a great find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obsenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I was instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good Morning, and welcome to Wal Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly women stops yelling long enough to say " Hell no, they ain't twins! The oldest one's 9 and the other one is 7. Why in the hell would you think they are twins? Are you blind, or are you just stupid?" So I replied, " I'm niether blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice, have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal Mart."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work
Dale
Well-known member
some humour from Newfoundland, Canada
some humour from Newfoundland, Canada
CLEVER NEWFIE..
A Newfie was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests
full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man,
'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the Newfie. 'I ain't got none of dem dere
licenses. I don't need one . You must understand, by, dese here is
my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Dat's de trut' bye. Every night, I take dese fish down to de
cove and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Den, when I whistles, dey
jump right back into dese here ice chests and I takes 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The Newfie looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's de
trut' Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O.K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The Newfie stood on a rock and poured the fish into the cove.
Then he stood and looked out to sea.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the Newf.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the Newfie.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers on
de mainland but by the lard tundering jaysus we ain't as dumb as some
government employees.
some humour from Newfoundland, Canada
CLEVER NEWFIE..
A Newfie was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests
full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man,
'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the Newfie. 'I ain't got none of dem dere
licenses. I don't need one . You must understand, by, dese here is
my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Dat's de trut' bye. Every night, I take dese fish down to de
cove and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Den, when I whistles, dey
jump right back into dese here ice chests and I takes 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The Newfie looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's de
trut' Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O.K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The Newfie stood on a rock and poured the fish into the cove.
Then he stood and looked out to sea.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the Newf.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the Newfie.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers on
de mainland but by the lard tundering jaysus we ain't as dumb as some
government employees.
Medical costs
Medical costs
Why medical costs are so high:-
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.
Medical costs
Why medical costs are so high:-
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.
Hey, Great stuff here today....thanks!
aussie girl
Well-known member
DEER MEAT
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.
Well he said "It's what mommy calls me sometimes"
The little girl screams to her brother
"Don't eat it, it's an asshole"
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.
Well he said "It's what mommy calls me sometimes"
The little girl screams to her brother
"Don't eat it, it's an asshole"
aussie girl
Well-known member
Here are the top comments made by NBC sports commentators during the summer olympics that they would like to take back:-
1. WEIGHTLIFTING COMMENTATOR :- "This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria, I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. DRESSAGE COMMENTATOR :- "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. PAUL HAMM- GYMNAST :- "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. BOXING ANALYST :- "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. SOFTBALL ANNOUNCER :- "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. BASKETBALL ANALYST :- "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. AT THE ROWING MEDAL CEREMONY :- "Ah isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. SOCCER COMMENTATOR :- "Julian Dick is everywhere. Its like they've got eleven dicks on the field."
9. TENNIS COMMENTATOR :- "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...oh my God what have I just said."
1. WEIGHTLIFTING COMMENTATOR :- "This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria, I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. DRESSAGE COMMENTATOR :- "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. PAUL HAMM- GYMNAST :- "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. BOXING ANALYST :- "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. SOFTBALL ANNOUNCER :- "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. BASKETBALL ANALYST :- "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. AT THE ROWING MEDAL CEREMONY :- "Ah isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. SOCCER COMMENTATOR :- "Julian Dick is everywhere. Its like they've got eleven dicks on the field."
9. TENNIS COMMENTATOR :- "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...oh my God what have I just said."
hensylee
Well-known member
Billy sent this one:
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and
the run on Northern Rock in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded,
Sumo Bank has gone belly up and
Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song
while today
shares in Kamikaze! Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,
Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore,
500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report
that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared
that staff may get a raw deal.
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and
the run on Northern Rock in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded,
Sumo Bank has gone belly up and
Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song
while today
shares in Kamikaze! Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,
Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore,
500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report
that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared
that staff may get a raw deal.
Turkey Hunter
Well-known member
How do you tell the sex of a fly????
How do you tell the sex of a fly????
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
And you probably thought this would be dirty ... shame on YOU!!!
Two hunters were walking through the woods. one of them fell down and grabbed his chest like he was in great pain. His friend had a cell phone with and called the operater. He said, I need help, i think my friend is dead. She said calm down I can help! first, make sure he is dead. The operated waited, and then heard a gun shot. He came back on the phone and said, now what?
How do you tell the sex of a fly????
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
And you probably thought this would be dirty ... shame on YOU!!!
Two hunters were walking through the woods. one of them fell down and grabbed his chest like he was in great pain. His friend had a cell phone with and called the operater. He said, I need help, i think my friend is dead. She said calm down I can help! first, make sure he is dead. The operated waited, and then heard a gun shot. He came back on the phone and said, now what?
hall
Well-known member
I Agree! I look forward to reading these. Too funny.
So..you wanna be the man around the house huh?.......
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be the Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, 'The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess.'
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be the Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, 'The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess.'
When I wa Sends younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.
They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
I LOVE it. It is rare to be samrt and funny. I cracked and I would laugh even when I just remember it. I can imagine their reaction!!
hensylee
Well-known member
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
