I've spent hundreds of hours working phones for the suicide hotline,
@pellicle. I hope you'll read this post with care, as I've tried to craft it carefully.
There have been times when I wanted to tell callers to toughen up, to stop whining, or more generously, to be courageous. I have become exasperated with repeat callers' whining and inability to help themselves. What I have learned is that what I am feeling is a reflection of that person's own disgust with themselves. Depression is rage turned inward, as a famous therapist from television once said.
What a lot of people don't get when they tell a depressed person to "lighten up" and "get tougher" (which I know is a reductive version of what you're saying) is that of course it's
occurred to the depressive that they ought to have a better attitude. They know they ought to have more strength - they wish they were braver too!
By telling someone to toughen up, you're only increasing their shame. You're reminding them of shame they already feel: shame which they are reluctant to share because they are so afraid of it. I'd also guarantee you're telling them a version of what they've heard before: from friends, family, and other cultural baggage. Your response, which is
change your attitude, is something they've heard 1000 times before.
Contrary to popular opinion, what they haven't gotten much if, for the most part, is unconditional empathy. You might think that in the 21st century everyone has gotten endless validation and constant love and been encouraged to feel whatever they want to feel, and while that's true in some cases and can breed a sort of narcissism, in most cases people respond as you have. With either disdain, contempt, sanctimony, or passing empathy that is then smothered in advice. What the depressive needs is validation, genuine concern, and encouragement to come up with a solution for themselves! You would be astonished how quickly a person can come around to a more hopeful perspective if you just allow them the space to air out their frustration and let them know that you are there to help them solve their own problems. It
is possible to offer someone validation and support to better themselves without resorting to coddling or tough love.
All I'm trying to say is there's gentler ways of making the point you wanted to make, and that to someone who is struggling with feelings of hopelessness, your post would likely come off as condescending and hostile. I don't say that lightly, or to insult you. I'm deeply ambivalent about how to best help other people in crisis, to be honest. At the end of the day, I believe it's up to each individual to decide how they will view life. If someone decides it isn't worth it to go on living, that breaks my heart, but I respect that choice.
But I can tell you one thing for certain: if you want someone who is depressed to keep talking to you, the best way to do that at first is to listen and validate their feelings, even if you don't agree with them. If on the other hand, you want them to disappear and never talk to you again, the best way to do *that* is to tell them how crummy their attitude is, or to give them advice they've almost certainly heard some form of before.
I hope you understand I'm coming at this from a place of the utmost respect, and as someone who cares deeply about this work. I hope you can read this in the spirit with which it's intended: with love and with trust of a generous reading of my intentions.
