Joke time

[lance]

The above caused me to laugh so hard I had to stop reading and calm down until the tears stopped coming and I could read some more.

 

[Lionheart]

UPS Airlines

Jim,
That was great, but I was laughing so hard and loud that the neighbors called the cops. Please send bail.
Crying with laughter,
John

 

[Bina]

John, we ain't bailin' you out yet.......LOL

 

[Bina]

Tom works hard at his job all week and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Wednesday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Tom! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Tom. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the first nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi ! Tommy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Tom's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Tom follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Tom tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Tom, you picked up a real b-tch this time."

 

[hensylee]

ONE NIGHT 4 UNIVERSITY STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK AS DIRTYAND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT.
THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.
THE DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE RE-TEST AFTER 3 DAYS. THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME. ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION THAT ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST.
THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. THE TEST CONSISTED OF 5 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS:



MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION



INSTRUCTIONS:
All questions are compulsory. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.

Q.1. Write down your name----- (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended----- (30 Marks)
Q.3. What type of a car burst a tyre. ------ (20 Marks)
Q.4. Which tyre burst ------- (28 marks)
Q.5. Who was driving---------- (20 marks)
END OF PAPER

 

[marie]

Patience of Gramps

Patience of Gramps

The Patience of Gramps

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly
behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious Gramps has his
hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies
in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal, and soda. Meanwhile Gramps
is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy Albert, we
won't be long, easy boy.'

Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's OK, Albert, just
a couple more minutes, and we'll be outta here, hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and
Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax
buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
Albert'.

Very impressed the woman goes up to Gramps as he's loading the kid and
the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, it's none of my
business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.
The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and
disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK.
Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'but I'm Albert -- the little bastard's
name is Johnny'.

 

[Bonzo Dog]

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.

 

[skeptic49]

Cannon Balls

Cannon Balls

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid with one ball on top resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations called a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently when the temperature dropped too far the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus it was quite literally cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time you thought that was a vulgar expression didn't you?

 

[Bonzo Dog]

.................................. And all this time you thought that was a vulgar expression didn't you?

No not at all being a). A depository of useless facts and b). A citizen of the world's premier seafaring nation; I already knew that.

 

[lance]

I had absolutely no idea .................

I had absolutely no idea .................

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid with one ball on top resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations called a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently when the temperature dropped too far the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus it was quite literally cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time you thought that was a vulgar expression didn't you?

where that expression originated. Cool.

 

[njean]

Good Morning All!

Good Morning All!

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your
sleep, Ralph..'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for.
Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and
that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking,
and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He
soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

Ralph! Wake up. You **** the bed!'

 

[skeptic49]

Norma - good one! LOL

Jim

 

[Dina]

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid with one ball on top resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations called a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently when the temperature dropped too far the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus it was quite literally cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time you thought that was a vulgar expression didn't you?

And some people believe history is monotonous and uncolorful

 

[Bonzo Dog]

Not a tell me a joke joke, but something that brings a broad grin to my face after countless views. Built by an ex pat American before you jump on the mad British bandwagon. Neighbours complained, the planning authority ruled it could stay. Bureaucracy with an anarchic sense of fun I like.

More shark info can be read here

 

[skeptic49]

Not a tell me a joke joke, but something that brings a broad grin to my face after countless views. Built by an ex pat American before you jump on the mad British bandwagon. Neighbours complained, the planning authority ruled it could stay. Bureaucracy with an anarchic sense of fun I like.

From the article on the shark:

Oxford City Council tried to get rid of the shark on the grounds that it was dangerous to the public, but engineers inspected the roof girders that had been specially installed to support it and pronounced the erection safe.

A safe erection, whew, that takes a load off my mind

Jim

 

[The English Patient]

Great joke Norma

 

[Bina]

I want a shark on my roof too.......what on earth would I put on the building permit??

 

[Dina]

Neighbours complained, the planning authority ruled it could stay.

Complained about what...whats the problem?

 

[hensylee]

I want a shark on my roof too.......what on earth would I put on the building permit??

I'll take a possum in honor of Bonnie............

 

[Bina]

Okay, a possum for you Ann, during the summer..... and I'll put a penguin up during the winter.