Joke time

[Greg a]

THIS IS A COMBO JOKE IN TWO PARTS

PART ONE​

Important Women's Health Issue:

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity, and or pregnancy
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

.
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>>>>>
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>>>>>>>>
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

PART TWO​

[video=youtube;Nj2700em-JQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nj2700em-JQ&feature=player_embedded#![/video]

 

[Greg a]

It may be a royal wedding

It may be a royal wedding

IT MAY BE A ROYAL WEDDING BUT
SOMEBODY HAS TO PAY THE BILLS

:biggrin2:​

 

[Sarah_Louise]

Hahahahahaha brilliant!! xxx

 

[Bina]

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

.........Not a lot of people know this.

 

[Greg a]

So they say the oprah show in australia is bigger than a royal visit

So they say the oprah show in australia is bigger than a royal visit

SO THEY SAY THE OPRAH SHOW IN AUSTRALIA IS BIGGER THAN A ROYAL VISIT

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/8176790/oprah-guests-begin-arriving-in-australia​

STOP THE PRESSES

THIS JUST IN

ORPRAH CLAIMS THE THRONE

FASHIONISTAS SAY THE NEW LOOK IS BETTER FOR HER

AS THE OLD GOLD LOOK WAS "TIRED"

​

 

[Greg a]

Helpful old guts

Helpful old guts

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big ****s, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.
:biggrin2:

 

[Bina]

Golf Course Therapy:

Golf Course Therapy:

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her

ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at

his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.



The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve

your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.



'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his

hands there at his groin.



At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently

took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments

And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken..."

 

[Freddie]

LMAO - That's a good one Bina (wink - wink) LOL

 

[Bina]

LMAO - That's a good one Bina (wink - wink) LOL

hee hee.....hubby enjoyed it too. Thanks.

 

[Greg a]

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

.........Not a lot of people know this.

THIS NEEDS A VISUAL

​

 

[Bina]

Greg, this is the best that I could do:

 

[Sarah_Louise]

Hahaha Bina, love it XD xxx

 

[Greg a]

A Blonde in Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation,
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.
The preacher continued,
"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

[Greg a]

Seniors

Seniors

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you:

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again

GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

 

[Greg a]

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted
by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates
that 23%of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the
remaining 77% are caused by ******** who just drink coffee, carbonated
drinks, juices, milk, water, and **** like that. Therefore, beware of those
who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This
message is sent by someone who cares about your well being.

Merry Christmas

 

[Bina]

Another Christmas joke; try not to groan.

Another Christmas joke; try not to groan.

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
.
.
.
.

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

 

[Greg a]

PSA (public service announcement)

PSA (public service announcement)

PSA (public service announcement)​

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.


If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

 

[Bina]

A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep,

The wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.


The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles,

And he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's' testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.


The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.


The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again,

Grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.



The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.


He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!

 

[Luckyguy17]

Confessional

Confessional

A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

 

[JUST-WAITING]

MEDICAL JOKE- Why do they give out Viagra at the retirement center?


To keep the gentlemen from rolling out of bed.