How to tell children about dad's up-coming surgery

[Becker764]

Hi,

My husband is going in for Aortic Valve Replacement surgery in September. He finally gave the go ahead to start telling family and friends (if I were to have had it my way, we would have told them much earlier for support!) Now that we are telling people, we need to tell our sons before they hear it from someone else. We are very much unsure on how to tell our nine and six year-old boys. Our nine year old is very sensitive and tends to worry - a lot like his mom We are concerned about their reaction to the news. Not a great way for them to start out the new school year..... Any advice on how to tell them about the up-coming surgery?? Any suggestions would greatly be appreciated

 

[Superbob]

My children are grown, but my granddaughter was 6 at the time of my surgery. Basically, my general advice is to be upfront and tell them that their Dad has a heart problem that needs correcting, and though it sounds scary, the great surgeons and hospitals perform this task very efficiently and with good results, and their Dad should be better than ever, though he will need a period of time to recover (with which they can help). I would suggest not inviting them to see him in the ICU -- that about scared my grown son to death, with all the tubes and wires still in. I'd wait til he is in a regular room.

All best to him and to you and your family.

 

[SHEEPDOG]

This is a tough one.

This is a tough one.

I have a 6 y/o son and he is why I had my AVR in July vs waiting till SEPT. I was lucky and had him go to a cousins house the week of the surg. Now that isn't an option so you can just be honest. "A part of my heart (perhaps a book or other diagram) isn't working right. I have to go to the hosp. to get it fixed. The doctor does LOTS of these surgeries and is very good. I will be in the hosp. for 5 or 6 days then I will be home. I will be sore and maybe grumpy for a while but I will be fine......" You get the idea.If they visit soon after, there will be tubes and lots of scary medical stuff. I wouldn't recommend it. Let the tubes, except the last IV they gotta leave in, get out first. The bruising in the neck is bad enough. Keep em busy and get help. Dad will have to be alone a bit more than if they were gone but he will manage.
OK, enough of that. Ask any questions you have. Someone has an answer. This is just how I would do it. Someone else may have a better idea.
Good Luck

 

[Lauren's_Dad]

In the same boat...

In the same boat...

Hi:

My surgery is also coming up (only 15 days to go), and I've been "prepping" my 4 year old daughter by letting her know that I need to go away for a while so that I will be able to play better with her as she gets older. I am also giving her a list of helpful things to do when I return. These were both suggestions from other vr.com members, and I'm sure you'll get many others.

I'm getting a bovine (cow) valve, and she keeps asking me if I will moo when I get out of the hospital. These are the questions that I don't mind answering...

Best of luck to your husband and your entire family during this journey.

Jason

 

[pamela]

When dealing with kids (my daughter was 5 when I had the surgery in 2000) just tell them you need your heart fixed up. Let them ask the questions and never tell them more than they ask for, or give them less than an honest answer to what they do inquire about.

If you let the children direct the discussion, you'll have a successful explanation that satisfies everyone. I let my daughter draw my incisions on with water soluble ink during our talk. She liked being the surgeon and I've never felt more secure in a doctor's hands than I did that day .

Take Heart, I hope your road through recovery is smooth and short. May you climb swiftly to the top of the mountain.

 

[Lisa in Katy]

My kids were 5 and 7 when I had my surgery. I told them I was going into the hospital to have surgery to fix my heart. They asked a few questions, but not so many details. They hadn't been exposed to death yet at that time, so they just took it for granted that I would come home, and we didn't discuss the very small possibility that I wouldn't. After I was moved to a regular room, they came to visit me. I was feeling great and they enjoyed sitting on the bed while it moved and playing with the balloons made out of rubber gloves.

 

[marie]

My children are grown however three of my grandchildren ages at the time 11, 9 and 6 lost their maternal grandfather less than a month prior to my surgery.

Their parents told them I was going to get my heart fixed. They go to Catholic school. The morning of my surgery the whole school remembered me in their morning prayers and then the next morning the whole school said a prayer of Thankgiving that Granny had done well. They live in Nashville and we live in La. Our son (their father) was here for the surgery and the children knew why Dad was away.

I think your children will do well. They do need to be told before someone else does.

 

[ALCapshaw2]

From your profile I see that you have a Heart Murmur.

Do you have a stethoscope? (If not, I recommend getting one).

If your murmur is pronounced enough for YOU (i.e. an untrained observer) to hear, have your children listen to their heartbeats (or anyone with a healthy heart), then have them listen to Your Heartbeat (and murmur).

Then tell then you need to go the hospital where a Heart Doctor will "Fix" your heart so it sounds like theirs.

One Dad on VR.com reported using this approach with his kids with good results.

As has been mentioned before, tell them enough to satisfy their curiosity but go light on the details / risks unless they bring it up.

Hope all goes well for you and them.

'AL Capshaw'

 

[aussigal]

Just be straight with them and let them know Dad's heart needs to be fixed and that he will need to go to hospital for a week or so. Keep it simple, tell them its ok to ask questions now or later if they think of any.

My kids asked to come on the pre-op tour, probably so as to get a day off school!. If they have visited the hospital they know where you will be and may even get to see other patients there who are recovering after heart surgery. I wouldn't advise having kids see Dad in ICU but by the time he is on the ward it should be fine.

My kids were a little bit older than yours. My 2 younger ones (they were 10 & 13) did the pre-op tour but didn't visit again 'til I was in the ward. The were fine with it all. My mum kept them updated.

 

[Bridgette]

yeah, I agee with what has been said about not letting your kids see dad in ICU - not a pretty sight with tubes, lines, drains etc....

But perhaps they can tour ICU with you pre-op - my boys (aged 11 and 8 at the time) and my partner and I were shown all around ICU and the ward etc the night before my surgery.
My family were allowed to come with me right to the little waiting room outside the operating theatre, where they said "good luck" and then left.

I didn't see my boys again till I was in the regular ward - probably a good thing as I did NOT look or feel good at all in ICU

 

[Bonzo Dog]

My girls were 4 and 6 during my endocarditis and mech valve out tissue in saga. Their visits and photo at my bedside gave me strength. It's important to be positive re surgery and hospitals. Yes Dad is poorly, poorly people go to hospital to be made better, Dad will come home better after an operation.

 

[mntbiker]

You have received plenty of good advice thus far but of course I am going to add my own.

My kids were 3 and 6 (almost 4 and 7). As many stated above just explain to them that you need to get fixed, let them know what it is that is being fixed but don't discuss it in more detail then needed. We decided to keep the kids away from the hospital, we believe it was the best choice, the hospital can be a bit intimidating for little ones. This also gives you a few days to start feeling better and moving around more.

To address your nine year old. My older son is very intelligent, and like many very intelligent children he understands that he is mortal, this of course causes issues when he obsesses about death and dying. I found what worked well with him was to spend lots of quiet time together. After we would read our book at night I would stay in his room and talk about anything, in the conversation I would provide an opening for him to ask questions. We did this on a regular basis and after a few days he started asking all the questions I knew he had. This seemed to calm him down tremendously.

 

[cday]

From your profile I see that you have a Heart Murmur.

Do you have a stethoscope? (If not, I recommend getting one).

If your murmur is pronounced enough for YOU (i.e. an untrained observer) to hear, have your children listen to their heartbeats (or anyone with a healthy heart), then have them listen to Your Heartbeat (and murmur).

Then tell then you need to go the hospital where a Heart Doctor will "Fix" your heart so it sounds like theirs.

'AL Capshaw'

I love this idea.

 

[vtwhip]

My husband is also having valve replacement surgery, probably in Sept. We have a 7 year old daughter and he told her that he needed an operation to have his heart fixed. We bought the book, " A Patient's Guide to Valve Replacement Surgery", and he showed her some pictures of a heart from that. She didn't really ask many questions and now states matter-of-factly that Daddy is going to get his heart fixed.

 

[bl95]

How to tell children

How to tell children



Hello! My husband had AVR due to aortic stenosis back on July 9th. We have two children ages 9 & 10. They have known for many years that their dad had a "strange" heart beat. You could actually put your ear to his chest and listen to the sound of the squeaky valve. We were honest with them about the surgery. They understood that daddy would be getting a new heart valve. We talked about how the heart worked and what wasn't working right for him. We didn't really go into anymore detail than they needed to know at their young age. Our 10 year old (boy) is very wise and asked the most in depth questions. Our 9 year old (girl) was more frightend about dying. Both of them were scared though. They know what it means to die since they lost their grandpa just 18 months earlier. That was the biggest issue that we had to deal with. But we have such strong faith in God we were able to draw on that for our strength. You can check with the American Heart Association to see if they have any literature to help you out. Each of our children had their own way of thinking and worrying about their dad. We took our time to talk and pray with each of them. It was and still is an emotional time for everyone. I made sure that I kept it together the best that I could when I was in the presence of my children. We did allow them to come and visit their dad in the hospital on the second day after ICU. They were so excited to see him and to see for themselves that he was okay. They brought a huge balloon for him and made him cards and posters for his room. They hung the posters up on the walls and even made one that we put up on the door letting everyone know that the "worlds greatest dad" was in this room. Our visit with the kids was a very emotional one for us all. I stayed with my husband while he was in the hospital and my mom stayed with our kids. We talked to them many times during the day. Of course their conversations with their dad were really short but just an I love you was all that it would take. When we came home from the hospital 4 1/2 days later they had a welcome home sign that they had made too. Each of them have been able to help out around the house and also help out their dad with taking walks and getting his pillow, the remote and whatever else they could do to help him be comfortable. Be sure to take it one day at a time. It is a scary time for everyone. ICU certainly isn't a place for the kids to be in. That was by far the hardest way to see my husband. Oh, and since the kids were so used to the way that their dad's heart sounded before surgery they were amazed to hear how it sounded after. One of our nurses allowed them to listen with her stethoscope. Feel free to contact us by sending a personal message. I'd be more than happy to talk with you. I'll keep your family in my prayers.
- Leanna

 

[R&N Brown]

Hello Becker, I think this is a great thread.

Our children are a little older then yours, a set of 11 year old twins, 1 boy 1 girl, and a set of 16 year old twin boys. I think how every child digests this sort of news is quite different. Each one of our kids handled it very well but all reacted very individually.

I have never been one to mislead or avoid direct questions from our kids. Much like a previous post here, we felt it was important for our kids to hear about my surgery from us not from someone else. I have been followed closely over the past few years and it would not have been honest to avoid explaining why I attended Dr. appointments and testing every six months or so. We did have one advantage in that our four have always known that I would one day have OHS.

I was very up front about what we were about to go through. We talked a little about the procedure, the date, what my limitations were going to be before the surgery and what my recovery may be like. We answered questions, I showed the kids a picture of the On-X valve that was going to be installed and talked to them about why we had chosen that particular part. All in all, we were very up front about what was going to happen and how it was going to happen.

As I stated before, each of our kids reacted a little different, they all at one point or another had questions that I answered as best I could. There were a few uncomfortable times but we worked through them. Not one of our children had any real adverse issues.

Our 11 year old twins visited me in my room (I was back in a regular room 12 hours after surgery) the day after the surgery for a very short time.
I had an IV plus that funky connection they stick in your neck, no other tubes, although we had prepared them for some of this so it didn't freak them out. That same day I also called my older boys to let them know from me that I was OK. My daughter has told me that it was very important to her that she saw/heard directly from me.

We made our kids part of the event as opposed to being just a spectator. This is what we did, maybe not right for everyone, but it was right for us.
I think kids are alot tougher then most like to give them credit for.

Rob

 

[MNmom]

Hello, welcome. It is amazing, first of all, so read how many people have been through this with young kids! It doesn't make me feel as much like a oddity!

My kids were a month away from 3 and 6 when I had my surgery in June. We have always been open and direct without being confusing- but what seemed to really help both my kids and my husband was to have them watch the Preparing for Heart Surgery video, which talked about and showed a person in ICU with tubes, and walking the hallway and blowing in the plastic contraption, etc. I didnt really need to watch it as I had been through AVR before, but not with my husband or kids! This offered a time for them to ask questions, etc.

When it came time for surgery, my kids were with my husband, brother, and parents the whole time, and stayed in a hotel accross the street from the hospital. They all visited in ICU, step down, and were very helpful at home when I was recovering. Everyone who came to visit commented on how well my kids were doing with everything, so something must have worked for us!

*Try to be as positive as possible. Kids, like dogs, can sense fear.*
Best of luck!
Ingrid

 

[rhino19]

Been there!!!

Been there!!!

Seems like a lot of us have been here and you have rec. a lot of good advice. Just a few weeks ago I was asking similiar questions. I have a son that was off at boot camp 2 teenagers home and a 5 year old. We did opt to tell all of them and yes I am glad we did. The older ones understood the concept but were still scared of course but the 5 year old didn't. What worked for us real well is that when daddy had a dr.s appt we made sure to tell him that. After the angio gram he new daddy's leg was sore because he couldn't run with him. He understood that daddy would be going into the hospital for a few days, to fix his heart, but he still told everyone for his leg. The only real obstacle I faced was when his few days turned into 2 weeks. I took the older kids up to see in on day 3 after he had most of the iv's and tubes removed, he was still in CVU. That way they saw he was ok. The little guy didn't get to see daddy until day 5 and that was hard, day 3 he recorded a message on my cell [phone that he was able to listen to and day 4 he talked on the phone and day 5 my husband was able to go to a family waiting room and see him for about 1/2 hour. That way he could see daddy was ok and understand the hospital thing, not in a room witha bunch of monitors but in a setiing with couches and tv's. We contiuted that routine 2 more times, since visiting age there was 12 this gave them both a chance to see each other. So i suggest being honest and the biggest thing is letting them know and see every thing is ok, and when he comes home make sure they see the "ouchie" and understand why he cant pick things us and hug only a little. You will be surpresed at how well kids react, sometimes better than adults

Good luck!!!

 

[Becker764]

I am overwhelmed with emotion that there are so many caring people out there interested in helping us say/do the right thing with our kids regarding the HVR surgery. The underlying theme in the responses were to be open and honest. That brings me to a question that I'm sure that my nine and six year old will ask. 'Can dad die from the surgery?' Anyone have a good response to that question?

 

[Freddie]

A very good question indeed.
My response would something like this: "What made you think of that kind of question?" and wait for their response. Then reply how you see fit or simply say "dad has the best surgeon and I can't see anything going wrong......don't you worry everything should be and will be fine. Dad will really need our help once he's back home, so we're in this together right? We're going to be a team and help dad get better okay?"
Then give them a hug and tell them how proud you are of them. Is this too mushy for you? Hope you just get my idea on what I'm saying.