Cancelled my surgery at last minute, I'm an emotional wreck

[ChouDoufu]

ok, quit putting it off. just do it.
reschedule, order meds if necessary. get it done.

and don't cancel again. remember, there are other people waiting for surgery.
it really screws up everyone's scheduling, especially if you only give them
a few hours notice.

 

[hensylee]

I believe in your current state of mind, we need to be kind and supportive of your feelings. You are not the first one to drop out of line. I recall one other vr member some years ago. his wife was the poster and told us he did not want to go through with the surgery and members urged that he could lose his life if he didn't. well, he came in and told us he was afraid and was not going to do it. no amount of urging changed his mind. we don't know what happened after that.

You will stay with us here in VR and read more. Eventually, you may change your mind. Chances are great that you will not leave your family and when you have the surgery, as you probably will sometime, you 3will open your eyes afterward, there they will be with tears in their eyes with thankfulness. You just need more preparation - you will get to it. nearly everyone is scared and some are in terror. Blessins........

 

[Braveheart]

At the moment I feel like a bloody fool, I feel I let my family down and myself down.

I am assymptomatic and feel fine but it would have been such a relief to get this surgery out of the way.

I realise have huge emtional and psychological issues to overcome.

I was just so scared of never waking up and seeng my family again.

First of all you are NOT, I repeat, NOT a fool, and have not let anyone down. Heart surgery is not an easy thing to contemplate. I think that it is important for you to learn more about what is going to happen, and develop some emotional comfort with the entire procedure.

Since you are asymptomatic, apparently the surgery is not an emergency now. IMO you need the time to get yourself ready for what may be the biggest "adventure" of your life.

You might want to see a therapist, and talk out your concerns. Or, perhaps just ventilating here will be sufficient to raise your comfort level.

Bottom line, this was just the wrong time for you to have the surgery. When the right time comes, you will go into the procedure confidently.

 

[catwoman]

I believe in your current state of mind, we need to be kind and supportive of your feelings. You are not the first one to drop out of line. I recall one other vr member some years ago. his wife was the poster and told us he did not want to go through with the surgery and members urged that he could lose his life if he didn't. well, he came in and told us he was afraid and was not going to do it. no amount of urging changed his mind. we don't know what happened after that.

You will stay with us here in VR and read more. Eventually, you may change your mind. Chances are great that you will not leave your family and when you have the surgery, as you probably will sometime, you 3will open your eyes afterward, there they will be with tears in their eyes with thankfulness. You just need more preparation - you will get to it. nearly everyone is scared and some are in terror. Blessins........

Ann:
I agree.
And I remember that member who decided not to go through with his surgery. I have always wondered his outcome... I'm sure there have been several others like him.

All of us here should remember to be supportive of those facing surgery and to acknowledge their feelings without beating them over the head. A few of us were in the waiting room for years; others were in recovery before they really knew what was going on.
We can't march to someone's home, grab them by the hand and lead them to the OR. But we can (hopefully) gently encourage them to take that step toward extending their lifespan by taking that leap of faith into the OR.

 

[Bridgette]

It would certainly be the normal procedure in the UK for people undergoing surgery to be admitted the day before unless it is 'day surgery' so quite possibly the it is the same for Ireland.

It is standard practice here (NZ) too for the patient to be admitted the day before surgery - usually you get told to be there by a certain time (in my case it was before 4pm) so that you can meet with the anaethetist surgeon etc and have any last minute tests you might need.
I'm sure it would be the same in Ireland.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today Ged.

 

[bit of a chicken]

Hey Gerard.. I feel for you.I think any surgery is a tough call, very frightening, u can always wonder at the statistics, hope u are not the unlucky number, the thing is you will be an unlucky statistic if you don't. I can relate to your fear. I can remember facing my first c section and thinking I could understand why young teenage girls run away to empty fields to give birth... But you will feel so much better with it behind you. Look at it as one small step taking you closer to it being behind you rather than one big episode. Perhaps your mind will deal with it better that way? I will say, just for humour, you will probably get lots of morphine,and actually , it is quite nice ?!! Every cloud has a silver lining .. no ? Don't give yourself a hard time over something you cannot change. Just make sure you go for it next time, life is not long enough ...

 

[Pegasus]

Sorry it didn't work out for you this time!
My husband, who had a mitral valve repair, was also asymptomatic. A very loud murmur was heard at a routine check-up and from meeting with cardio and echo to surgeon only two weeks passed. At this point my husband just wanted to get it over with. In the surgeon's office, surgeon said that it looks like a repair and my husband just would have to do an angiogram to make sure there are no blocked arteries. My husband had reseigned himself to valve surgery but possible bypass surgery freaked him a little . His surgeon was not only one of the best, he was also really sweet. He just told my husband: "You know, you can always change your mind until we wheel you in the operating room". This broke the ice and got us all laughing and it was really nice of the surgeon to give back control to the patient. Thankfully, his arteries were clear and he 'only' needed a repair and he was able to keep his positive mind-set.

He was supposed to be admitted the night before but because of emergency there was no room available and they told him since he is so healthy otherwise, just be in by 7 a.m. We got up at 5:30 and he drove himself. He had an 'easy' surgery, not only because of the surgeon's skill but also because it was caught early, there was no damage done to the heart and he was in good health otherwise. This helped a lot!

The odds are in your favour! Try to learn meditation, deep yoga breathing which is calming, take meds if you need to, get help from a professional if you need to and get it over with as soon as you can. 2nd try is the lucky charm
Best wishes

 

[Praline]

We are so lucky!!!!!!!

We are so lucky!!!!!!!

After surviving Katrina without losing our house, I found out I still had my job!!! I got busy taking care of things I missed during this crazy time. I had the yearly physical I had missed. I tell my Primary Care Physician that is the day I got OLD! LOL I found out I needed OHS. No one could have been more scared!!! Go back and read my posts from back then.

BUT a few months later, I was recuperating from OHS and my husband got diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung cancer. Only then did I realize how lucky I was that what was wrong with me was fixable. Eight months later, he was gone.This past March 19 was 2nd anniversary of his death.

I can understand the panic about OHS... I went through it! People here carried me. I am sure they remember. But valve problems , for the most part, are fixable. Please take advantage of it.

 

[fabyan64]

Gerard,

I know exactly how you feel, but I'm in a bit of a different boat. Two weeks ago doctors discovered an aortic aneurysm in the ascending and arch of my aorta, along with a leaky St. Jude valve I got in 1991. The doctor recommended in Chicago was not covered by my insurance provider. I called Houston and was able to make a quick appt. with Gerald Lawrie, and I was scheduled to have surgery this past Wednesday. However, just before my cath (which actually was quite pleasant) they had to stop because nobody had checked my INR (was 2.0). Lawrie came to my room and told me that my aneurysm is more complicated that what he originally thought, and he is now recommending Dr. Joseph Coselli. Okay, after the cath at Methodist, I'm discharged and waiting to check into St. Luke's Episcopal on Monday, with surgery scheduled for Tuesday. This will be my 3rd surgery. Yes, I'm scared, but I feel very confident about the whole thing. The worst part about it all is having you chest cracked. If it's time to go, it's time to go. I don't see it happening. I wish you all the very best of luck and hope you gather your confidence to go through with the surgery. Just remember, it's okay to be afraid of the unknown, but it's gonna be okay. Regards, Roderick

 

[Ged1975]

Thank you all for replying, I have read every message in detail and appreciate all your comments. I didn't have the courage to log onto VR yesterday as I knew I would become emotional reading your comments but now having a day to reflect I am in a better frame of mind to soak up all your comments.

I know some of you think that cancelling the operation was a selfish act on my part and not fair for my family and for others on the waiting list. I can't even begin to explain the remorse I'm feeling inside.

I was gripped by fear the other day, that fear has now been replaced by regret as I knew it would. I can't stop thinking that if I had of gone ahead with the surgery how happy and relieved I'd be feeling now in hospital knowing that everything was behind me. But I wasn't able to make that leap.

On a postive note I am starting to look at the other day as something of a stepping stone, I'm sure some of you are raising your eyebrows to this statement. Throughout my life it's always taking me a couple of attempts to overcome any challenges, for example starting a new job, going to the dentist, public speaking. Okay I know surgery is not comparable. Even my first CT scan was cancelled because I had a panic attack, I was sedated the second time and that got me through it.

I'm telling myself that the fact that I came so close to having the operation shows that I do really want to have it.

I was attending the hospital phyciatrist over the last few months and he has been notified about my cancellation. I will work on this, if it means taking more anti-anxiety medication I will do it. I will also seek the help of a counselor.

Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply to my post.

 

[Ross]

Gerard please don't take some of these posts as a beating over the head. Sure, some feel like they are, but in all honesty they are only trying to get you to realize that lack of action is going to be the cause of you not seeing your family again. Lack of action has killed more then one person on this forum.

I kid you not, I was scared crapless for both of mine. The first, I was told I had a 5% chance of making it. I looked at the Doc and said, "Yeah, well I have a 0% chance if you don't do something." On my second, I postponed it 2 times, once because I had gotten sick and then it was so close to my youngest sons graduation that I wanted to go to it before surgery. Good thing I did too, I ended up in the hospital for 60 days.

What I'm trying to say in a big round about way is, perhaps this just wasn't supposed to be your date. Maybe the next will be the one. Perhaps there weren't enough Pygmies in the rainforest, maybe the stars weren't lined up correctly, who knows, but something told you to put a stop to it and that's what happened. All any of us are seriously concerned about is that you get fixed. Lack of action kills far more people then taking action does. Fear cannot kill you, lack of action can. Hope your reading this the way it's mean't to be and not as a beating over the head or you have issues or anything like that. It's not meant to be that way.

 

[Marguerite53]

Gerard. Thank you so much for opening up to us like you have. The fact that you have a psychiatrist at the hospital working with you is very important. I'm sure he/she is counseling you, also? And that would enable the hospital to make whatever considerations they need to make to get you rescheduled. You are in their care. That was very wise and anticipatory on your part. Good job!

I actually do understand the "stepping stone" concept for you! It is so good that you recognize this and see it as a positive. Just because many of us here seem to have the emotions/hormones/psyche to overcome our fear of this, doesn't mean that everyone can. We are all made up differently. There is most certainly, something very special about you that we simply don't know about you, that none of us would be able to accomplish as readily, as beautifully, or as completely as you do. Every one of us has our ounce of genius and clarity.... but all of us are different. Yours just has nothing to do with open heart surgery!!

My thoughts are respectful. I hope you are understanding that.

See how many people have answered you here?? We know these feelings. You are welcome to express them here. Please feel comfortable coming back again and again. We all want to help you succeed.

Best wishes.

Marguerite

 

[hensylee]

Thank you all for replying, I have read every message in detail and appreciate all your comments. I didn't have the courage to log onto VR yesterday as I knew I would become emotional reading your comments but now having a day to reflect I am in a better frame of mind to soak up all your comments.

I know some of you think that cancelling the operation was a selfish act on my part and not fair for my family and for others on the waiting list. I can't even begin to explain the remorse I'm feeling inside.

I was gripped by fear the other day, that fear has now been replaced by regret as I knew it would. I can't stop thinking that if I had of gone ahead with the surgery how happy and relieved I'd be feeling now in hospital knowing that everything was behind me. But I wasn't able to make that leap.

On a postive note I am starting to look at the other day as something of a stepping stone, I'm sure some of you are raising your eyebrows to this statement. Throughout my life it's always taking me a couple of attempts to overcome any challenges, for example starting a new job, going to the dentist, public speaking. Okay I know surgery is not comparable. Even my first CT scan was cancelled because I had a panic attack, I was sedated the second time and that got me through it.

I'm telling myself that the fact that I came so close to having the operation shows that I do really want to have it.

I was attending the hospital phyciatrist over the last few months and he has been notified about my cancellation. I will work on this, if it means taking more anti-anxiety medication I will do it. I will also seek the help of a counselor.

Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply to my post.

and so your next step is now taken. we will be there for every one you take until you are over the mountain and on safe ground again. Blessins......

 

[westie]

more time

more time

.
whats done is done, right or wrong we all make decisions and then have to move forward to the next decision.

maybe the 2 days notice of surgery was not long enough for you to get ready for it and the drama of condensing everything into such a short time span magnified everything and ended up pushing you over the top.

perhaps you could now persuade the hospital to give a you firm booking say 2months out so you have time to adjust and simply get used to the idea you will have surgery that date and time.

i had an exact date and time 3 months in advance; never was i happy about the deal but the length of time blurred the matter somewhat and i got used to the idea.

and you are irish, so stop at the pub on the way to the hospital and have a really good drink and meal; i did and i can say i walking in the hospital door happy! and the nurses told me that it was not uncommon for heart op patienst to arrive after having had a few drinks.

 

[Ged1975]

.
and you are irish, so stop at the pub on the way to the hospital and have a really good drink and meal; i did and i can say i walking in the hospital door happy! and the nurses told me that it was not uncommon for heart op patienst to arrive after having had a few drinks.

Yes I am Irish but I don't drink alcohol at all. Tea is my drink

Thanks for your comments, perhaps 1 days advance warning was too short.

 

[kfay]

Ged, I know this is very hard for you. You have posted several other times about dealing with your anxiety. I really think you need to try and come up with a plan with both your surgeon and pshychiatrist that can get you through this. For example, if it makes it harder knowing in advance, perhaps your family can make all the arrangements without letting you know until the last possible moment, or, if it helps you feel more in control, you take care of it all. Also, I know it isn't standard protocol there for you to show up the morning of surgery, but it is pretty standard here in the states. If it would help you to not have to be in the hospital the night before, perhaps they can bend the rules for you.

I obviously don't know what it will take to get you through that door, but I think it is important for you to talk to all parties involved honestly and work something out. From one worrier to another, I can honestly tell you that you will be amazed after everything is said and done how much time and energy you have spent worrying over it. You will feel such relief. Don't look back with regret now, just push forward and try to get this taken care of.

Kim

 

[Bridgette]

Another quick thought I had Ged was this: maybe the hospital can put you in touch with someone who has had this surgery, whom you could have a good face to face talk with and help allay some of your anxiety...sort of like a mentor?

 

[Bina]

Ged, I'm glad to see you around here today.....a couple of posts on this thread sounded a bit harsh to me and I was concerned.
I suffer from anxiety and understand what you are feeling.....it's not fun.
After I delayed my surgery for months and months my family was probably more stressed than I was.
You have had a "test run" and now you will be ready to go. Okay? okay.
Best wishes to you. Try to make peace with your reality.

 

[abbanabba]

On a postive note I am starting to look at the other day as something of a stepping stone... Throughout my life it's always taking me a couple of attempts to overcome any challenges, for example starting a new job, going to the dentist, public speaking.

I'm glad you can see this as a positive step and I hope this is something you can face again in the very near future. Just remember how you faced your fears and went through those other things. Believe in yourself - you've done it before you can do it again!!

Wishing you the best,


A : )

 

[Dina]

I had severe Tricuspid regurg for many(15) years before my surgery.My
PCPs and cardios told me I didn't need it immediately since I was asympto.
like you are now.I felt fine but also knew of the strain that was being put on
my heart.So I kept all cardio appt's and 'watched' it Finally I begin
becoming symptomatic and now my cardios are telling me "you need it NOW
or you will die". How did we go from you are fine to dying? Deep inside I
knew the docs were wrong,knew it and allowed it for the sake of being able
to justify procrastination on my surgery. I finally got OHS and while it saved
my life, it did not salvage my heart. It had worked too hard for too many years.
I'm only 42, and post op I can only climb stairs at a snail's pace,get
SOB with exertion,and have difficulties with certain daily activities.
I just don't want this to happen to you.
I think what helped me was having faith in my surgeon and his team. I also,
as someone else mentioned,was not really scared,I think I must have suppressed it,
or I was just in shock and numb thru it all. You may have to draw upon unknown reserves..
but they are there if you look or call upon them.I wish you the very best-Dina