End Of My Rope

[Nancy]

Where is the passion, where is the fight, where is the "kick death in the shins spirit" that allows us all to keep on battling with severe disease? Has everyone given up on Victor?

It may be that he has lost the will to live. It may be that he's tired and feels very ill. It may be that he's frightened. It may be that in his illness, he is making decisions which he wouldn't ordinarily have made.

This is a young man. This is a man whose doctors have told him that he needs to have this surgery. This is a man who was told that without this surgery he would not survive. This is a man whose life might be saved by surgery. He has a FIXABLE problem.

This is a man with a wife who loves him to pieces and will be devastated if he passes away.

I am hoping that Victor hated my post. I am hoping that it made him furious. I am hoping that he thinks I'm a super PIA. I could care less about what he thinks about me.

Victor's life is worth developing a passion for.

I am hoping that it was a wake-up call. I am hoping my words made an impact. I do care very much about Victor and Shirley.

He's had a long, long battle. He's not getting any better. The Lord knows how much time he has left. Maybe he will lose the opportunity to have an option.

It would make me very upset if that were to happen, when Victor was thinking he had lots of time left.

If it is not Victor's choice to go ahead with surgery, so be it. Nothing I have said would make any impact in that case.

But maybe, just maybe, he will mull over what I have said and it might sway him, just a little.

I hope so Victor. I care. I want you to live. You do not have to die. You have a surgeon who thought he could save your life. Please don't go out without at least trying. You have a swing at the bat available. Why not see if you could score a homerun?

 

[2hartsas1]

Nancy

Nancy

God bless you honey. i hardly know what to say after that.
honestly, i think victor has given up. i think he is tired.
you're right......i will be devastated if i lose him.
i have tried everything i know nancy, to get him moving on this. and now...there is really nothing left for me to do but accept his decision....even though it sucks......
he is a young man and he even behaves as a young person....
i wish things were different.....but i am honestly just what this thread says....at the end of my rope.
i'm having victor do some catch up reading here now.....
nancy thank you so much. i sure can feel you in your post.

just one more thing,......one more time.....to EVERYONE:
you guys are keeping me and victor both in such good spirits. having family here, the kind of strongly convicted and loving family you all are.....is helping us both more than you can know......thi sis the one place i (we) can come and know that we are understood and loved.
thank you all.
love from,
~shirley & victor

 

[Granbonny]

Hi Shirley

Hi Shirley

Rather than reading thru all your old threads you started and posts..Give us a shory story about Victor again..I know he drove a cab. Does he still drive a cab? I know he is over-weight..Has he lost any lbs??? When was he diagnosed with heart problems..Years ago, months? What are his symptoms? SOB, swelling any where? and not getting too personal..Family problems? We know it's not you.. Does Victor have children grandchildren...Just came home with my age 11 again for the weekend. Dreading school will be out May 21..He goes to his Mom's in N.C. and then to resorts towns in Mexico for 3 weeks..and since I have had him for every single birthday. July 10th. I want him to spend this year with his other family in N.C...Get to know his cousins, has a little 1/2 sister age 6..His other Grandmother loves him as much as I do..and we are all good friends. I will give him up for 2 months If Victor has Grandchildren that would make himwant to stick around. John is age 73 and ADORES Kameron. John the 4th.. They are both fishing as we speak. Last weekend, Kameron caught a 5 lb. bass. Papa took a picture..it is posted on P.O. board and so many Guys have told him..Saw the picture of your Grandson. He struts like an old Banny Hen. (Papa John) We are always here for you both.. Bonnie

 

[2hartsas1]

Debora

Debora

thank you so much honey....will do
~shirley & victor

 

[2hartsas1]

Heeerrrrreeeesssssss Victor!!!!!

Heeerrrrreeeesssssss Victor!!!!!

ok, well, untill i figure out how to get victor his own handle here....he is going to use mine.....
god bless us everyone........
ladies and gentlemen.......
heeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeessssssss Victor!!!!!!!

 

[Nancy]

Hey-Victor-

Is this really you, the man himself????

Do tell us a little about yourself. We've only heard from your better half.

 

[Granbonny]

Hi Victor

Hi Victor

Glad you are going to type a little. Don't worry. We don't BITE. Bonnie

 

[Rain]

Mr. Victor.... for real?!

Mr. Victor.... for real?!

Hey Victor!! How ya doin?!

I really hope you feel the positive vibes that we are all sending to you. I want you to know that I think I know how impossible it feels at this point to get your life in order. But Victor, it?s worth the effort. Start with baby steps and let us hold your hand.

Hey Victor!! How about you and Shirley coming to our reunion in CO this October?!! That?s something to look forward to!! I just know you'd absolutely love it!!

 

[Debrinha GT]

Go for it Victor

Go for it Victor

Hello Victor, you must've read all my posts by now but there's one more thing I forgot to say. Brazil is a third world country and health is not a priviledge for all. Every day here, people of all ages die in the queue for the public health services because they cannot afford private health insurance. Bu for you in the USA this is not the question. In your country, you have access to top quality health care and your life is worth something. Don't throw away this chance that so many Brazilians would so gladly accept. And besides, think of those who wait too long and end up dying over something they could have resolved at an earlier stage. This is not your case. You have a chance now, and a very good one. Everything is risky in life, but you have a chance that God has given you! Fight for what you can. We want you to pull through and save your chance of the gift of life. My father died of a non-related heart problem in 1988 after having tried everything possible to stay alive. Have you ever heard of Lou Gehrig's disease? It's a killer and believe me, it is an excrutiating death! Victor please, go for your operation. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

 

[2hartsas1]

To All From Victor

To All From Victor

Uh-oh, Goofy(Victor) is here!
Someone on the thread asked for a short bio. Here goes:
Juvenile delinquent thief from a bad neighborhood.
High school drop-out(failed the 11th grade).
U.S. Marine Corps(1962-66).
GED recipient. College graduate-Lamar University(1971) in top 10% of
class. Post-graduate at Sam Houston State U. with a 3.5 GPA on a 4-
point and completion of all courses(did not finish thesis).
*All college work completed while working full-time as a police officer
in a city of 100,000+ and as a deputy sheriff in a county of 50,000+.
Twice honored for acts of heroism saving lives(so much for being a
coward).
Taught cops how to be cops and criminal justice at collegiate level.
Taught private security/investigation.
Taught antiterrorism at 1988 Olympics in Seoul,Korea, for NBC TV.
Predicted terror attack upon United States as early as 1989 and was
ridiculed by the Houston Chronicle as trying to train private security
as "Super Cops". Was labeled by my industry as Chicken Little yelling,
"The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"
By the way, the sky fell on 9/11. And, it is going to continue to fall, because we are in no way prepared for what is coming.
Now, when I do work, I am very happy to be a cab driver, even though I was shot in the chest on October 17, 1992, and was supposed to
have died then. Oh, and I was spiritually saved on April 4, 1992.
Nearly three years ago, I found Shirley. I love her with all my heart-
even the bad valve that appears to be "the connecting thread".
*Shirley did not tell you, I had a heart murmur when I was born in 1944.
Heart specialists told my mother at the time I would outgrow it and I did,becoming very athletic, a Marine, a cop and all the other without any detectable murmur. Then, in 1979, I became overweight and the murmur returned.
A trip to the VA in North Chicago resulted in two weeks' testing, including a catheter. No surgery at that time.
Condition worsened over time to the point where we are today. Now I sustain with Coumadin, Metapropol Tartrate, et al.
Had an A-fib attack two years ago requiring hospitalization for 1 week. It restarted on own, even though we were getting ready to shock it back to normal(Shirley witnessed the power of prayer and the use of the Bible-
five minutes before "they" were supposed to wheel me away for the shocking. Get that? Five minutes! I was willing to go through the shocking. Did not have any reservations, "gut instincts" or intuition. All I did was pick up the Bible, pray and trust in my faith/belief. It worked.
True, last year the doctors in Cardio wanted to cut; but my mother was dying from a long-term illness and I did not feel it was the right time for her, for me, or my family. She died (9/30/03).
This time, I was scheduled for a consultation about upcoming heart surgery at the VA here in Houston on the afternoon of 4/5/04. I evidently
had a strong "anxiety attack" that morning, requiring transport by ambulance to the local hospital ER. About eight hours later, a doctor gave me Demerol and Phenagan. I reacted to the Phenagan and went over the edge into the abyss. I was "gone" for 36 hours- 24 of them on my own.
The doctor told Shirley "he might not come back- he might be this way the rest of his life". I do not remember ANY of that- until I came back naturally on Wednesday, April 7th.
I was transferred to the VA, where I languished in preparation for heart surgery scheduled for 4/12/04. On 4/10/04 my team of doctors came into the room and said,"Oh, by the way. In addition to stopping your heart for 4 1/2 hours while we install this here mechanical valve, we would also like to do an ablation(first time in all that time the topic came up)."
Shirley and I had been under the impression that the A-fib of two years before had returned to normal. The doctors assured us that was not the case- I'd been A-fib all along. Hmm! Why didn't anybody say something before?
They explained the ablation would only take an additional 20 minutes and would involve "frying" a small portion of my heart, in addition to the valve replacement. I had to sign a release for the valve replacement AND a
release for the ablation. Get it? Two separate releases.
Sunday, 4/11/04, my "anesthesologist" came into the room and proved the disadvantages of outsourcing. She had trouble speaking English and/or
communicating with me comfortably. Don't forget my lack of a memorable
experience with the Phenagan. She asked,"Are you allergic to anything?"
Excuse me, wait a minute. This was my anestheologist? The one who would be knocking me out before my surgery? Is there something wrong with this picture?
I mulled over all of that too.
Then, in addition to being on a "no salt" diet all week, instructions were
given for "Nothing by Mouth" after Midnight. Even on "Death Row", the condemned are allowed a last meal of their choice, but here "no salt" and
Nothing by Mouth after 12.
At 6 AM on the following day, I shut everything down. I did not feel good about it. My intuition was strong. My gut feeling was phenomenal!

Well folks, I'll tell you something. On my calendar, since the 12th, I've written a L- for every day I have been alive since. We are now getting ready to write L-11(I wait until midnight).
I have lived a full and complete life to this point. I get to "high-five"
whoever is at whichever gate I go through after the Grim Reaper comes and say,"The life I lived was ReaLLLY Great; but please, don't make me do it again!.
I have not had a stroke. I have not had a heart attack. I am alive and I am still here for Shirley.
I made my choice.
God Bless You All,
Remember Jesus Christ, Our Lord & Savior
And Walk in The Holy Spirit
Victor

 

[Karlynn]

Victor,
I am a woman of faith myself. I am a director of music at a church and make a conscious effort to grow spiritually every day. October 24, 1991 at the age of 32, God granted me a second life with my valve replacement. I have to be honest and say that you may have given up on you, but God hasn't. God didn't gift the people who replace defective valves, and heal hearts into a normal rhythm in order to have someone turn that gift down who can obviously benefit from it. Have you stopped to pray on whether you are following God's plan for your life, or whether you are following your plan for your life? If Jesus had followed his own plan for his life - we would not have life eternal (Father take this cup from me) Jesus did not want the cross, but he knew that the cross was in God's plan for him. He knew what was going to happen. He knew it would be horribly excruciating, he was fully human in begging God to change God's mind. But in the end, he followed God's path and now look at the lives that are saved. Had Jesus chickened out and left the Garden that night - he could have lived to a ripe old age, he probably would have even felt some relief and piece to know he wasn't going to go through the pain. That would have been the end of it...for all of us. Don't mistake any sense of relief you feel as being a sign that you made the right decision. God never promised life would be easy, He just promised it would be worth it.

I'm having a hard time understanding why someone who has obviously lived the life of a hero, won't save himself - or to be more correct - let God save him through the gift He's given others. Go back to your Garden - choose the way God has planned for you. For as our Christ suffering bore great gifts, so will yours. I've read archeological coroners' accounts on just how Christ suffered and died, and believe me - your pain will pale in comparison.

This may sound harsh, and it will be the last I have to say on this - you may be happy and relieved at your decision - but I'm pretty sure that God isn't.

Praying for you.

 

[2hartsas1]

Quick Note From Shirley

Quick Note From Shirley

i wont interrupt but a sec, and then tomorrow victor will be back.
the more i think on this....i am wondering.....victor, if you had felt comfortable with the docs from the very start...i.e., had we had a team outside the va, say maybe at methodist, would you have not felt much less afraid? although i was 100+% confident in our team and everything about the whole operation....you were not.
had you been....would you have had the operation?
~me

 

[Debrinha GT]

think twice

think twice

Hello Victor, you sure have lived a pretty exciting life up to now! It has reminded me of these programmes you see on TV and I really admire you for the things you've done. My brother Victor, named after my grandfather, is a chief of police in the state of Santa Catarina here in the South of Brazil. It's risky work but he gets a very good wage. Well, friend, you must've worked out by now that we've grown to like you and Shirley a lot and If we're still insisting on you having the operation despite your efforts to convince us to lose hope, is because we do believe you can make you. I can imagine how traumatic you experience must've been and the negative feelings it has caused you but please, weigh the pros and cons and you'll realize the are more advantages than disadvantages in going for it, and the sooner the better. If necessary, get a second opinion, change doctors, whatever, but at least give it some thought. Since you're not feeling that bad at the moment, you're under the illusion that you can go forever like this, but Victor, it's not as simple as that and the picture may change overnight! As I've told you in my last post, my step father which was a real father to me, died of Lou Gehrig's disease and my mum has been fighting against Myastenia Gravis for years!{I don't remember how to spell it in English}. Why don't you take a couple of hours to read all the posts over again and just maybe, you'll come across something that will make you change your mind while you're still a candidate for surgery. Say hello to Shirley for me.

 

[Glenda]

Victor, what an interesting post about yourself. You sound like a really neat guy! A wonderful Christian man. A wonderful husband to Shirley. You're way too young to give up, and look at everything that you have been through, this would be a piece of cake. Remember the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Victor you can change this. You can take control. That's what I'm going to do myself in about a month. Granted I have a lot of strikes going against me going into this surgery. Besides being way overweight. I'm a diabetic and I have chronic myeloid leukemia. I have had two serious cancer surgeries within the last three years. I am a survivor! But I also have complete faith in God and I know that He is still in control of this situation. I will win regardless of what happens. I know the end of the story. Let me leave you with this and I pray that this will bless you as it blessed me.

Hello God,
I called tonight to talk a little while
I need a friend who'll listen to my anxiety and trial.
You see, I can't quite make it through a day just on my own . . .
I need your love to guide me, So I'll never feel alone.
I want to ask you please to keep My family safe and sound.
Come and fill their lives with confidence for whatever fate they're bound.
Give me faith, dear God, to face each hour throughout the day,
And not to worry over things I can't change in any way.
I thank you God for being home and listening to my call,
For giving me such good advice when I stumble and fall.
Your number, God, is the only one that answers every time,
I never get a busy signal, never had to pay a dime.
So thank you, God, for listening to my troubles and my sorrow.
Good night, God, I love You too, And I'll call again tomorrow!

Victor God is there for you always, even when you think everyone esle has betrayed you and left you. He never does! And we are here for you and Shirley too!

 

[medtronic of borg]

Idea

Idea

Hey Victory,
Instead of all of us chiming in again and beating a dead horse...I challenge you to convince me you have thought it completely through. Let the rest of us shut the &^*( up and listen to what he has to say. I am not going to jump on an opportunity to nail my beliefs onto your feet as others on here are doing. Just write to us so we can understand.

Med

 

[Karlynn]

Just happened to think of this old joke today - that I think is very appropriate here. I love this joke because I think it portrays how God works through people and how God speaks through people.

Rain was falling down in torrents in a town. They began broadcasting over the radio that the citizens should leave because the levy was about to break and the town would be flooded. The sheriff pulls up in his squad, just outside the church when he sees the pastor standing on the steps looking up at the sky. He tells the pastor "Pastor, why don't you come with me? The town is about to flood and I can get you out safely." The pastor replies "No thank you son. I have faith that my God will save me." So the sheriff drives on.

The rain continues to fall, the levy breaks and water comes rushing through. The pastor makes his way up to the roof of the church. Just then a few men come by in a boat. "Pastor, jump in, we don't know how much longer we'll be able to fight the current and make these trips to get people." The pastor replies "No thank you my sons. I have faith that my God will save me." The men in the boat shake their heads and leave to rescue those who are willing.

The rain continues to fall and the waters rise. The pastor climbs up to the steeple of the church and is just able to grasp on to it as the water rushes by on all sides of him. A helicopter comes along and a rope is dropped down. The pilot yells through a bull horn "Pastor! GRAB A HOLD OF THE ROPE, WE'LL PULL YOU TO SAFETY!" The pastors yells over the sound of the rushing water "NO THANK YOU. I HAVE FAITH THAT MY GOD WILL SAVE ME." So the helicopter, not want to risk crashing into the torrential waters, leaves.

The rains continue, the waters rise and the pastor is swept away in the current and drowns. When he gets to heaven he quickly searches to find God. When he does, he says to God "God, I had faith in you! I thought you would save me, but you let me die!" And God says to the pastor

"I sent you a sheriff, a boat and a helicopter. What more did you want?"

Victor - please take the helicopter ride. The view is incredible.

 

[Raverlaw]

Karlynn,

I've heard that one several times before. It is so appropriate to Victor's situation, though; thanks for reminding us.

Often it can be hard to know exactly what God's plan is. But having experienced the *miracle* of valve replacement surgery, a miracle that didn't even exist when my bicuspid valve was first diagnosed as a child, I think I can say with some confidence that God gave a few chosen people the talent and skill to perform this operation in order to save people like you, me and Victor. Victor needs the operation-God put skilled surgeons here to do it. What else is there to know? How can it be God's plan for Victor to refuse surgery and die an early death?

Victor- are you listening? Or maybe you will follow Anna's tongue-in-cheek theory-- "If you can't serve as a shining example to others, at least serve as a horrible warning" Don't be the warning ...

 

[Ross]

Victor since you were into instructing in law enforcement, does the name T.R. McClanahan ring a bell to you?

 

[Debrinha GT]

admirable people

admirable people

To Glenda and Joe{Nancy's husband} The two of you are such admirable people because no matter what you have to face, you still manage to keep a positive atitude and encourage others. Congratulations!

Karlynn, what great words you've just posted! I think everybody should read through them very carefully and see how important it is to pay good attention to what God tries to tell us. His message might not always get to us the way we would like it to, but he never forgets to answer to our prayers. I'll even make a copy of these such wise words and translate them into Portuguese so that my family and friends can take a look.

 

[MelissaM]

I haven't chimed into this post, but have been reading this with interest and was very happy to read Victor's side of the story (for every story has two sides). My intuition has saved my hide more than once - literally kept me from death. So. . .Victor. . .if your intuition was telling you STOP. . .then I believe its a darn good thing you listened to it. I believe that the spirit speaks to us in many ways, one of which is through our intutuion. Who knows what the "stop" feeling meant? Could have been the surgeon had a hangover that day. . .or someone on the team was distracted. . .or one of a million things. But the bottom line was you were tuned into the spiritual radar that rules our world and you listened to it.

Good for you.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to make an unpopular decision. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to listen to your gut. Your life story demonstrates your strength of character - you've pulled yourself up from hard times and learned to trust yourself and your judgement. Your judgement is what has gotten you this far in life - keep listening to it.

I trust that you have made the choices that are right for YOU (like valve choice, this is a totally personal decision) and will continue to make the choices that are right for you and for Shirley. If surgery is right for you, God Bless and we will be right behind you. If you decide that surgery isn't in your plans, it is my hope that we will be right beside you as well. I have walked by too many people through life and through death (both in my own family and as a hospice volunteer) to be judgemental about your decision, and hope we on this forum can realize that ultimately this is your decision and support you in whatever decision you make.

God Speed,

Melissa