I'm being a moody cow

[Allisoninoz]

Ok, surgery is 18 days' away. I'm being a moody cow all the time. Husband doesn't know when or how to talk to me or not because I'm as likely to smile and laugh as I am to bite his head off. I want sympathy and empathy - but then I feel horrible for being so self-centred. I'm already on a mild anti-anxiety and don't want anything heavier. Do others feel like this?

 

[JimL]

One thought, which is in my mind the main purpose for this site: Most people don't understand what valve surgery is all about. That leads to a disconnect between the patient and the rest of society: No one understands what I'm going through. But the people here get it, because so many have been through it.

 

[AgilityDog]

You're normal. My husband BEGGED me to get some xanax as soon as they said "surgery" this past summer, but I put it off until the day I had a melt down at the office and boss#2 gave me 1/2 a valium.

I had been a witch after my first surgery, which was near-emergency, and even though we KNEW the second was down the road somewhere, I still needed a little chemical help when they actually started scheduling it.

The last month is the worst of the wait, so you are right on schedule. Vent here, we get it. Take your drugs, and just apologize in advance to your friends and family. This is tough stuff you are facing. Not to be too graphic (they're gonna Do WHAT????), but the visions going through your head can be scary, and the worries about afterwards, and, and, and.

 

[dmeehan]

Me too! Ha! Let's moo together! My valve surgery is on March 1st and I'm also afraid that I'm being a moody cow. I think it's okay. I think our significant others understand that we are in a very difficult time and I think mostly they just don't know what to say. Let's put ourselves in their shoes. They don't know whether it's better to be chipper and try to keep the mood up, or to empathize and give sympathy and run the risk of cultivating the overwhelming emotions. I think the best thing you and I and the others on here who have surgery coming up can do is be honest with them. Tell them we're being moody cows and ask them to bear with us.

 

[dmeehan]

AgilityDog hit it right on the nose!

 

[Lionheart]

Hey Allison,
Yep, been there, done that. Those days leading up to surgery were sort of surreal to me. I had a lot of things on my mind and wasn't sure what to say or share with those that were close to me. But, I suggest that you let your hubby know how you feel. Tell him what you told us. He too is probably having a tough time trying to figure out all this heart stuff and I think it is even harder on the spouse or loved ones.

Take care,
John

 

[epstns]

Allison - I guess I'm right there with you. I just had my (bilateral) cath yesterday. I freely admitted to anyone who would listen (wife, close friend, hospital staff, cardio, etc.) that I was having more anxiety over the cath than I have about surgery so far. Had a slight emotional setback yesterday when we found that although my valve isn't as bad as we thought (still needs replacing, though) and my aorta seems fine, I will need one bypass while I'm on the table. Thought I might skate on that one. So. . . I've been up and down moody and goofy since we came home last evening. I'm going to give it some time, as I've been able to manage all of the stresses so far - I thought. My wife tells me that I've been ratty the past month, and now that I think about it, she is right. So, I'll try to control it and if I can't, I'll call my cardio and ask for help.

Better living through chemistry, they say!

 

[drivetopless]

Mooooooooooooooo

Mooooooooooooooo

I'm 3 weeks post op and still a moody cow. You are allowed. It's scary. But, it is great to be on this side of the surgery. Good luck.

 

[Marcia58]

Allison,

Moooooove over and let me join the club! Looking back, it appears to me that no matter what anyone said in the days before surgery, it was the wrong thing.

• Medical team was too blase' about such a major surgery.
• Husband was making too big a deal.
• Complained to my therapist that friends were acting like I should just take it all in stride.
• Complained to my husband that friends were all over-reacting.

Hang in there--this too shall pass!

Marcia

 

[mmc1607]

You're entitled to be moody, so don't worry about it. For a couple of days, I was alternatively angry, apprehensive, anxious, sad, impatient and, amazingly, a little excited (to get it over with). My family doctor (who is a good friend) immediately offered Xanax, but I declined since I wanted to feel like I was in control of things. But if it helps you, I wouldn't hesitate to take it.

In the end, what sustained me was all of the research I had done that confirmed the safety of the procedure and the better outcome that awaited me "on the other side". Better health, less anxiety for me and my wife and kids, a comfort concerning my ability to lead an active life (I'm a runner who always knew my wife worried when I went out for a long one or ran in a race), and a general feeling of gratitude that my condition was treatable (even "fixable"). All of that made me feel better and, more importantly, helped me relax. In the end, my outcome has been fantastic (I'm running my first long distance race since December 2009 surgery, a half marathon, in May) and I'm grateful every day for everyone who made it possible. Betting you'll feel the same soon but, in the meantime, being moody is just a part of the gig. Enjoy it while you can.

 

[Greg a]

My family tells me that Christmas 2007 was the worst EVER for them do to my sometimes volitile moods ....I knew I was alive BUT I had been through so much with all the operations, almost a half year in hospital and the knowledge that without my sternum I could never return to the type of work I had loved so much .....well it took the birth of my grand daughter in August 2008 for me to give up the pity party and GET ON WITH IT or as Nike says JUST DO IT is my current mantra

 

[buncle]

As we go through lifes experiences we arent prepared for such a mind bending surgery that many of us know is coming in years or months in advance.It is that "time" that makes it so much harder to deal with and our emotions get, rightfully so, out of whack. Before my ohs I could tell a friend of mine was under rating the mental part of it.I said "You always said you would do anything for me. So I said why dont you take my place?" She said "Ok rant all you want I understand." What your feeling is normal.So "Rant on".

 

[Mentu]

For each of you who are waiting and feeling "moody" it sounds pretty normal to me. A couple weeks after I learned that surgery was imminent, I found myself getting angry with everyone around me but, especially, with the lady who put cheese on my breakfast sandwich! At such moments, we suddenly realize that something is wrong because "That isn't the person I am...where is it coming from?"

My friend, Dan, suggests that as the reality of impending surgery soaks in, we begin to grieve for the life that we will no longer lead...that is to say the one where there was no heart surgery in the future and for the person we will no longer be - the one without scars. We suddenly find ourself on a different path and it is distressing. This new path offers us a brighter future but it comes with the potential for bumps that cannot be anticipated and that is enough to unsettle anyone. Sharing your feelings is the healthy way of coming to terms with this alternate future which you must now accept as your own. Share your feelings here in VR and try to share them with those who are close to you. Talking about how you feel helps you get past the distress so you can begin looking forward again.

Larry

 

[Jkm7]

My first surgery was an emergency with no warning and my head was spinning from all that happened to me and it took some time to get my head back on my shoulders.

My second surgery, four years later, I had a month's wait while they did the TEE and Cath and my surgeon wanted me off certain meds for three weeks prior to surgery. That month was just awful. The wait was terrible. My cardio was so kind and really helped me through, just about literally holding my hand. He called one day to ask how I was doing and I snapped it was a cross between terror and hysteria. He said that was quite normal.

When my surgeon and I set the date, I said to him: "The good part is I have a fair idea what to expect. The bad part is I have a fair idea what to expect."

Both with notice of impending heart surgery and without any notice at all, it is a horrible situation for us to cope with emotionally.
Only someone who has done it can fully understand.
Our friends, our loved ones care and try but hopefully they will never know for themselves how difficult it is.
You are behaving in a manner most of us have done.

Just do whatever it is you need to do to get through it. Whatever it takes.......

We get it, we care and we will do everything we can to help.

 

[Duff Man]

Absolutely perfectly normal. No one seems to be able to comprehend what's happening to an OHS patient if they're not a veteran or in the waiting room. Also, nothing really seems to quench the thirst for more meaningful interactions with your family and friends. My impression is that many think of heart surgery as something like a colonoscopy.

Ironically, the most meaningful conversations I've had in the worst of times as a heart patient were with other heart patients I met here on this forum. I mean it.

 

[epstns]

Mentu, as tough as I've tried to be, I have to admit that what you just wrote makes you my hero! I understand perfectly, and you've traveled the exact same route I'm doing. We grieve for the self we once were, knowing that (as the song says) ". . . We shall never pass this way again." I've had various scars all of my life, but I'm pretty sure my "Mighty Mouse" physique is going to be gone forever.

Although I grieve for all the sense of youth I feel I will lose, I am trying to remind myself that once I let go of youth, I'll be able to embrace and enjoy "middle age." (I'm 63 now, and middle age in my family was always my mom's age. She passed away some time ago at the age of 82, so I still consider mid-60's to be middle-aged.

 

[traveler]

Waiting for surgery was tough for me. I was very afraid my life would have to change. Everyone had a scary story to share. But in the end it was okay ... it was just a rocky road for a couple of months.

It'll likely be the same for you. But the pre surgery jitters are tough.

 

[Superbob]

The "moody cow" bit tells me that you have a great sense of humor. That's a big plus. It will help you get through this. Stress and moodiness are perfectly normal. You'll do fine. You'll do just fine. (You're not getting a bovine valve by chance, are you?)

 

[Allisoninoz]

Thanks for all your supportive replies... glad (well, you know what I mean) that everybody else experienced the same emotions. And, no, at this stage I'm going mechanical but we see the surgeon this Thursday and we'll talk more about precisely what he's doing as he needed to assess the results of this week's stress echo. I'll probably need a bypass done as well as I have an anomolous origin of my right coronary artery, which is rare. And while it hasn't caused me any great probs, now they're aware of it, they have to fix it.

The "moody cow" bit tells me that you have a great sense of humor. That's a big plus. It will help you get through this. Stress and moodiness are perfectly normal. You'll do fine. You'll do just fine. (You're not getting a bovine valve by chance, are you?)

 

[epstns]

I'm the one getting the bovine valve. I guess that means I'll be a (fill it in yourself? No, better not. . . ) bull after all this. I'll just have to be careful going past steak houses and hamburger joints. Will also have to watch what I eat -- could become a conflict of interest, you know!