Post Surgical Anger and Depression Problems...

[Jeeb1]

Chris--When I first read your post I could hardly breathe--I thought about it the whole time on my walk today. Everyone has given you great advice--I'd like to add a few things that have helped me--

1) Try a different med for depression and a different dose--Zoloft worked for me after both my surgeries. I think some people's brain chemistry is not cut out for surgery--I know mine isn't. Also--if you are not taking something for anxiety--get something. I took Ativan. Fear and anxiety can raise the heart rate.

2) I find a lot of my post operative depression comes from living in the "what was" instead of "what is". You know the saying, it is hard to move forward when you are looking back. What was is no longer an option for us. I still struggle with this after a year, and when I think of something that I used to be able to do, etc. I just think to myself, "that thought is not helpful to me"

3) This is a strategy that worked for me--"act" the behavior/feeling that you want. What I mean is, you can't change how you feel right now. So "act" the behavior that you wish you felt--happy, funny, interested in others, etc. Even though this seems fake, it works. Gradually you'll forget you are acting for a few minutes. Also, if you can be with people who don't know your situation even for a short time and act how you wish you could feel.

4) Lastly, don't worry about God. If you don't feel the connection right now--let it go--HE will find YOU. After my last surgery I "lost" my faith for about six months. The words of prayer would not come to my lips for some reason. But it didn't matter because He found me. To paraphrase loosely, "He knows your pain, just as he knows every strand of hair on your head." He will find you--trust in that.

Sincerely,
Tiffany

 

[Superbob]

Chris,

I just wanted to echo all of this great advice you have gotten here from these wonderful people.

Know that we care about you.

Don't give up, never give up.

Seek out some professional help right away -- something as simple as adjusting a dosage or a med might well help.

Let us know how it's going -- as others have said, it took real courage on your part to open up like that. Many of us have gone through dark times after surgery. Brightness lies ahead.

All best wishes,

 

[Brookwood]

Chris, thanks for sharing with us how you feel. Reading your post made me cry. I don't have much more to add, just want to let you know that you are not alone. We also have experienced that anger and depression, and have those dark moments after sugery(my husband was diagnosed 12 weeks ago and is 4 weeks post op now). Sometimes we still grieve our loss, worry about uncertainty, and wonder if we are losers. I guess it is normal reaction after trauma. We are trying not to dwell on those negative thoughts and feelings, but to enjoy those simple but beautiful moments of life: like watching sunset, taking kids to playground and parks, playing with our chubby cat... That helps. Hope we will gradually walk through this dark valley, and so will you.
We are walking with you.

 

[Jkm7]

It's a hard path we all walk going through the trauma we and our families endure in order to live. To know how close we all came to not surviving, to try and wrap our brains around the fierce fight we fought to not only live but have a quality and substance to our lives. We all heal from this at different rates, at our own pace and in our own way.

We cede control of our lives and choices to surgeons and nurses. We are grateful to them certainly but when it is time to take back that control, sometimes we haven't regained enough strength.

It is shocking for us to see how physically weak we are post op and for many us we suffer emotionally as well. It is hard to imagine we wouldn't. Look what we have been through.

BUT WE SURVIVED. WE FOUGHT TO LIVE. We want more love and laughter and joy among our families, friends, in our work, and what we do.

We need to recognize when we need the strength of those who love us and let them help us to continue healing. We need to ask for their help if they don't recognize how much we need it. They love us and want us with them and if given the opportunity, few would fail to respond.

Ask for the help of those around you. They will respect you for the willingness to fight to survive; to heal; to become well in all ways.

But do it now. Don't wait. There is no reason to wait an hour, not a minute.
Call your doctors. Ask them for help. They can't help you if you don't seek them out.

God Bless you and yours, Chris......

Bless all of our VR family. We've all walked that hard path and we've all walked it in our own way. The same as some have few bumps in the road with no a-fib, no complicatons etc....some also have few emotional issues. But the same as many have a-fib and complications, many have anger and depression and it is as medically treatable as is the a-fib. Get the treatment and get well.

Big hugs........

 

[Jan]

Chris

You are part of the Valvereplacement Family and we care about you,
Read the replies to your post, and please seek help, remember we are here to listen to you

hugs

Jan

 

[AquaJeff]

Can?t see the forest for the trees.

Can?t see the forest for the trees.

Dear Chris,
You say there is no support from your family.
Are you sure? From the outside I?d say you are most likely mistaken.
I am not guessing at that. I?m pretty sure.
I could see it from your wife?s posts. She also wrote me when I was down in the dumps about my guilt for failing my father. She told me things about how fortunate she was to have you. Right now you can?t see the forest for the trees.

There was a lot of good posts replied to your tread. Over 80 in under 15 hours from what I could tell. Even strangers care. But your family cares the most. They probably don?t know how to help. Any help you ask of them they?d probably give. But you don?t know what to ask of them do you? You think you?re a burden. The truth is you?re a treasure to them. I may not be able to convince you of that but maybe I can plant the seed in your mind. What if roles were reversed?

I wish to echo some other posts and add my 3 cents. (2 cents adjusted for inflation.)
#1. See your doctor. The meds aren?t working. If you had a disease caused by bacteria and the antibiotic didn?t work you?d change to another one wouldn?t you? Your brain chemistry has been messed with. You need to get help to get the chemistry balanced.

#2 You matter. ( Should really be #1) Hoping to not be here will not help anyone. It will only cause pain.
Go rent ?It?s a Wonderful Life? Jimmy Stewart was great in it, but my favorite was the angel.

#3 I lived through depression with my girlfriend. It was with her that we learned that if some meds don?t work you got to keep trying until you get the right ones.
I?ve also had my own depression. I read your post about clutter, failing to do simple house work, taxes and said, ?My God. That was me!? So, thanks for letting me know I?m not the only educated man to have done that. There are so many other things you wrote about that I see parallels. It?s amazing. If you want to hear my similarities or you want to talk, ask questions or ask for help or you simply need to unload (bitch) feel free to pm me.

#4 I had no idea about Opal mining. I?m sorry you broke that Opal log but, STUFF happens. Small silver lining, you still have the pieces, you learned something and if that didn?t happen to you, you wouldn?t have been able to post it and I wouldn?t have learned about something I never knew about. I think your avocation is pretty interesting. I would love to hear about some of your excursions.

Good Luck with all you have to deal with. It isn?t easy but I always like reading Nancy?s signature. ?Never Give In and Never Give Up.?

God Bless

 

[cday]

I look at the picture of you and your family. Your precious wife and children -- I know they love you very much -- and they are worth fighting for.

The number one thing on your list should be to get a different medicine.

I will pray for you. And even if you don't know or can't pray for yourself remember that the Holy Spirit is continually lifting prayers up for believers to the Father.

 

[rocksoldier]

i can't think of any words of wisdom-everyone has covered it!just know that i can totally relate. had a few bouts of depression over the years-and i survived it!i was very ill with depression-even had to be hospitalized and get ECT! but i'm still here!so you can make it,too! you are cared for by all of us here at VR! hugs! trish

 

[Debster]

Just getting through this surgery is pretty damn impressive. I am not the patient-my mom is-but just getting over the mountain is a huge deal, and not for the wimps. My mom had the same heart rate issues-they went on for quite awhile. I think Ross' post said it best....you are in my prayers...Deb

 

[gijanet]

Chris ((hugs))

Chris ((hugs))

Chris, Your post is painful to read. Partially because of the pain you are feeling……….and partially because it hits so close to home. I have been struggling with what you are feeling for the last year and a half. I am a chronic insomniac and a worry wort and a definite type A personality, to boot. I think part of our problem is middle age crazy gone awry. I am burned out on the things I have been doing for twenty + years. Since I was 20 years old, I have been going 90 to nothing………..college degree, teaching full-time, National Guard, OCS, commanding a company of 279 troops, grad school, three marriages, single parenting for a while, buried my brother and sister, have two children, a healthy son………..and then Katie came along……….and my whole life evolved around Katie………researching her condition, seeking out opinions, going through five surgeries…………now that she is pretty stable, I can’t seem to evade that feeling of waiting for the next shoe to hit the floor there, (as we know there will have to be more intervention at some point; we just hope and pray that it is a long, long time off), and then at the same time, it’s like I’ve lost my mission in life as that was my entire life for five years…………….and then my husband was deployed in there for a year when Katie was two to three years old - went on a two week vacation to the beach when he got home and a hurricane hit., category 1, but still!! a hurricane nevertheless...........some homecoming and vacation...................sigh!......and then we made the awful mistake of buying a fixer upper over a year ago………….that has turned into a nightmare……………our contractor took 57K and abandoned us halfway through the job……………won’t even respond to the BBB, so they closed our file, so the house is still not finished…………and we have now poured more into it than we will ever see out of it………...........tornado sirens going off during the closing should have been a sign.........I mean signing paperwork in a stairwell should have been an obvious omen, but did I listen? Nooooooooooooooo! Not me!……….sigh! and to top it off, it’s in a city that I have grown to hate but have to stay here because my parents are in poor health, and I am the sole surviving child now…………I have to go over ot their house (which is also in a desperate state of disrepair....ugh!) at least three to four times per week to fill pill boxes, call in prescription renewals, help mom pay her bills and weed out the junk mail, clean out their fridge, etc., and then you want to talk about clutter? Try working full-time and then on top of that giving up weekends and part of your summer for the military for 20+ years…(even though I really do miss it)……..this house that we are currently in is in such a state of disrepair and so cluttered that the board of health would condemn it if they were to drop by……………………ugh! I’m fried. I’m burnt. I’m tired of working. I’m tired of living. And I don’t have your health issues to deal with. I’ve tried wellbutrin and Zoloft and neither one worked. Didn’t do diddly squat. I’m now trying Sam-E but haven’t’ been taking it long enough to know if it works. I do know I need help, and my family needs me, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I, too, have often thought of driving my car into a brick wall at 90 mph, but I figured with my bad luck, I would probably survive and just be a quadriplegic………….sigh!

Personally, I think you are just fried, too, and your health issues have just exacerbated the situation. Please seek help, Chris. (I know I’m one to talk. I do plan on seeing a shrink or a counselor as soon as I can find time to find one and then see one. Try finding one that charges on an escalated basis. Some are no charge, depending on your income. But seek one out now, as there is usually a waiting list for those.) You know your family really needs you. Don’t you dare think that your family will just get over it after a while. You know that is not true. After losing my brother and sister, I can tell you that it doesn’t work like that. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of them and miss them and wish they were here. To be honest, I also sometimes cuss them out for not being here to help out with my parents. I shouldn’t have to do this alone……………..and it has been 18 and 19 years now that they have been gone. You are worth more than you know to your family. Don’t think for a minute that they won’t miss you.

Even without your health issues, you might just be reaching that age that you are fried and need a change. Change your occupation. Have you considered teaching? Even if your health won’t allow you to teach full-time, you could most likely teach part-time as there is not a state in this nation that is not crying for science teachers. And health insurance would most likely not be an issue as most school districts are open enrollment and as long as you have not had a lapse in insurance, they should not be able to deny you. (Please verify this first, though.) Shoot! With a PhD, you could even teach part-time at a junior college or university. They don’t pay as well, but I know that all the junior colleges in our area are constantly recruiting part-time teachers. Watch out, though, as part-time, they don’t have to provide benefits, I believe. I know I just bitched about being burned out, but I really do love my students. I teach at an at-risk school, and some of those kids have such hardships that it makes ours look miniscule in comparison. One of mine I am trying to get hold of………..yes, during the summer, because I just found out he lost his job, and he is the sole provider for his family, mom and little brother. Mom has a brain tumor and is unable to work, and he is on probation, and I’m afraid he will do something stupid…………..sigh! It’s kids like this that make me wonder what I’m complaining about…………….

Chris, I have rambled on for an hour now, and it has been very therapeutic………..haha! Please get help! Know that you are not alone. There are people who care……………..us for one (actually many, but you know what I mean). Seek out a new career for a change of scenery. And forget the opal…………geez! Give yourself a break. I know because I have been asking why can’t anything in my life go right……………just for once……………..and then I try and remind myself that I have a perfectly healthy son, and I have Katie, who is doing really well right now, and a lot of heart moms can’t say that………….and my parents are still here, even if they don’t know that much of the time…………but daddy does say at least twice a week, “I don’t know what we would do without you………” So, I’m here, and am planning on staying here, even if a huge part of me would like to just take a permanent snooze.

Please get help. Hang in there, and I will, too. I’m kind of embarrassed at spilling my guts here, but just wanted you to know you really are not alone. Great big bear hugs. Janet

 

[Freddie]

Oh Chris,
I hear what your saying! TOTALLY!
It's just over a year for me since surgery and I share those same ugly feelings that you are feeling now. My doctor's explanation when I went to see her (because my other half thought I was depressed) said "you've gone through a lot.......surgery was said and done within 5 days, give yourself time to adjust". Yea right.
For me there where so many nights that I just sat outside and cried. My other half just went to bed and ignored me......slept in the car one night and cried some more. The only person that was concerned about me that night was my son. Thats when a "little" light bulb when on. I thought to myself "This is not fair to my son".

So from that day on, I have tried very hard to embrace everyday I have with my son (only have the one child), its not so much what I can do for myself, but for my family.

My friends have also pushed me away. Since my surgery no one has the time anymore to come over.........whats up with that???
Now's the time to pick yourself up. You have already made a bigger step than I ever did, and that expressing your feelings here. Your second step is to go to your spouse and say "I'm sorry - please be patient with me" and just try to explain how and what you are feeling to your other half. They need know, so they CAN try to understand.

I feel your pain and some members will be surprised to read this from me. I too see the ugly scar, I hear the tick of my valve, but each and every day I thank the Lord for giving me one more day with my son and I think to myself "what can I do for my family today?"

I'm sending you a good old fashion Canadian Bear (((((HUG))))) and give one to your wife too.

You've had many responses and all very wise ones, please talk to someone soon - this was only my experience: which I live with everyday and thats my choice.

Remember Chris, your children need you and so does your wife. Show them that you do love them.

Now this maybe harsh, but what I believe to be true: 'its not about "me" anymore, its about my family'

Take Care my friend.............
P.S.
Your pass due for a response from this thread you started

 

[PairoDocs]

Doing Better Than Last Night....

Doing Better Than Last Night....

Thanks everyone for the very sincerely appreciated encouragement and compassion. I guess you have to have really been there to appreciate and understand the pain I went through and continue to do so. However, each day has been different for me. Today, while I was temperamental, I still fulfilled the promise to my children to take them to a movie, Kung Fu Panda. It was a good movie and we enjoyed our time together, then I went nearly ballistic when I got to Kmart and found my wallet was missing. I drove back to the theater, praying under my breath that it would be undisturbed and there. It was; it had fallen unnoticed out of my back pocket. I made sure to button my pocket this time.

Then the kids went to Tae Kwan Do, and I watched them have fun and learn a few new moves (kids both scheduled for possible belt advancement examinations next week). Then we bought fireworks and went home. Laura brought home some Mexican takeout from a new restaurant owned by a friend--good food. We had some great laughs with an old MASH episode where Pierce and Trapper did the Marx brothers skit with the Pierce being Groucho and Trapper being Harpo (of course blowing a duck call "quack!"). Great laughs. Reset my mood a bit.

To make a long story short, I am planning on continuing in the land of the living (not just passively, either!). Yes, I am still depressed and angry, but it was less intense today. I will try to respond to some of the individual things that people said here that really hit home with me, and wish to extend a general THANK YOU!! for all of the rest of your sincere and heart-felt concern and sympathy. I guess I'd also like to say that God must have been attentively listening to those of you who were praying because I did do better, even though my children, especially my son, were naughty and defiant this evening--and I didn't blow my stack. I just had to lay down some firm, but reasonable discipline (such as 10 minute time out--only to begin when KC stopped talking and making noise--so it really took 30), but no raging shouting or screaming. So even in the matter of the kids, things were better even when they were behaving worse than yesterday.

Tomorrow we have plans to go to our annual 4th of July parade (with military jet flyover and precision skydiver landing by Master of Ceremonies stage), plus our own kids on the Clover School float wearing red/white/blue clothes. My wife and I will be sitting by my father in front of his clock shop in downtown Buhl, population 3800--the same as it was in 1910, two years after it was founded. We'll have a couple thousand people coming in from other cities in the Magic Valley (Twin Falls county and other nearby ones) to watch the parade. Then afterward we'll go to a large local park, where the local city pool is located, where we'll have food, fun booths, carnival, live music, fire hose competition (fire hoses shooting at a suspended barrel), trout scramble (kids catching trout by hand), and lots of other fun stuff. Then a public fireworks display and about $250 of private fireworks for at home. Laura says for me to admit I'm a pyro at heart!

To summarize, yes I'm battling depression, but I'm not letting it stop me from at least trying to have some fun. As for the suicide option--it's never been a consideration nor do I believe will it ever be one. Thanks, though for your vehement admonitions to seek medical and psychiatric help. I'll contact someone this Monday. Meanwhile, my wife's experience as a Family Practice Physician would help her see any danger signs in me and could intervene with professional support if she thought it necessary (including our neighbor EMT and the country sheriff if the need should arise). Don't worry about me. I'm in excellent hands, both from the human and spiritual side of things. Thanks, and I'll keep people posted here about what happens, even if things go downhill again. Yes, continue to lift us up in prayer, not just me, but Laura and the kids, too. They need healing, too, from all of this.

Looking Up a Bit in Idaho,

Chris

 

[gijanet]

Well, Chris, this does sound.............

Well, Chris, this does sound.............

a bit more upbeat. Kind of makes me feel a little sheepish about spilling my own guts, but the most important thing is that you are not suicidal, which was our biggest concern, and that you are indeed seeking help. YOu do have lots of people who care about you, even though we haven't met face to face. We will keep you in our prayers. Hugs. Janet

 

[zipper2]

I didn't spend time posting right away,but did put you and Laura and
the children into prayer immediately.Psalm 145:8 Chris ,helped me alot 2 years ago when i had 2 brothers pass away in 6 month period,they were at same time months prior at my bedside as i at the same time caught endocarditis (staph). I got better ,but they didn't ,the lord took each one home to a better place.The hardest was watching my mother of 83 years saying good-bye to two of her children,I was angry it should have been me
i felt and showed my anger directly at everyone,no shyness upon my part.to express the anger.One brother died of tremendous cancer came on so fast and took his life painlessly quick,the other died of 2 massive heart attacks and a massive stroke,they left behind beautiful wives and children,it broke my heart (no pun) in half,it just wasn't fair.Life sucks,I was even angry at God too.I had every anti depressant ,every pecription you'd think and i chose when my Dr. said i would survive this loss of my brothers i was strong,but he felt if ever the loss of my mother,he will then have to pick me up in different ways.........You see my mother and I are the best of friends we have always had a meaningful relationship for my 47 years.I chose to stay off the pills and i picked up an old scribbler and daily i wrote since the loss of my brothers something positive.In adversity lies oppourtuity,i didn't care what type of day,the worst i've had in every bad situation. Sometimes when all gets so devastating in life we only see what we already believe.this wasn't easy training myself to do and say positive things when i'm having a stressful period in my life and God took 2 of my only brothers.Whenever you find yourself spiraling down Chris,you hit the pit of despair and believe me i was.
My husband was the greatest but i didnt see it as that,everyone i luved so dearly i pushed away from me,including my mother,Oh it was a life of hell.
It was too much for me to handle,i took an anger management course many years ago,i'd pulled out those books and did get about 6 months councelling
to deal with the brothers deaths,i'm on no meds for this but i totally believe
God helped me through this and now i'm ill again with heart issues and here i go again.........but im still getting up on these challenging days with more worries again accept i can deal with this today better. Chris when you wake up tomorrow or next day,say a prayer and no dought days are challenging,but think of something that makes you smile like the course of blowing a duck call "QUACK" you have it in you,it's there and you are gonna get some help and you are OKAY,write down daily one positive thing in your life and repeat positive things daily to yourself,but write down daily just one
positive thing about YOU till you get your appointments etc going and even then continue with it daily.You have the greatest wife and children and i know they luv you as much as you luv them.

zipper2

 

[EireCara]

*Chris, So much of what you said yesterday hit home with me too and even though I didnt post a reply yesterday, I did offer up a prayer (several) for you last night.

*Janet......((((( HUGS )))))

 

[Phyllis]

Glad to see this post. It sounds like you have a wonderful weekend planned and our prayers will remain with you throughout.

 

[hensylee]

we can all thank VR for this place we can come to, to express feelings and thoughts that we would never voice out loud, such as Chris and others have done. I believe it helps to 'get it out' at times. You can see how all the members have jumped around you to help protect in times of trouble.

Thank you for checking back in, Chris, to let us know that you are fine and will continue to be fine. You sound upbeat in this latest post. It's great that you intend to see someone next week. You never need to be alone in all of what is troubling you.

Have a wonderful fourth with your family. Prayers continue for all of you. Blessins.........

 

[geebee]

Oh - such very happy news. Thank you for letting us know things are a bit brighter and I pray they will continue to glow more and more.

I do still hope you follow through on Monday as intervention still seems indicated especially for the anger (the one issue I found hardest). Things will improve more quickly with more help.

Have a wonderful day at all your celebrations and be safe with the fireworks.

 

[Freddie]

Thanks for writing a reply Chris. Your first post REALLY hit home with me......so much so I couldn't sleep last night - thinking about you and thinking what I went through a year ago.

The hate and anger the two of us feel may never really go away, dealing with it is a challenge.

But I must say that you are at least 10 steps ahead of me. You've got the drive to go out and do things and do your best to enjoy the surroundings - my drive has got up and left.

Hats off to you my friend and I hope you have/had an excellent 4th of July Celebration.

Cheers

 

[Wise]

Great news! Still praying for you.