so depressed all i do is cry

[youngmom]

three weeks post op,two mechanical valves and a pacemaker talked to pacemaker doc yesterday he said my heart is not beating on its own so im totally pacemaker dependant.he said if my heart hasnt started to beat it probably wont. i keep thinking how long i mmight live. i am 42 and i have a 9 year old.i wake up shaking and crying. i take nerve pills to sleep but dont want to take them during the day. has anyone else had two valves replaced and a pacemaker

 

[sood]

I am sorry about how you feel, as a parent of a 3 year old I understand where you are coming from. I do not have a pacemaker but I'm sure others that do will chime in here. Keep your head up and understand that you are still living and breathing. And you might have to have a pacemaker help you for the rest of your life but at least there is an option for you to continue living and breathing and watch your child grow up.

 

[Duffey]

I wish I had words that would help, but all I can offer is my knowledge that whatever you're faced with post-op, it's better than what you would eventually confront if you didn't have the surgery. You're still right in the middle of recovery so even without any complicating issues you likely would be fighting a case of the blues. Perhaps you can talk to your family doctor about the possibility of having an anti-depressant prescribed to help what you're feeling. You can't change the mechanical valves or pacemaker but you do have a say in learning to live with them. In the meantime we're here if you need to talk.
God bless,
Mary

 

[clfhangr]

youngmom,
Hi there, my name is Keith and I know where you are coming from. At age 32 I had a kidney transplant, at 40 an avr and at 46 again an avr with root replacement.
I have 5 kids the youngest being 8 now. It is easy to get bogged down with your condition and with me it was worrying about the future and my kids if something should happen to me. Well in all truth healty or not we still don't know what the time or place of our demise will be. Sick or not sick. To combat your fears you will need to learn to take one day at a time, being thankful for every morning you are able to get up and say "I'm alive". With what we have all been through everyday we get from now on is a gift. What best to do with that gift is celebrate life and be there for the ones we love. Who knows what tommorow may bring but that is out of our hands. I know it all sounds so easy but it's not and I will admit that. But you are in the best community to get the support you need as well as info. God bless you and remember to take it one day at a time.
Keith

 

[clfhangr]

youngmom,
You also need to know that you are only 3 weeks out as well. You body has had a huge insult done to it and it is normal for emotions to run high and low. Duffey has a great suggestion to visit with your doc and get on an anti depressant for over all coverage of the depression. Your body will soon come back to normal but you will need to give it time.
God bless ya and keep your head up,
Keith

 

[AZ Don]

Last year I read the book Healthy at 100. This year I found out that I had cancer, a BAV and an aortic aneurysm. Talk about a wake up call. We all have the grim reaper hanging over our heads, some closer than others. All we can do is enjoy the days that we have now, and be thankful for the technology and skilled Dr's that have given us a chance for more. My youngest is 11.

 

[pellicle]

a 9 year old.i wake up shaking and crying. i take nerve pills to sleep but dont want to take them during the day. has anyone else had two valves replaced and a pacemaker

That is just **** tough. My heart goes out to you.

This has been a tough little while for me (not saying this to compare, but to give context) and with the deaths around me and the struggle with debridemet operations I have wished that I would be dead many times.

I have looked through the window and seen possibilities for myself rather as distressing as your own. For now they seem to have passed me by.

Over history many peoples and cultures have developed coping mechanisms, strategies for your mental state which I think have helped me.

Job from the old testament is one who was sent many trials. No matter what he refused to curse god. He certainly cried out, and certainly suffered. In the end by accepting what happens (no matter how terrific or horrifying it may seem) we have the opportunity to learn and grow as a human throughout it if we keep our peace.

The Samurai had a philosophy called Bushido, the kanji for this means the warriors path. This teaches honor and strength in the face of death. It teaches to live life and to love life with every moment. For the truth is that you are already dead. From the moment you are born your death is certain. Accept this fact and rejoyce in every moment, in every experience.

Love your child and love your husband. Revel in this experience as it each moment will be the last. Do not be so consumed by the fears of the certainty that you deprive yourself of the joys of being with them.

I have watched trapped animals and seen their fear. They are terrified and loose their composure. A fox stuck on the side of the highway with cars whizzing between it and the concrete barrier will panic and attempt to run between the cars (to its death). When if it simply walked calmly along the roadside for a little while it could get out along a nearby off ramp.

Equally I say to you to reach inside yourself and find that calm and serenity (which all humans have) and hold onto that.

This is what I do when I collapse with grief at the loss of my darling and the destruction of all we were building. The house we were making for the family we will never have now.

Do not turn away from the tears or the crying, for that too is an important emotional outlet. Just as you express the love express the tears. But the crying doesn't mean fear, doesn't mean anger. They are just the earliest responded we humans have. Cry like a baby and like a baby when that has washed over you go back to the love and admiration of your family.

I wish you peace

 

[kimcdougc]

youngmom,

Life is filled with ups and downs. I am sorry you are having to go through that which you are. You are alive now. Live in each and every moment. This heart thing has made me personally aware of every moment of every day. No one knows when their time is up here on this earth. It is easier said than done but you can do it. Prayers to you and for you. kim

 

[Rebecca]

I am a breast cancer and heart disease survivor. In October 2011 I had my aortic valve replaced. My surgery notes had me down as a stage two congestive heart failure. My heart muscle has improved because it no longer has to work as hard. To many times doctors say dumb things. I have two aunts that have had pacemakers for many years. I recently meet a woman when we were volunteering for American Heart Association and she had her pacemaker removed. I recently attended a Mended Heart meeting and they had a speaker come and talk about pacemakers. You should check and see if there is a Mended Heart Support Group in your town. Your spouse can attend the meeting.

WomenHeart also have support groups for women in some towns. WomenHeart will also try to match you up with another women who has similar heart disease. http://www.womenheart.org/?page=Support_SisterMatch Also check out: http://myheartsisters.org/

A good book for you to read and your library can get it is: ) Thriving with Heart Disease a Unique Program for you and your Family Live Happier, Healthier, Longer by Wayne M. Sotile, Ph.D. (a must read book)

I sending you this video that I love. http://play.simpletruths.com/movie/dance-in-the-rain/

May God Bless You.

 

[ski girl]

I'm going to hit you with a dose of tough love here!

Your heart has been fixed, you have a pacemaker that will make sure it beats appropriately when it isn't figuring that out on it's own, and you're well enough to be at home. So what is the problem?

Depression and being emotional after OHS is quite standard and will resolve itself - if it's too much to handle on your own, and it sounds like it is, seek help for that. Doctors tend to focus on the physical side of things and forget about the emotional side, so don't be surprised by how down you feel, and don't try to deal with it all on your own.

Hugs from down under!!

 

[Sten Osis]

Re: so depressed all i do is cry

Hugs from Wisconsin! Keep your head up and remember, we're all pulling for you.

 

[canon4me]

youngmom, I'm a renal cell carcinoma (kidney cancer) patient and I used to think about dying all the time and then I woke up one day and decided to think about living. Now I'm able to put it out of my mind until about two weeks before every checkup. I have a huge scar on my right flank that I regard it now as my badge of courage. Try to make lemonade out of lemons. It really does work! Also, you are doing the right thing-sharing with others on this forum that can help and that can relate to what you are going through. You will get through all this. Keep the faith!

 

[Agian]

Hope you feel better soon. Read Mr Epstein's posts. He's got a pace-maker and is doing great.

 

[epstns]

youngmom - You're not in such a bad spot. I know how it feels right now, but a lot of the feelings are possibly post-op depression. This affects many of us. I know that for the first couple of months after surgery, I would sometimes burst into tears, sometimes for no reason - not normal for me by any means. I also had many near-sleepless nights re-playing my conversations with my electrophysiologist (pacemaker doc) about how I was (and would probably always be) 100% dependent on the little "angel on my shoulder." Even after having to deal with the thoughts and fears of future heart surgery for the 10 years I was in The Waiting Room, this was rough. But as time went on, I began to realize that having the valve was something I was looking forward to for a long time. I also realized that having the pacemaker was not going to alter my life very much. I didn't consciously try to forget about it - it just receded from conscious memory much of the time, until it was time for my semi-annual interrogations. Then, at my second pacemaker interrogation, the doc said that he could "see" some natural pacing taking place beneath the pulses from the pacer. He made some adjustments to allow my heart a slightly longer chance to pulse naturally before the pacer paced it. I won't go through all the next few exams, but at my last interrogation (about 2 years after implant) I am no longer 100% dependent. The pacer paces my atria about 30-35% of the time and paces my ventricles about 50% of the time. This after being told that I, too, would remain 100% pacer dependent. They tell us the worst, sometimes it does not happen that way.

Fast-forward to the present - about 2.5 years post-implant. I've worked with my EP doc to tweak the settings on my pacemaker so that I can do more physical exercise and work now than I could do in the years before my surgery. I almost never even think about having a pacemaker - unless I look in a mirror with my shirt off. I know that when the pacer is near its "use-by" date, it will give me a lot of advance warning to arrange its replacement and that replacement is usually a very short outpatient procedure with minimal restrictions after. I don't worry about being bumped, either. Several docs have told me that if I get hit or bumped, as long as I cannot see the metal of the device, there is little to no danger of injury. (It may be sore, but it won't break.) These things are made to last years, and at each interrogation they measure how many more years the battery will last, so I am not worried about surprises.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in a response to you, but if you are unsure about how a pacemaker will impact your life, check the web site for the "Pacemaker Club." There are members there of all ages, and most of them lead perfectly normal lives. A few are dealing with major issues, but more than a few are running marathons, travelling the world, and doing things the rest of us only dream about.

 

[marc_kowal]

Be strong youngmom, you already over the hump. Concentrate on taking care of yourself first, so that you will be here for your young one. Use your child and the things you want to do with them as a goal; like riding a bike together, walking in the park; watching them get on the bus for the first day of the school year. You've been through the hard part, now it's time to get your life back to some sense of normalcy.

 

[Heather Anne]

Mr. Epstein is an inspiration. I haven't had the surgery yet, but I have done some research on pacemakers just in case, and a couple of studies I read said that about one third of people who have a pacemaker put in after AVR are completely free of the pacemaker within two years. Others, like Mr. Epstein, become far less dependent on it. (I don't have a link for these studies, sorry, but they are NIH studies so hopefully you can find them through their website). In the short term, take it one day at a time, concentrate on doing the things you're supposed to do, like walking and getting enough rest, and try to keep positive thoughts about living with the pacemaker, whether it be short or long term. I'm thinking about you, and hope you feel better soon.

 

[Agian]

That's the way I'm approaching things, Heather Anne. Doing my research 'just in case'. Going through all the possibilities. I'm no longer that anxious about the surgery itself, I'm thinking about life afterwards. Interestingly, even the most common complications are pretty rare: Bleeds and stroke for mechanical, and endocarditis. Made even rarer than that by self-monitoring of warfarin and perfect dental hygiene.

youngmum, I really empathise with your worry. I have three kiddies and elderly parents, who depend on me (and I'm an only child). People like you and me can't afford to die... yet. Others here, with much more experience than myself, think you'll do fine. If you read the profiles of forum members, you will find others with two valves replaced and people with pace-makers. I've been harranguing doctors (seriously) for information. Seen three cardiologists, a surgeon, barged into the MRI suite and quizzed the radiologist, spoken to the On-X RN, contacted the Heart Foundation, interviewed people with valves, exchanged emails with the BAV foundation. By all accounts, people like us do OK.

Those 'nerve pills' you're taking may have the potential to become dependency-forming. They could contribute to making you feel worse, as you withdraw between doses. So, be careful with them. What worked for me was watching Peppa Pig episodes on DVD, with Mia, my four year-old.

 

[TheGymGuy]

I'm going to hit you with a dose of tough love here!

Your heart has been fixed, you have a pacemaker that will make sure it beats appropriately when it isn't figuring that out on it's own, and you're well enough to be at home. So what is the problem?

There is so much heartfelt advice here and it is truly wonderful. I second what everyone says, but in particular I second the quote above. I am a young father and and I have to tell you looking into your childs eyes and playing with them and spending time with loved ones is so precious!!!!! You have been fixed for the most part, your are alive, and your heart is beating one way or another. Seek help with temporary depression (pills, potions, whatever), get off your butt and start living your life. You have been given a second chance.

Tough love? Maybe. But, it is all with good intentions.

 

[carolinemc]

And I so hate these kinds of doctors who put fear into a patient unnecessarily. He was not taught in med school how to have a good bedside manner, so to speak. He should have explainer how the pacemaker would work to help the heart beat. He was wrong to scare your so badly, no wonder you are so depressed. The doctor needs his tutu spanked(sorry, it is how I feel about this kind of doctor). You just keep hanging in there, do as the cardio doctor tells you to do and you will be fine. Hugs for you today.