Joke time

[njean]

Some "blonde" jokes

Some "blonde" jokes

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'


RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'

She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

 

[Bina]

Good Stuff......keep 'em coming.

 

[njean]

Medical Jokes

Medical Jokes

A man came into the ER and yelled, 'My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I
noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

-- Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX


At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big
breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

-- Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

-- Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion,
she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband
was alive.'

-- Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR



I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this
morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to
see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

-- Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI


A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendici tis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the
grass.' Once the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

-- Submitted by RN, no name



As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling
softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me. I looked up
from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish
I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

-- Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can' t blame him!)

 

[skeptic49]

Norma, good stuff! Thanks for the early AM laughs.

Jim

 

[hensylee]

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef


1 large Roast of beef

1 small Roast of beef

Take the two roasts and put them both in the oven.

When the little one burns, the big one's done.

 

[Cooker]

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef


1 large Roast of beef

1 small Roast of beef

Take the two roasts and put them both in the oven.

When the little one burns, the big one's done.

Now that's funny

 

[Curtsmum]

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
they're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors and half the time don't work.

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
we cook - they eat, we clean - they dirty, we iron - they wrinkle.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
because not one will stop and ask directions.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
he buys two cases of beer insted of one.

 

[Cooker]

how are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors and half the time don't work.

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook - they eat, we clean - they dirty, we iron - they wrinkle.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask directions.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer insted of one.

funny funny

 

[Lisa in Katy]

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
he buys two cases of beer insted of one.

This sounds like my husband. He went out looking for a store that was open on Friday afternoon (even though we have plenty of non-perishables) and came back with crackers and a 6 pack. He said the only thing open was the liquor store, but I'm not sure how hard he looked! Others must have been in the same mindset because he said they were out of 12 packs!

 

[skeptic49]

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
because not one will stop and ask directions.

You know, I'm a guy, but this is so funny and so true and I don't understand it - why do we guys do this, me included? When I get lost I get angry. It's like I'm supposed to have some built-in GPS or something that isn't working. But ask for directions? Absolutely not, most of the time!

Jim

 

[Cooker]

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
So they then decided they'd both walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye

 

[njean]

I can't work today!

I can't work today!

and I can't respond to any emails either!
Something has crashed my computer!




View attachment 6269

 

[Ross]

and I can't respond to any emails either!
Something has crashed my computer!




View attachment 6269

I hate when that happens.

 

[Ross]

Admin cat is watching you!

 

[Ross]

Man what was DeSean Jackson smoking?

Man what was DeSean Jackson smoking?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPo4vKoPd8Y

 

[Bonzo Dog]

Lipstick


According to a local news report, a certain upmarket private school in Brighton was recently faced with a unique problem.


A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the toilets (bathroom to you guys). That was fine, but after the privileged, precocious little darlings put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.


Every night the school caretaker would remove the mess and the next day the girls would put them back.


Finally, the school head decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the caretaker.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).


To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the caretaker to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dunked it deep into a toilet, and furiously scrubbed the mirror with it.


Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


There are teachers... and then there are educators.

 

[Curtsmum]

Lipstick


According to a local news report, a certain upmarket private school in Brighton was recently faced with a unique problem.


A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the toilets (bathroom to you guys). That was fine, but after the privileged, precocious little darlings put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.


Every night the school caretaker would remove the mess and the next day the girls would put them back.


Finally, the school head decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the caretaker.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).


To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the caretaker to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dunked it deep into a toilet, and furiously scrubbed the mirror with it.


Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


There are teachers... and then there are educators.

Lmao thats is funny

 

[skeptic49]

Thursday AM Funny!

Thursday AM Funny!

UPS Airlines

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS '! pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minutedescen t
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P : Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[Ross]

I have a long time friend that is an American Airlines Mechanic. This sounds like the stuff he'd write as solutions.

 

[skeptic49]

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.