End Of My Rope

[2hartsas1]

victor pulled out of his 7 a.m. surgery time at 6 a.m. this morning.
i am sorry i took up everyones time and emotion. i am angry with him, and tired. we had the bast team of docs. everything was going good. i know in my own heart it would have been sucssesful.
i really am at the end of my rope with this. from a medical standpoint-he has less than a year left and it will be at very poor quality.
so i guess i get to sit around and watch that happen too.
~shirley

 

[Ross]

Shirley all you can do is lead the horse to the water, you can't force him to drink it. I do hope the Doctors are jumping all over him about it. I don't know what else to tell you. He obviously is not interested in helping himself whatsoever. Perhaps you shouldn't either. I know that's mean to say, but I think you've done more then enough.

Your not taking up our time or our emotions, so don't even think like that. I wish I had a huge board to knock his lights out with. He's being absolutely ridiculous.

The man has a death wish that appears will be granted soon. I'm so sorry that your chained to it. I think it's time for Tough Love Shirley to be born!

 

[Nancy]

Dear Victor-

You must be very afraid of this surgery. You know without it, you will not live long, right? Years ago, people with these kinds of conditions just died, there was nothing that could be done for them. Then in the 70s valve surgery developed and started saving lives immediately. My husband was one of the lucky ones then. He would surely have died, but in 1977, he had his first valve surgery. The mechanical valve that was implanted then is still in him and working.

In spite of your fears, this surgery is highly perfected. The surgeons who do it are absolute experts in what they do. Everything you have wrong inside your heart, they have no doubt seen before and can fix.

I know right now, you are probably being bombarded with emotions from all angles. I won't beat you up for being frightened.

But I would like to point out to you that as your valve disease continues to deteriorate, you will not be feeling well at all. You will be increasingly short of breath because your damaged heart just cannot keep up with your body's demands for bloodflow, and your lungs won't be able to supply enough oxygen. You may then become totally bedridden, and your body systems will start to fail. It is not a pleasant way to go. I've seen my husband approaching this circumstance a few times and it was very, very scary, for me to watch and for him as he could feel his body slipping little by little.

You have an opportunity here to turn this all around. You have the possibility of a long life ahead of you. You have a wife who loves you dearly. She has told us here that fact many times.

You have many friends here who are worrying about you, even though you don't know any of them. You'd be surprised at how many have been following your progress,and have been hoping that you would get the help that will save your life.

I know that you don't like medical stuff, and all of the fussing around that has to be done. It's true there will be some pain and some uncomfortableness involved. It's temporary though, and it is survivable.

If your heart condition could take your life without doing anything about it, why not give yourself the wonderful gift of life.

I am really hoping that you will rethink things and make the decision to go for it.

We love you Victor and we want you to live, for yourself, for your wife and for the rest of your family. You only come this way once, don't cut your life short. You never know how much you can accomplish in the future. You will HAVE a future if you decide to get your heart fixed up.

GO FOR IT, VICTOR, you're worth it!!

God Bless.

 

[Marge]

Shirley, I've been following this saga even though I haven't posted before in any of your threads. Just wanted you to know I really admire YOU.

What you are going through is tough. I have a friend who's had something of the same types of problems with her husband. He was supposed to have a CABG a couple of weeks ago & pulled out of the surgery a day or two before it was scheduled. She (my friend) is in despair. He says he is "feeling fine." The docs say he is a walking time bomb to have a major heart attack any time.

I hope Victor reads Nancy's eloquent and thorough comments. If he does, and isn't convinced, I don't know what could persuade him.

As for you, Shirley, Ross is right -- you cannot forever carry the responsibility.

Both of you have my prayers. Take care.

 

[Les]

Victor,
Been there twice and thankful to still be here. Easy and painless? Hell no...but what, that's worth anything in life is? Listen to your heart...she is sitting right next to you. Wishing you the best..

 

[xtremlee]

Hey Im 10 days post op. If he has a-fib tell him its worth the surgery just to get rid of that monster. I had a valve and a maze which Im sure is what they were going to do to him. Easy no Worth it Sure.

 

[2hartsas1]

Thank You All

Thank You All

just wanted to stop and say thank you. each of you. i appreciate each one of your thoughts. everything was so perfect this time. he had everyone here cheering him on, people from my hepatitis 'home' by the gazillions praying for him, people-FRIENDS (the kind you spell "f-a-m-i-l-y") whom he never even met in houston, TOOK OFF WORK TODAY to come and pray with me and be there, not just for me but for HIM as well!!!! all of his genetic family was there at the hospital.....from out of town.......
everyone-so many pulling for him.....to me, it seems a sad sad state.
we have all tried, docs too, to explain to him what his decision is going to offer him.....he just cant see past it. he is truly making fear based decisions.....leaves me to wonder where his faith is.
i have completely forgotten to take care of myself for a week now and i am in bad shape because of it. at one point i was having to be wheeled around the hospital because i could no longer stand up. i have come close to being hospitalized myself this week and honestly, as much as i love my sweet victor....i have to start thinking of myself.
i will continue to come here (and i will make sure victor reads his posts-thank you all so very very much) and read and i may post sometimes, but will mostly try to stay out of the way. but i will keep everyone current on his situation-however it goes from here.
you have all been so wonderful and i guess i just want to say thank you all-again.
much love and appreciation,
~shirley

 

[Glenda]

Shirley my heart goes out for you. Just between you and me, men are so hard headed. My husband is the same way. He'll wait until something really gets bad before he will do anything about it. Tell Victor he will not get better on his own. Now I'm speaking from experience. In the very near future I have to have a AVR. The cardio wanted to do it last year and I put it off because I really didn't feel that bad. Now I have CML (chronic myeloid leukemia) along with diabetes and my counts have gone up once more so now I have to wait until they go down before I can have the surgery. If I would have had it done last summer when the cardio wanted to do it, I would be over the mountain and on the way to recovery.

I sincerely believe that God won't help us if we won't help ourselves. So tell Victor to not wait until it's too late. You need him, his family needs him. These wonderful people on this site need him and want to see the best for him.

Remember to take care of yourself too. I'll remember you and Victor in my prayers everyday.

 

[suz]

Gosh, Shirley, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. As a family member of a heart patient (with a successful VR at 75) I can just feel the stress and despair. I thought I was going to really loose it when my Dad was opposed to getting a second opinion. He didn't want any question marks when it came to the surgery. I couldn't and still can't understand that mindset, but what I did do was look into the doc who was to do the surgery's credentials and was happy to find that he was well qualified. I went through many weeks of being beside myself with worry and concern.

Others here have offered some excellent input. I guess my advice to you would be to focus on your own health right now. I know first hand that you can't be clear minded and be a help to others if you don't take care of number one.

My heart goes out to you. Perhaps Victor needs to get involved in a heart patient support group to gain the confidence to move forward with this surgery.

My dad, at 75, has had many active, world travelling, enjoying life years behind him but he has many, many ahead too, thanks to the marvels of modern medicine.

I did alot of research prior to my Dad's surgery and found lots of articles that indicated the benefits of a positive mental attitude going into surgery. Perhaps this should be the focus, at this point, to get Victory back on track. Here is a wonderful link to the subject of guided imagery which Nancy shared with me some months ago, which allows the patient to take a proactive, positive with a level of control, approach to surgery,

http://www.guidedimageryinc.com/guided.html

best,
suz

 

[Nancy]

Shirley-

I have one more thing to say and then I'll shut up.

Victor-

I would hate to think you died a silly cowardly death. People would say afterwards, "you know, Victor could have lived a long life, but he was so afraid, he just became emotionally paralyzed. He could have helped himself, but couldn't"

Get the darned surgery done, get it over with, move on with your life. Live a HERO. You will have enjoyment of life in your future, you will have the love of family and friends. Do what you have to do to get over this hump, get some medication, talk to a shrink, whatever works.

 

[dawnwit15]

hang in

hang in

Shirley
I'm in tears right now reading your post. I truly think that Victor has let fear completely take over at this point. Please tell him we were all terrified prior to surgery. I almost did the walk out too but I stuck it out, not for myself but for my family. You are in my prayers. All you can do at this point is continue to love him.
Victor
I know how scared you are. I'm not going to lie, I was terrified too. Please realize, the surgery is over before you know it. Do you really want to risk your life by not having surgery. If not for yourself please do it for Shirley, she loves you dearly and will be there to support you through recovery. Don't be afraid to get some counseling to help cope with your fears. I did it, and I'm so happy I did. There is nothing to be ashamed of. There is so much to live for, please reconsider and re-schedule your surgery.
Dawnwit15

 

[tommy]

Victor,

Face your fear head on. Do what needs to be done despite the fear. What is the worst that could happen?

 

[Karlynn]

Shirley,
I feel so badly for you. I remember so many times hearing my Mom tell my Dad that he needed to remember that he wasn't just living for himself and that when he made bad choices it wasn't just himself he was hurting. (My Dad had Type 2 diabetes with many major complications, as well as heart disease. He just refused to watch what he ate.)

You need to take care of yourself. Victor has made his decision (which if he's not a coward, he will change.) but do not let that decision take you down too. You are YOUNG! Life is to be lived to the fullest and appreciated in big and small ways.

You both will be in my prayers.

 

[hensylee]

my early a.m. post went awry so I will post again:

Shirley - I figured 3rd time was the charm - wrong..........You are just going to have to follow this road on to the end and that looks like where it's going doesn't it. You are suffering, I guess you feel (unnecessarily) embarrassed; bet you are ANGRY as you know what, and I bet you see no way out. We understand where others might not. He is so scared or he'd go through with it. The only way it is going to happen at this point is when he finally goes to the ER, is unconscious, and a family member can make the decision while he's 'out'. With every delay, Victor becomes more panicked and I don't believe he will ever consent again. So, Shirley, you are carrying this load all by yourself, but you have dozens of us who are walking along with you and we are here to listen when you need to unload for awhile. Please remember that when you feel down....Love Ann

 

[Bryan B]

Shirley,

My heart goes out to you!!! I am a recovering alcoholic (14 yrs), and until I decided that I wanted to help myself it didn't matter what my loved ones or anyone else said to convince me to stop. I guess it's kind of the same for Victor.

Victor,

I hope you stop being selfish (others love you and want you to live) and get over your fears before it's too late and the damage to your heart is beyond repair.

Good luck to both of you!

 

[RCB]

I beg to differ

I beg to differ

Last time I looked, a sane adult person has a constitutional right to make a medical decision about ones own life, even
if spouse thinks it's wrong. Nobody here know the demons
in this person's mind. Shirley, it is a tough thing to do, but try to understand him. As for the rest of this forum that wants to belittle this poor soul by name calling, I see it as despicable and not very helpful. Only by understanding his fears, perhaps by a professional,will he change his mind- but the decision is his. I doubt he will be cowed by people here, making hasty remarks about his character- I hope we are better then that here! I for one, would be willing to listen and affirm this man.

 

[2hartsas1]

Dear Everyone

Dear Everyone

as i post this, victor is out on the patio, smoking his pipe.
i dont think there is much else to say to that sort of behavior.
demons RCB? yes, there are many. i know it and he knows it. but to have so very little belief in SOMETHING, ANYTHING, so as to let onesself self destruct.....i'm sorry, but i can't get my mind wrapped around that.
his choice is to sit here and die. i am terminally ill and WISH there was something they could do to HELP me!!!!!!
i am just going to love him and try ot enjoy whatever time is left....i dont know what else to do anyway......
~shirley

 

[RCB]

Professional help!

Professional help!

You need it- get it by calling your local social services.

 

[perimeno]

Maybe he doesn't want to be alone. Maybe he feels badly that there is no fix for you and he feels selfish having the operation. Well, it's just a thought. How do I know. It was my brother who had AVR. And I kept telling him not to worry, etc., because I was thinking of the positive statistics. I wanted a healthy brother and he was only getting much worse. But let me tell you, if it was me I would have been sooo scared. But maybe if I was feeling just so bad already I could have gone through with it. But, then I might have said well, better to have 5 more months for sure than to die on the operating table. However the operation is usually a success, especially if there are no other medical problems so it is worth it, I think, to take that risk. A few more months when every day you feel worse is not worth it. I just hope Victor is able to accept where he is right now. He must be feeling awful, caught in a trap. And I am sorry to hear of your health Shirley, and all that you are going through on behalf of another. Very stressful.
Peri

 

[Bryan B]

RCB,

I totally agree that a person has a right to decline medical help. I also have a right to tell him what I think of that decision (and how that decision affects his family) on this forum.

I look back and know that not chickening out of having the surgery despite my fears is one of the greatest accomplishments in my life so far. I'm willing to bet Victor would feel the same way if he faced his fears and went through with this surgery.