Joke time

[hensylee]

SOME OF YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THIS
(FOR THE REST OF YOU IT WILL BE A LEARNING SITUATION)

A LICK AND A PROMISE

'I'll just give this a lick and a promise,' my mother said as she quickly mopped up a spill on the floor without moving any of the furniture.
'What is that supposed to mean,' I asked as in my young mind I envisioned someone licking the floor with his or her tongue.
'It means that I'm in a hurry and I'm busy canning tomatoes so I am going to just give it a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the job right later.
'A lick and a promise' was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear. This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous. Here is a list of some of those memorable old phrases:

1. A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement)
2. An Axe to Grind (Someone w ho has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge)
3. One bad apple spoils the whole barr el (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don't remove the bad one)
4. At sea (lost or not understanding something)
5. Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person)
6. Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.)
7. Barking up the wrong tree (talking about something that was completely the wrong issue with the wrong person)
8. Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won't let loose )
9. Been through the mill (had a rough time of it)
10. Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult)
11. Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk)
12. Calaboose (a jail)
13. Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle)
14. Dicker (To barter or trade)
15. Feather in Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy)
16. Hold your horses (Be patient!)
17. Hoosegow ( a jail)
18. I reckon (I suppose)
19. Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing)
20. Kit and caboodle (The whole thing)
21. Madder than an wet hen (really angry)
22. Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson)
23. No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore)
24. Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish)
25. Pert-near (short for pretty near)
26. Pretty is a s pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks)
27. Red up (clean the house)
28. Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person)
29. Scarce as hen's teeth (something difficult to obtain)
30. Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly)
31. Sparking (courting)
32. Straight From the Horse's Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned)
33. Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value)
34. Sunday go to meetin' dress (The best dress you had)
35. We wash up real fine (is another goodie)
36. Tie the Knot (to get married)
37. Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things)
38. Tuckered out (tired and all worn out)
39. Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather)
4 0. Wearing your 'best bib and tucker' (Being all dressed up)
41. You ain't the only duck in the pond (It's not all about you)

 

[skeptic49]

Ann, I reckon you get a feather in your cap for that straight from the horses mouth list, unless someone has an axe to grind with you about it!

Jim

 

[Lionheart]

Ann,
Thanks! Those idioms were fun. Did you know that:

"A lick and a promise" may allude to a quick lick that a cat might give itself with the promise that it will do more or better at a later time.

"Straight from the horse's mouth" was best explained at phrases.org a UK site quoted below.

"In horse racing circles tips on which horse is a likely winner circulate amongst punters [bettors?]. The most trusted authorities are considered to be those in closest touch with the recent form of the horse, i.e. stable lads, trainers etc. The notional 'from the horse's mouth' is supposed to indicate one step better than even that inner circle, i.e. the horse itself."

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth" means don't be ungrateful when you receive a gift. You can age a horse by looking at it's teeth and if someone gives you a horse you should not look in its mouth to figure out if it's a young horse (a nice gift) or an old horse (a worn out gift). Instead you should be thankful for what you got.

One of my favorites is "out of the blue" which is used when something hits you by surprise. This came from the experience of warriors when they were struck by arrows quietly falling out of the sky or "out of the blue". Now, where is our resident archer njean?

Waiting for a response with bated breath,
John

 

[njean]

Now, where is our resident archer njean?
John

You rang????

View attachment 6281

 

[lisou]

4 old mischievous Grandma's were sitting at a table in a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandma's said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his drawers.

The Grandma's asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

 

[njean]

Lookie what I jest won at the fair Maw!!

View attachment 6288

 

[CThrock]

Norma, I never win anything at those fairs!!! You have all the LUCK!!!

 

[Bina]

Norma, all I could ever fit in the back of my car was a goat.....LOL

 

[Dina]

Norma, all I could ever fit in the back of my car was a goat.....LOL

What about your new cat?
If you haven't got one yet I have one I'll send ya...free of charge!!

 

[Bina]

Dina, I've got cats.....3 of my own, and a couple more that show up for meals.
There is a stray male who really needs to be neutered. He's hard to catch.

 

[njean]

Norma, all I could ever fit in the back of my car was a goat.....LOL

Did you say you want yur car detailed?!!!


View attachment 6289

 

[Dina]

Guess I'm outta luck.
Like I could actually put in a carrier and ship her off
And besides she is absolutely in love with my husband--
she follows him from room to room and then she will just sit at
his feet and idolize him.This, from a cat who has been spayed
Next cat I get will be male

 

[Bina]

We have a fluffy female cat that I brought in from being dumped and she ADORES hubby ever since I abandonned her for 16 days to have OHS. Well, excuse me.

 

[hensylee]

words for thought

words for thought

From an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.



My Mum always said ?resorting to swearing shows a marked lack of intelligence?. (Mums are always right!)





The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."



A Member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."



"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr



"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill



"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow



"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).



"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas plan to send this to those emailers who send political lying stuff



"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain



"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde



"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill



"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.



"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop



"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright



"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

- Irvin S. Cobb



"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

- Samuel Johnson



"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating



"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand



"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker



"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain



"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West



"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde



"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)



"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder



"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

 

[skeptic49]

Ann, those are gems!

Jim

 

[Bonzo Dog]

Nice one Ann.

Another part of the Lady Astor, Churchill exchange; Winston was a drinker, brandy for breakfast was reported as not unusual ............


"Sir, you're drunk!"

"Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

 

[Turkey Hunter]

There were two blonds walking through the woods;
One says "hey look at those bear tracks"
The other one says" no goofy, those are deer tracks"







They both were hit by the train!!



Oh; here's one Ann....
Mind your "P's" and "Q's".....does anyone know the origin of this one; without searching the internet for it. I have only ever spoke to one person who knew the real origin.
It means to "be good" or to not get to out of control.


One more of ife's little pleasures:
Remember it take 42 muscles in the face to frown.....but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bi*ch slap the SOB that is ticking you off!!

 

[hensylee]

One more of ife's little pleasures:
Remember it take 42 muscles in the face to frown.....but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bi*ch slap the SOB that is ticking you off!!

OUCH!!!

I used to know where P's and Q's came from but I got really old and forgot. Somebody please tell us.......... I think it might've been English.

 

[Eva]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the Woman and says,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

 

[Freddie]

First-year students at the Guelph University Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

?Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, ?The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it?s even tougher if you're stupid.