Why am I grieving?

[Mentu]

Alex and all the rest of you, thank you. After reading your responses, I sort of let of go of what I've been feeling and for the first time in weeks I slept really well last night. In the past I've found this group to be an important source of information as I made my way along. Now you have become something more than that. It is really wonderful to encounter such a group of compassionate people willing to extend a hand to a stranger. It is one thing to know that a lot of other people have shared this experience but quite another to feel the fellowship of companions on a journey. Thank you for your compassion, your companionship and your wisdom. I'm going to be ok.

"God, whose law it is that he who learns must suffer
and even in our sleep pain that cannot forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart
and even in our own despite, against our wills
comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God."
Aeschylus

 

[Tbone]

I don't know if I would call it grief, more like a quiet stress. After you have the surgery & a good start on the recovery period you should return to normal. Let us hope this is true. I am starting to feel the stress myself, and have serious problems getting to sleep. I hope this works out for you for I am sure it will for me. It might be easier for me that I have been through this several times, but the stress is still there.

I wish you the best of luck & hope you will relax a little.

 

[Mentu]

TBONE, thanks for your note. I've not been sleeping very well either and I suspect that it sort of goes along with the uncertainty and the waiting. I appreciate your comment about valve selection. Dr Spann will expect me to choose a valve when I see him in 3 weeks. In the AVR video I wrote about
[ http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6218906821548692571 ]
The surgeons say pretty much the same thing that a good bio-prosthetic valve can be a good choice for someone even in their 50s. I hope to hear more of your thoughts.

 

[geebee]

I agree with the grieving analogy. We are "facing death" because we fear not coming out of the surgery. Whether the fear is rational or not does not matter since the feelings are real. In addition, they are operating on our heart and replacing pieces of it. The heart is a big thing in the human world and we worry if we will be the same if it is changed.

You will come out the other side changed - for the better but different. You will probably find that you feel differently about things because of what you went through. Not always predictable where those changes may surface but I think just about everyone has some alterations to their emotional as well as physical state.

You will do fine - just try to stay busy and not focus too much on the specifics. Focus on the good things that will happen once you are over the mountain.

Best wishes.

 

[Mary]

I remember what you're feeling, and if it's not normal, then I don't know what is.
As Tbone wrote, it is a very stressful time in your life. I felt like I was stuck in time and space until I got past surgery. It's hard to make plans when you're not sure what's coming at you. And honestly, until you're well into recovery, there are no guarantees as to what the future holds.
The good news is you can feel a certain degree of confidence, by reading the posts on the Forum, that you will make it through surgery and recovery, and come out on the other side better than ever. It's a tough road to travel, but many have done it, and we're all here to walk a portion with you.
If you can, try to relax and enjoy life while you wait. Every day is precious and can't be recaptured.
Mary

 

[Braveheart]

Why are you grieving? Because your world is being turned upside down. Most people believe that they can go along, grow older, patch here, patch there, and everything is o.k.

What most of us who have gone through this realize, is that what we were facing is major league, and possibly life threatening. Good grief...........You are literally handing your heart over to another person. You have a perfect right to feel anxious, and the way that you are reacting is understandable.

Are you confident in your doctor, and the hospital? If so, you need to know that these folks will do their damndest to get you through this relatively unscathed.

If so, you need to understand that somewhere, there needs to be a leap of confidence, the understanding that you are giving yourself your best shot.

Your time will come soon enough, and then it will be behind you. Take care. Just think of the time that you will be writing in the post-surgery forum!

 

[terodac]

Anxiety setting in! And you will have some grief after surgery, because you will have a new normal to adjust to. Talk to your doctor about it! God Bless! I know I have walked this walk!

 

[tobagotwo]

We grieve for our youth and our illusions of immortality, both undone by open heart surgery. Your confidence in life will come back once you feel that you are whole again, but some parts of you will be forever changed.

Best wishes,

 

[ALCapshaw2]

I suspect that EVERY Heart Surgery Patient goes through the Grief Process in one way or another.

MANY report finding a Sense of Calm or Peace just before surgery after coming to the Acceptance Stage.

In the mean time, know that it is NORMAL to have these Emotional and Psychological 'disturbances' before surgery. That's why Everyone says that "the Waiting was the Worst Part". You are NOT Alone!

If you find it hard to cope, be sure to tell your Doctors and don't be afraid to ask for 'something to take the edge off'.

You are welcome to Unload here anytime. WE GET IT !

Best wishes on your journey.

'AL Capshaw'

 

[Ross]

Why are you grieving? Because your world is being turned upside down. Most people believe that they can go along, grow older, patch here, patch there, and everything is o.k.

What most of us who have gone through this realize, is that what we were facing is major league, and possibly life threatening. Good grief...........You are literally handing your heart over to another person. You have a perfect right to feel anxious, and the way that you are reacting is understandable.

Not only that, but unless someone has been through it, you feel like your in a world of condescending idiots because they have no clue what it's like to be in your shoes. Believe me, what your feeling, we've all felt. We do "GET IT".

 

[pamela]

We are gravely ill. Only the near death of surgery can repair what nature has caused to be dangerous. Of course grief is part of the process since we're preparing our families and friends to be in a world without us. I updated my living and last wills, spent quality time with my family and never went a day without letting my loved ones know they were well loved. I had surgery, felt silly for worrying and better prepared to enjoy each moment as the gifts they are.

Even surgery #2 set me back into preparing for death, that's what it is and thus we grieve. I have no doubts I'll take the same road when I outlive this current valve o' my heart.

Take Heart, living is something we do until we die.

 

[deano89]

i am surround by my family who care yet i feel alone ,as only i am faced with a date with destiny ,yes i agree its a sort of grieving process i have been angry sad depressed ,kicked the dog etc etc, but reading on here does give me a reality check that im not alone ,as everyone here knows these feelings and i beleive it when they say the waiting is the hardest part!hope to hear you saying the same after your op !good luck with your journey

 

[Eva]

The loss of control over oneself and one's environment, the thought that one may die under surgery or may have physical limitations are strong cause for grief, anxiety and depression, and anger. We all went through the phase you are going through and it is normal. Try to concentrate on the healthier you after surgery and once this period is over, as said above, you shall regain faith in your strength and in life. I encourage people to, temporarily, take advantage of medicine that may take the edge off during such times. Remember your health, mentally and physically, play a crucial role in your own recovery, and you need to be strong for the surgery. I, myself, felt devastated when I heard the news for the need of surgery. I personally used Xanax (1/4 mg was enough for me) and 20 mg prozac from the time I was told I needed surgery up to three months after surgery, plus a sleeping pill every night during those months.


You shall be fine. Keep venting out as much as you need...we all had been there and this is why we are still here.

 

[netmiff]

These feelings are normal; this is, mentally, a HUGE surgery. I don't know that what I did was grieving, but tobagotwo summed it up in saying we are losing "...our illusions of immortality". I lost my MIL (who lived with us, and who had been seen in the hospital by my cardio) 3 days before my surgeon said the time is NOW, and was already quite shaken up and grieving. It was 6 months until my surgery - negotiated with my surgeon - and I kept getting angry at wee old ladies on the bus having a conversation about something banal, and there's me sitting there thinking "..who cares that the newspaper was wet, someone is going to cut my chest open and stop my heart in 3 weeks?? DON'T YOU GET IT????" Similar things happened in grocery stores and all over the place, and a few times I was almost in tears over these seemingly trivial incidents. (I remember one woman complaining that her daughter had borrowed something ridiculous, like a book, and not returned it; I wanted to pick her up and beat her and tell her it's just not worth thinking about!)

I keenly felt my mortality, my age, my broken heart; I have "chronic recurrent major depressive disorder", and I am on meds for life for that. I got my doctor to increase my dosage, and in the final few weeks I got some sleeping pills too. Trust me, without that, I don't think I woud have shown up at the hospital, and if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't be here to tell you these tales.

We've mostly all been there, we do understand, so vent as much as you need to.

 

[lb151]

We grieve for our youth and our illusions of immortality, both undone by open heart surgery. Your confidence in life will come back once you feel that you are whole again, but some parts of you will be forever changed.

Best wishes,

Well put!!!! That sums it up. I speak aloud to myself sometimes,saying, Did I really do that!

You are right Ross...we SO get it!!

 

[tobagotwo]

There is also the ritual of departing that many of us fall into before surgery, as we realize our vulnerability and the fragile tenacity of life. When the date approaches, we note at each step: this may be the last time I say goodbye to these friends; this may be the last time I travel this road; this may be the last time my love will look at me in just this way. So, we grieve too for what we might lose.

As extremely high likelihood will have it, after the surgery is done, this will have been only high drama, played out in fervent silence between the Deity and ourselves, the only value of which is in the greater appreciation of those things as we recover.

Best wishes,

 

[Alex B]

I went through some of that stuff when they told me it was "severe" and they would be operating soon, but as I learned more about the actual operation, and what an extremely high % of positive results there were, I became more focused on my recovery and tried to keep my spirits up. I found once I realized that my life was just about to become changed for the best I would ever feel I actually had higher spirits than ever before (and I've been referred to as, "the most positive person I know"). So I just have one simple recommendation, FOCUS on the Futuere. I heard a great quote recently, so I thought it might fit here:

Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift (that's why it's called the present).

 

[Mentu]

Things are Brighter today

Things are Brighter today

My original post was: Why am I angry!

I realized today that for some reason I seem to be experiencing the classic expressions of grief. Have the rest of you done this, too? After the ball really started rolling last week, I kept thinking that this really must be a mistake although, rationally, I know that it is not. Heart surgery now, are they sure? Maybe it is really is psychosomatic. This morning I found myself getting really angry with the attendant at the coffee shop that put cheese on my breakfast sandwich. What thoughtlessness! I bit my tongue at the time but for a moment I really wanted to grab her apron and shout at her. And why was my blasted coffee cold? Ahhhh! That really set my heart to jumping. Later and a little quieter, I began to realize that these emotions are just what one would expect of a person grieving. Why grief? The AVR is going to save my life! What is the grief for? I guess it could be for my old life before surgery changes my body but, quite frankly, the “old life” hasn’t been all that wonderful for quite some time now.

If this really is grief, I think I will skip bargaining and move straight on to depression which, if not an old friend, is at least familiar since I’ve begun to feel less well. So does one finally find acceptance before or after surgery? Why is it happening now? Wouldn’t it make more sense to grieve after the AVR? Does this make any sense?

I begin now to understand why so many of you have said that the period before surgery is the difficult time. I keep checking the calendar. 14 Aug there is the heart cath; 27 Aug the first visit with the surgeon; 31 Aug deposit blood in the blood bank; and then sometime around 21 Sep the joyous day arrives. It’s already looking like a lot of time to spend wondering if I’m having a heart attach this time or is it just a momentary reminder from my AV that it’s still there. It’s difficulty to meditate when I can’t concentrate. Where have my good humor and calmness gone? Will I ever get them back?

 

[Cozycat]

Let me assure you that your good humor and calmness will come back. In fact, you might have more than you had before surgery. You definitely look at life differently and it is so much easier to overlook things that were irritating before surgery. I do not like getting up early in the AM but my business makes it necessary. Since surgery I have grown to love being awake and watch the sun come over the horizon, and again to watch it set in the evening. I don't shout it out, but at least once a day I now say to myself that "I'm so glad to be alive and this world and our planet are so beautiful, despite its faults". That was a major change I noticed in myself.

I didn't have too much anxiety prior, for which I am thankful. I just thanked God that my stenotic valve was found and that there were surgeons who fix this problem every day. My biggest concern (or whatever you want to call it) was a few days after surgery when it really hit me that another human being had "my heart" in their hand. That freaked me out a bit but don't think about it much anymore.

Just remember that somebody on this site has gone thru something similar and we'll all help you get past this as best we can.

Thoughts are with you.

Midge

 

[Marcia58]

I think this thread resonates with so many of us!

Three things I noticed:
- I felt like, after the care I'd given it, my body had betrayed me.
- I got sooo tired of people saying, "Don't worry! You'll be fine!"
- I had never felt more loved and supported, or more alone.

DH was appalled when, soon after the surgery, I told him that, knowing what I know now, it would be an emotional struggle to sign the papers for another OHS, although I *would* do it. I'm sure there's someone else here, though, who gets it.

Marcia