Cancelled my surgery at last minute, I'm an emotional wreck

[pamela]

The hospital postponed my AVR1 three times before it came to pass and VR2 was delayed at the OR doors, not once, but twice! So, this is normal, I think. Whether patient or hospital cause delay, that's all it is. You know you'll go through with the surgery as soon as you begin to realize how ill you are. Why not visit some of the symptom threads here on VR and honestly assess what's going on with your body. I'll bet that you are symptomatic, just without realizing your signs as symptoms.

Some of the more subtle characteristics:

1. blue fingernail beds and cold hands and feet,
2. muscle tiredness when you work with your hands above your head,
3. a need for deep breaths (not like being out of breath just an occassional extra deep inhalation) and
4. the sound of rushing in your ears...

Maybe other folks have more they'd like to add as far as indications of valve disease that a healthy person may not perceive as a sign or symptom.

 

[EireCara]

Hi, dont beat yourself up, let it go. Who knows, perhaps there was a reason this wasnt the right time for you. Best wishes.

 

[Bridgette]

Can't add anything more to all the advice you've been given above - except for one thing.
Just an idea - next time you go in for your surgery what about having a loved one stay the whole night beforehand with you? Maybe your Mum/Dad? I'm sure the hospital would allow it in a special case like yours where you have serious anxiety issues.....that way, if you are awake in the night feeling totally wrecked, at least you have a family member right at hand to support you.

 

[lilteach3234]

Gerard,
I think we have all felt the way you felt/are feeling. It is only natural to be scared. I was probably one of the most fearful individuals on here waiting for my surgery. Try to find someone to talk to, work on getting the courage up, and know there's many of us on here that have felt the same, but we are on the other side of the mountain now. Don't take too much time, because you want to get you heart taken care of asap. Please know that you are in alot of our prayers. Don't let fear overtake you.

 

[Marguerite53]

Oh.... it is SO HARD to say good-bye to your loved ones before this surgery. My heart (all of our hearts!!!) go out to you. Truly.

Lots of wonderful things have been said, so you must know that your reaction is not something to be ashamed of.

I like Bridgette's idea about having someone stay the night with you. I don't think it's too much to ask of them at all, so please look into that.

I also think you really do need some professional guidance as to how to deal with your overwhelming emotions. They are certainly not unfounded emotions... we have all had them!! But you need some coaching as to how to better deal with them. That's really all it's about. Some professional guidance as to how to cope with what wells up in you and takes control. You could just as well be a soccer player or a musician and need someone who just understands things just a wee bit better and can guide you. Sure, the drugs are helpful, but apparently, not helpful enough.

Do not feel bad about yourself. As Eire-Cara said -- perhaps it really was not your time for surgery!!!

But don't delay too long. This is something that you need to accomplish.

Best wishes.

Marguerite

 

[sue943]

I am afraid that I am going to be brutally honest here. Presumably since you have a state health system in Ireland they wouldn't have given you a surgery date unless it was necessary for surgery NOW. I knew a couple of people who refused the necessary cardiac surgery at the last minute, alas I know them no longer, no one does as they both died. One of them said she was terrified of not waking up after surgery, if she had had the surgery she would be alive now, with surgery they would both almost certainly be alive now.

Please seek the support that you need to get through this surgery and let us hope they can find you another slot quickly.

 

[Tbone]

It's no joke you let alot of people down, it hurts, and there is a chance that something could happen. There are however many people on this sight who have had multiple surgeries so that they could continue to be with thier family.

This is something that you have to work through. You have your family, and friends at VR who will offer posative support for you. I hope that you can work this out without driving yourself crazy. I know that I have been close to going crazy myself several times with worry. I wish the best of luck to you, and will keep you in my prayers.

Good Luck, and God Bless

 

[Lisa in Katy]

I don't think that going into the hospital a few days early is beneficial at all! It gives you too much time to think about it with nothing to keep you busy. You will get through this. I had 22 years to prepare for my surgery, can't say that I was petrified (sorry Ross!), but I was nervous. My surgery was on a Tuesday, I went to work on Monday. If I'd had to sit around and wait in a hospital room, I might have done the same thing.

 

[hall]

Don't be upset with yourself. As others have said, best to be in a good frame of mind. We were all scared! When your ready, we will be here rootin for ya!

 

[Montrealer]

I had two cancellations in the same week. Both caused by emergencies. First time they kept me in the Hospital for two days to hopefuly slide me in . Didn`t happen. The second time I was sent home and was put on ice for a week. No fun I tell ya.

 

[Bridgette]

I don't think that going into the hospital a few days early is beneficial at all! It gives you too much time to think about it with nothing to keep you busy. You will get through this. I had 22 years to prepare for my surgery, can't say that I was petrified (sorry Ross!), but I was nervous. My surgery was on a Tuesday, I went to work on Monday. If I'd had to sit around and wait in a hospital room, I might have done the same thing.

I think he went in the night before, not a few days before, that's how I read it anyway....maybe he will post again and enlighten us.

If you are still reading this thread Ged, I hope you can get the help you obviously need, and that the hospital can find you another date pretty soon.

Good luck.

 

[Andrew J]

Grerard,
6 months before I had my yearly visit with my cardiologist I could feel something was wrong with my heart but I still waited the six months to see him because I knew he would tell me what we all fear. When I did see him, I was in hospital 2 weeks later getting my new Aortic Valve Replacement. I had the same feelings as you regarding family. My wife and I were going through a separation at the same time and I've got 2 boys so it wasn't good timing.
God looked out for me, I feel a lot better. My family (my 2 boys) live with me.
Hope this helps cause it helped me.

" God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference."

 

[Montrealer]

Hang in there......had mine cancelled twice in the same week.....I know what your going through. I wish I knew about this place back then. You`re better off already being a member here for support.

 

[ponytaila1a]

Did others here spend the night before surgery in the hospital? I do not think that is the plan in my case. I too believe if someone whould have stayed the night before with you things may have been different. Too much time alone to think. I don't even want to be there alone the night AFTER the surgery. Trying to see if my husband can stay. We are praying that this works out and you get another date and are able to work through your emotions. Keep posting.

 

[sue943]

It would certainly be the normal procedure in the UK for people undergoing surgery to be admitted the day before unless it is 'day surgery' so quite possibly the it is the same for Ireland.

 

[DeWayne]

Having been through heart surgery twice in my life, once when I was 5 and then 47 years later at the age of 52 all I can say is grow up. You waited for 2 months for something you obviously need, something that will save your life and you get cold feet?
Have some faith like the thousand and thousands of people who have this surgery every year do. Yes you screwed up, yes you let youself down and your family. Time to understand there might not be a tomorrow to wake up to if you don't have the surgery.

Sorry I can't sugar coat such actions. I joked about heading to Florida, but I never actually considered not having my surgery. If Barbara Bush at her age can go through this so can you. Everyone on this site is a testament to the success of heart surgery.

It is all about faith, faith in your doctors, faith in what ever being you think put you on this planet. Time to take the bull by the horns and get this part behind you.

 

[sue943]

I never actually considered canceling my surgery, I knew it was required & without it life would be dramatically shortened. I am serious about this & it may sound goofy but I really didn't have any fear about going into surgery & not waking up. I figured if it happened it would be painless & I would never know. I was completely at peace with that for some odd reason.

Actually I know exactly what you mean, sorry Ross, I was not in the slightest bit afraid and I am not lying. Having a stroke was 'a bally nuisance' then being told that I had a heart infection was even more of a nuisance. I just wanted to get the surgery over and done with so that I could get back to work. When I went to the UK to have my angiogram and was told that I would have the next urgent slot I was really quite annoyed that they didn't just keep me in and get on with it. I had my daughter's wedding to attend and didn't want to miss it for being in hospital. That I missed it anyway was just my luck.

If I needed further OHS I wouldn't be afraid either, I would rather die having OHS than die for not having it. The odds are stacked far higher for dying without than dying having it, without it early death is a certainty.

 

[BackDoc]

I wasn't going to reply until I read a few of the most recent posts, especially DeWayne. It's time to "cowboy" up and get your butt in the saddle. You have just let all those around you and who care about you down. This attitude reeks of "it's all about you".

I can't sugar my feelings either. Thousands have gone before you, from young children to senior citizens, and they didn't need to
"medicate" themselves just so they could take the trip to the hospital.

Many people, myself included spent the night before in the hospital. I drove myself to the hospital at 5:00am the day before, with my wife asleep in the car.

Either you want to live a full life or you don't. But stop feeling sorry for yourself and making your family miserable in the process.

There is a line from a poem that I read many years ago. To this day I carry this line around with me;

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.
D. H. Lawrence
English novelist (1885 - 1930)

It's time to stop worry about "what if..", and start visualizing where you want to be afterwards.

 

[WayneGM]

Don't beat yourself up. What's done is done and you can't look back. Look forward. I'm pretty sure that deep down you know you need this surgery. If you are worried about never seeing your family again consider what could happen if you don't have the surgery and your heart suffers permanent damage. Ultimately it's your decision, but if it were me (and it was) I'd get it done sooner rather than later. Yes there is some uncertainty with the surgery, but the outcome of not having it is a lot more certain and it's not likely a good outcome. I was asympotomic, too, but the consequences of not having the surgery weighed more heavily on my mind than having it. Now that I've done it, I have absolutely no regrets. Best wishes and good luck.

BTW, I didn't say "goodbye" to my family before my surgery. I said "see you later".

 

[BackDoc]

Wayne, you are absolutely right--I also told my family that I would see them in a few hours.