Joke time

[Tbone]

A wee Belfast boy came home from school in tears.
'What's the matter, son?' asked his mammy.
'We were doing sums today, Mammy,' he said.
'And were they too hard?'
'Well, the teacher said either I couldn't count, or I was stupid, or all three.'

 

[Tbone]

paddy english man irish & scots are on a train compartment together with a hot babe & an old dear. the train goes through a tunnel.........SMACK!!!!!!!! train emerges from tunnel paddy english man has been decked is on the floor holding his smacked puss. Hot babe thinks "he just felt up the old dear thinking it was me & she decked him". Old dear thinks "he just felt up that young girl & she decked him ". Paddy irish man thinks "I cant wait til the next tunnel so i can smack that english bollix again

 

[Tbone]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

 

[Cooker]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Boy, you are on a roll today.... good one

 

[Tbone]

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done?

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

 

[hensylee]

time for a bit of religion:

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 9:45?'

 

[njean]

Julie Andrews turns 69 - Pretty much sums it up!

Julie Andrews turns 69 - Pretty much sums it up!

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she
used:

View attachment 6766


(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemak ers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When t he pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remembe r my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> >
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please
share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who
would appreciate it

 

[Eva]

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall .....................she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she
used:
[/B]

Very true and funny! I wish I knew when this was, I would have attended it. She and Meryl Streep are my top favorites actresses!

 

[Tbone]

Have you ever heard of the two gay Irishmen?


Gerald Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzgerald

If you don't get it say it out loud.

 

[zipper2]

So glad we don't have to VOTE these jokes cus all are
sooooooo good ........finally caught up on my laughs
TBone you were on a roll (LOL)

zipper2 (DEB)

 

[Tbone]

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

 

[zipper2]

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.

Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

Think if i recall some of it i felt this way in intensive care
after my surgery

zipper2 (DEB)

 

[Tbone]

Ther is concern that I am overdoing it with the Irish jokes. I am not picking on the Irish I am celebrating my heritage. If you can't laugh at yourself.........

 

[Tbone]

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead

=================

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

==================================

A friend is someone you can call to help you move. A best friend is someone you can call to help you move a body.

==================================

An Irishman arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.

'No, 'replied the Irishman.' It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.'

'That's terrible, how did that happen?'

'The cork fell out of me bottle.'

===========================

Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'

'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'




=============

 

[Karlynn]

Ther is concern that I am overdoing it with the Irish jokes. I am not picking on the Irish I am celebrating my heritage. If you can't laugh at yourself.........

The best Irish jokes come from my Irish friends.

 

[Ross]

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is
a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker
in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together
and I've never seen a man go into or leave their
apartment.

Do you think they could be Lebanese ?


Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language, and Violence On
My VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm
not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.


Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I
think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I
don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around,
and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything
and said it would never happen again.


Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own ?


Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now
how do I get out?


Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00
an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be
crazy.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.


Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor.
Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do ?


Remember: these people walk among us and they breed.

 

[Ross]

Now this is something I normally don't care for, but this is pretty good!

http://break.com/index/the-rapping-flight-attendant.html

 

[ejonbry]

Two canniballistic clowns are at a table eating one of their own when one looks at the other and says, "Does something taste funny?"

 

[ejonbry]

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap and the Phd says, "I can clearly see your nuts!"

 

[Tbone]

I am sending this to everyone who sends me email.


One of you sent a virus.

It is a very severe virus.



Look what it did to my mouse