Joke time

[Bina]

When a senior citizen forgets their eye glasses ...


Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?
You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You silly, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not
getting any easier.

 

[njean]

When a senior citizen forgets their eye glasses ...


Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts?
You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You silly, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!
I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not
getting any easier.

Bina, that's hysterical!

 

[Greg a]

A must see

A must see

 

[Greg a]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed

appendix.



The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.



Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.



Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three

wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off

easily, if at all.



Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

'Get well soon, from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over

last week.

 

[Sarah_Louise]

Hahahahaha lmao Greg, love it xx

 

[Luckyguy17]

How is Norma?

How is Norma?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room
number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that
room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have
good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood
pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
News."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me
****."

 

[Greg a]

SO THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS ARE (AGAIN) NOT HAVING A STELLAR SEASON RESULTING IN THE FOLLOWING


THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS




What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common?
A: They both look good until they hit the ice.

What's the difference between the
Toronto Maple Leafs and a cigarette vending machine?
A: The vending machine has Players!

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common?
A: They both get totally confused when surrounded by ice.

Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like Canada Post?
A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver!

Why doesn't Hamilton have an NHL team?
A: Because then Toronto would want one....

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Argonauts and the Toronto Blue Jays all have in common besides being based in Toronto ?
A. None of them can play hockey.

What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs?

A. The Toronto Maple Leafs.

How do you keep the Toronto Maple Leafs out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal net.

What do you call a
Toronto Maple Leaf with a Stanley Cup ring?
A. A thief.

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and possums have in common?

A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How many
Toronto Maple Leafs does it take to win a Stanley Cup?
A. Nobody knows ... And we may never find out.

The Guy & The Bartender

This guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey game here? My cable is out, and my dog and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, dogs wouldn't be allowed in my bar, but it's not very busy right now, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have to ask you to leave."

The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon, the Leafs manage to score a goal and the excited dog jumps up on the bar, barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives him a high-five.

The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do when they win a game ?"

The guys answers, "No Idea, I've only had him for 3 years."


The last time the Maple Leafs won the
Stanley Cup most of their fans were in diapers.
Coincidentally, the next time they win it those same fans will be back in diapers again!

 

[Greg a]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"

​

 

[Cris N]

Good one... probably true too!

 

[Cooker]

A real groaner:rolleyes2:


Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!

'Ain't dat grand!!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, .....it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40!!!

 

[Dennis S]

Lawyers are more often the butt of jokes than the source of jokes, so this is a little unusual. I just finished a long article in the New York Times about many of their problems dealing with the Wiki Leaks founder. Apparently the following was a real Christmas Card sent out by one of Wiki Leaks lawyers:


While Assange mused darkly in his exile, one of his lawyers sent out a mock Christmas card that suggested at least someone on the WikiLeaks team was not lacking a sense of the absurd.

The message:

“Dear kids,

Santa is Mum & Dad.

Love,

WikiLeaks.”

 

[Bina]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.The doctor
comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you
probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
but your ***** was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in
insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build
a new *****. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly
$1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must
decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been
married for over thirty years and this is something you should
discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a
nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher
before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might
be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you
make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your
wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a
decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the
doctor.


"We're getting granite counter tops."

 

[Greg a]

SMART *** ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight..
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART *** ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART *** ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


SMART *** ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART *** ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

 

[Sarah_Louise]

Hahahahaha Greg! Loved them :') xxx

 

[Duffey]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in
Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the
rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally
grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go
in that field over there," as he points out the
location.
The DEA
officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I
have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes
his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am
allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.
No questions asked or answers given. Have
I made myself clear? Do you understand?
"
The rancher
nods
politely, apologizes, and goes
about his
chores.
A short time later, the old
rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer
running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa
Gertrudis
bull......



With every step
the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it
seems likely that he'll get gored before he
reaches safety. The officer is clearly
terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to
the fence and yells at the top of his
lungs.....
" Your Badge! Show him your
BADGE!"

 

[Greg a]

Subject: British humor

You have to love British humour!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little *******..
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got
married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't
have a headache and *** at the same time?"
​

 

[Greg a]

​

 

[Greg a]

A Norman Rockwell moment

A Norman Rockwell moment

I dont think Norman Rockwell could have captured it better
THE MOMENT YOU KNOW TO STOP DRIVING

​

 

[Davros]

On the seafront in Blackpool yesterday, I saw a man and woman shouting at each other. 
The woman then hit the man over the head and they started fighting. 
Then a policeman turned up, but instead of trying to calm things down, he hit the guy with his baton! 
In the end, the guy gets the baton off the copper and starts hitting him AND the woman! 




Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages.

 

[Bina]

Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife Mary and I
went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a "*******" . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a "total jerk". He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.