Joke time

[Bonzo Dog]

A young boy living on a farm comes down to breakfast. His mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the lad. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his jobs. Well, he's in a childish strop, so as he goes to feed the chickens, he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Oh no don't I get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he moodily complains.
"Well," his mother says, "As I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a full week either. You also kicked the cow, so, for seven days forget milk."

Just then, after a bad early morning his father grumpily comes in for breakfast and kicks the cat as he strides into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a cheeky smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

[Mary]

A young boy living on a farm comes down to breakfast. His mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the lad. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his jobs. Well, he's in a childish strop, so as he goes to feed the chickens, he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Oh no don't I get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he moodily complains.
"Well," his mother says, "As I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a full week either. You also kicked the cow, so, for seven days forget milk."

Just then, after a bad early morning his father grumpily comes in for breakfast and kicks the cat as he strides into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a cheeky smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Woo Hoo!

 

[Cooker]

Below is a story I remind my salespeople of when necessary, which is too often … I hate to think how many sales have been lost by judging a book by the cover……

In a small fishing village a local merchant was waiting on a customer when in walks a small boy … the merchant smirks “watch this” he says to the kid … "ready to play the game?" the kid excitedly indicated yes … the merchant hold out in one hand a crumpled old dollar bill … in the other hand two shiny quarters …. The kid takes the quarters …. The merchant remarks to his customer “I love it, we play every day … poor kid ain’t all there” … a few days later the customer sees the same kid buying an ice cream cone and says “look son, in that game you play with the fish man you should take the dollar … don’t you know a dollar is worth twice as much as the two quarters?” … the kid says “ sure I know” … the guy says “then why do you take the two quarters?!” … the kid smiles and says “if I took the dollar the game would be over”

 

[Bonzo Dog]

You will all know of the much loved, dear old British Bobby.

In my early years Ladybird reading books were a mainstay of infant school education. We had many in the class, all bringing on our reading skills and informing us of various worthy jobs and professions The Policeman one probably first printed late 1950's early 60's.

Here is a satirical pastiche 1950's graphics with 2008 wording.

http://seorant.ath.cx/police/ladybird.html

 

[Bina]

Bonzo, I think I hurt myself from laughing......!!!
(nice book, great pics)

 

[Dina]

Very clever Cooker.

Bonzo-Just love English humor-both the irony and the absurdity.
Big Monty Python fan here.

Here is one; and guys don't take it the wrong way...I love the male
"species" From the top of my head to the tips of my toes!

WHY MEN SHOULD NOT TAKE MESSAGES:

 

[Lotti]

Hehehe

Hehehe

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

 

[skeptic49]

Bonzo, the "Ladybird" book is a gas!

I loved "Why men shouldn't take messages" too.

FUNNY STUFF!

 

[Bonzo Dog]

A man is alone in a wood, and he speaks - there is no woman to hear him - is he still wrong?

 

[lb151]

I went to school with these guys

I went to school with these guys

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
>>>>
>>>> One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this
>>>> catalog?'
>>>>
>>>> The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the
>>>> price!'
>>>>
>>>> The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
>>>> At
>>>> this price, I'm buying one.'
>>>>
>>>> The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea!
>>>>
>>>> Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will
>>>> get
>>>> one
>>>> too.'
>>>>
>>>> Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever
>>>> receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
>>>>
>>>> The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got
>>>> her
>>>> clothes yesterday!'
>>>>
>>>>

 

[Cooker]

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
>>>>
>>>> One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this
>>>> catalog?'
>>>>
>>>> The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the
>>>> price!'
>>>>
>>>> The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
>>>> At
>>>> this price, I'm buying one.'
>>>>
>>>> The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea!
>>>>
>>>> Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will
>>>> get
>>>> one
>>>> too.'
>>>>
>>>> Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever
>>>> receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
>>>>
>>>> The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got
>>>> her
>>>> clothes yesterday!'
>>>>
>>>>

A real groaner

 

[skeptic49]

I liked it, Lou!

Jim

 

[marie]

63 and pregnant

63 and pregnant

63 and pregnant





A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen
by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the
examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem
was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and
sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the
hallway to the first doctor's room.


'What the hell's wrong with you?' he demanded. This woman

is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren,
and you told her she was pregnant?!!'

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and
without looking up said: 'Does she still have the hiccups?'

 

[Bina]

Tom was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Tom decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Tom replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead
and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

 

[Cooker]

Tom was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Tom decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Tom replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead
and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

At least I got to see 60 minutes of the game uninterrupted

 

[Bina]

At least I got to see 60 minutes of the game uninterrupted

Bad, bad monkey!

 

[Cooker]

I Don't write em I just pass em on

I Don't write em I just pass em on

The Barbershop....

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the after shave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to McCain and said, "How about you?"

McCain replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a Whorehouse smells like."

 

[Cooker]

When I wa Sends younger I hated

going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts

and the grandmotherly types

used to come up to me, poke

me in the ribs and cackle,

telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that crap after

I started doing the same thing

to them at funerals.

 

[hensylee]

A man is alone in a wood, and he speaks - there is no woman to hear him - is he still wrong?

uh, yeah.

you see, there was this woman in the woods that day who was a b**ch. But she was a b**ch for just that one day.

 

[Bonzo Dog]

uh, yeah.

you see, there was this woman in the woods that day who was a b**ch. But she was a b**ch for just that one day.

Spoken like an Elder.


Actually, the guy in the woods didn't realise when he spoke he was standing next to Hazel and Holly.