Joke time

[Cooker]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle
and came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+ Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."

 

[njean]

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes only for each other.

So they finally got married, and had a little sweet
Potato, which they called 'Yam.'

And of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts
of life.

They warned her about going
out and getting half-baked,
so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and
get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
end up with a bunch of tater tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get
her in the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

So off she went to Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland
and greasy guys from France called the French fries.
And when she went out West, to
watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped..

Yam said she would stay on the straight and
narrow and wouldn't associate with
Those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones
from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all
the trucks that say,'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, Yam came home one day
nd announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't
possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?

OK! Here it is!

Tom Brokaw is a
COMMONTATER!!!

 

[njean]

A good laugh for people over 50!!! And some....

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I
check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

 

[Freddie]

Funny Canadian Joke (pardon the language)

Oh Canada
A little boy wanted $100.00
very badly and prayed for
weeks, but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a
letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received
the letter to God , CANADA, they
decided to send it to the Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister was so amused
that he instructed his secretary to
send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The Prime Minister thought this would
appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the
$5.00 bill and sat down to write a
thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for
sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through
OTTAWA, CAN and those ********
deducted $95.00 in taxes.

 

[Bina]

The older married couple is sitting on the couch watching TV again.

Husband has the remote and is endlessly switching channels.....click, click, click.
..... back and forth between a fishing show and the **** channel.

His wife finally gets fed up and yells,
"For crying out loud, would you just leave it on the **** channel. You already know how to fish !!!"

 

[Greg a]

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk,I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A *** CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS​

 

[Bina]

You laid on my naked body and

applied your mouth to me without guilt or humiliation.

You drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Today when I awoke, you were gone.

I searched for you but to no avail.

Only the sheets bore last night's events.

My body still bears marks of your ravishing,

making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake,

waiting for you,

you fricking mosquito!!! :tongue2:

 

[Greg a]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS????

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'



`MORAL:`



Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
​

​

​

 

[Greg a]

 

[piglet]

AND YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD A BAD DAY?
There goes my job as a Walmart greeter ... My 1 day employment.



So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter (a good find for many retirees) I lasted less than a day.



About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”



The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?”



So I replied,



“I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.



My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

​

LMFAO I guess I shouldn't apply as a Walmart greeter either. THAT'S AWESOME!!

 

[Greg a]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know ****?"

And then she went back to reading her book.​

 

[Cooker]

LITTLE GIRL ON AN AIRPLANE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said,
"Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

“Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why
there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know s&%@ ?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

 

[Freddie]

Absolutely perfect Cooker.
It may be a joke, but there's a lot of truth behind it.

 

[Superbob]

Blonde Joke (I Love Blondes!)

Blonde Joke (I Love Blondes!)

The Porch

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a ‘handy-woman’ and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

‘Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my
porch,’ he said. ‘How much will you charge me?’

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, ‘How about $50?’

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, ‘Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?’

He responded, ‘That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?’

The wife replied, ‘You’re right…. I guess I’m starting to Believe all those dumb blonde jokes.

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

‘You’re finished already?’ the startled husband asked.

‘Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.’
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

‘And by the way,’ the blonde added, ‘it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus."

 

[Bina]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.


On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She sighed. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

 

[PairoDocs]

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish, a Pod of whales, a Pride of lions, and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Murder of crows (as well as their Corvid cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves, and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive, and some of the least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?????

Believe it or not.....

a Congress, which pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington.

Hope you enjoy.

 

[Greg a]

Some Punny Stuff

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walked into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and said, "A beer, please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
Doctor: "That sounds like it might be the Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient: "Is that common?"
Doctor: "Well, it's not unusual."

8. Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy said to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true! No bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at, either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know. I just amputated your arms."

13. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swam into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the hotel's manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked as they moved off. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named 'Ahmal.' The other went to a family in Spain and was named 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responded, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, resulting in an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. That made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf who was a mystic escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. A guy sent ten different puns to his friend in the hope that at least one of the puns would make his friend laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

[Greg a]

What do you call a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps

What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A wash and wear wolf

What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by its circumference?
Pumpkin Pi

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.

 

[Bina]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on
beds next to each other, waiting outside the operating Room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was


four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and
ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done
when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year.

 

[Greg a]

A newlywed couple are about to have *** for the first time. The bride says to her new husband, "Please, be gentle, I am still a virgin."

The husband is shocked, "How is that possible? This is your fourth marriage!"

"I know," she replies, "it's odd. But my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was to look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was to talk about it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...Oh, how I do miss him!"