It wasn't all roses...

[pellicle]

..... But your post will help me remember that these feelings will hopefully go away at some point, and I will try to focus as much as I can on positive things, like my recovery. Easier said than done I am sure!.. But at least I know that it's coming, and that it probably won't be a permanent thing. which is my biggest fear..

they do. Soon after I'd had my second "rapeAndScrape" surgery to cut away the infection I obtained in my 3rd OHS I began to wonder if this bacteria was going to be defeated after all. I began researching the incidence of it and the outcomes (which quite frankly looked bleak).

However here I am, 4 years later and while I still do not know if its there or not there (and I'm still taking antibiotics 3 times daily just in case it hasnt) the anxiety of "what if" no longer has me as despondant about life.

So yes, you can't easily see the progress but the progress is plain when looking back at how you felt "a year ago" once the process is started.

I know that doesn't sound very helpful, but its "Rachel Hunter Principle" : it won't happen over night, but it will happen.

 

[epstns]

Pellicle makes a good point - many things that we hear or that happen to us are major emotional shocks. We try our best to process them and to get on with our lives, but at times it is difficult. But then. . . one day it dawns upon us - we are no longer so badly affected by this happening. We realize, possibly on a subconscious level, that we are still here, still living our lives, and that we may actually be able to do so for a "normal" period of time. We realize that this despondency we once felt has diminished, and we are "ourselves" once more.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

 

[LondonAndy]

I read this thread with interest - I didn't have any of the feelings you have described Mellyouttaphase, though the pre-surgery briefing cautioned that depression is not unusual. I applaud you for talking about such issues, which so many feel unable to express, and others for sharing their experiences.

I feel that I would be able to post personal issues here without fear of dismissal or ridicule, and that this forum is a truly great resource for the many people facing heart surgery. I hope others feel the same. I don't know what percentage of patients experience varying degrees of the emotional trauma the treatment can cause, but I am sure those who do can gain strength from this thread.

 

[Mellyouttaphase]

I am appreciative of this forum allowing the space to discuss these issues. I am an "open book" type person however when it comes to discussing my surgery in the outside world I tend to minimise my situation. People just don't know what to say and I know it's ridiculously expectant of me but discussion always somehow leads to frustration on my part. Everyone just want to hear that you're all better and if I am honest, I would previously had probably been the same.

I can see now why the surgical journey is dubbed as an emotional rollercoaster. I have had a fresh loop of fury as I come down from my Thoracentesis procedure knowing that there was already a small recollection starting the following day. I want to be alone, then I am angry that I am alone. Does this sound familiar to anybody?

Mostly I feel great - my usual mode of light and cheer are in full swing, driving everybody with less bounce crazy. Then sometimes I can feel that there has been a fundamental shift deep down somewhere inside, something big has changed and it is not yet clear. I don't feel as though this is negative, but if I am not careful it becomes overwhelming.

 

[David W]

It's great that you can engage in your honesty warts n all. It's not a fairy tai for many, however I think your experience will help others to know that when they do wake up post surgery and the **** has hit the fan emotionally, things do get better no matter how low you get. Great post. I wish you well in your recovery.

 

[Agian]

It varies day-to-day. I felt sad today. There is an element of post traumatic stress, that can hit you weeks afterwards.
I was told about my stenosis in 2013. Since then, i was playing the unpleasant waiting game. Now it's like my brain is looking for something to be anxious about.
What I resent the most is that this is ongoing. The warfarin doesn't bother me, it's the anxiety associated with a lifetime of follow-up echocardiograms.
My fantasy is to cut myself loose from the whole cardiology game and put it all behind me.

 

[Mellyouttaphase]

It is ongoing for sure, Agian. I understand what you are saying. Sometimes I embrace this well. When am feeling strong I think that I am fortunate to have this journey because it sets me apart from others and has spurned personal growth that cannot be gained any other way. BUT when I am having a moment of self-pity or simply facing the reality of what lies ahead, it is infuriating to have people try to point these things out!

I was having a particularly bad day in hospital and my mother who doesn't always think before she speaks tried to offer some sage advice. She said, "Just think of all the experiences you have had that nobody would ever want to have". I lost it. Funniest attempt to say something comforting gone wrong! My chest hurts just thinking about how hard I was laughing. I guess it cheered me up after all!

 

[Agian]

Makes you grow up really quick, I guess. When I was 31, I was completely oblivious. This is what astounds me with the young people we've had here. Their wisdom and maturity.
Our vigilance to health matters may pay off in the end.

 

[epstns]

Melly - Some of us are also just more prone to that emotional roller coaster, not just in cardiac matters, but also potentially in other "life-changing" situations. We just have to find or learn ways to deal with it, or if it gets too severe we need to know enough to seek help.

The one thing that just infuriates me is when someone says something that boils down to "Just get over it." I don't know about you, but I just can't do that. I have to process my way through it. I almost always manage on my own, but long ago needed help with a situation. No shame there. I just sometimes hate myself for being who I must be as I process it all. I seem to really want to share my "likable" self with others, but sometimes that self is absent and the one I don't like is there.

 

[Trinalovescats]

Everyone has different emotions when they come out of surgery.I was sedated for 6 days,woke up on Mother's Day!
I was hopped on so many medicines I didn't even remember why I was there,I didn't know I had a scar until I was discharged two weeks later.
I am 31,and I look at life differently knowing that I was hours away from death makes me appreciate life even more.
The only time I was scared was the night before when I tried to talk myself out of surgery and my parents were crying and said "No,your on oxygen already you should bury us when we are old,we shouldn't be burying you" That's when I realized how serious I was.

Melly-Don't be devasted that your still here,your here because you have a story to tell.You have lots of chapters that are waiting to be written.

 

[Mellyouttaphase]

Hi crew! I thought I should check back in after I hit the 12 week mark (after second op) on Monday.

For a few weeks now I have felt all but as I did before. Some days I forget that the surgery even happened! At work the other day we had a patient who was about to undergo a very serious procedure and I was talking to some colleagues about how I cannot imagine what it would be like to have major surgery. Uh, HOLD UP! It took me a few moments to realise why everyone had gone quiet.


Sometimes when I think about things I find it overwhelming. Every fibre of my being is flooded with something intangibly heavy and I cannot breathe. Then I remind myself that I am okay and I got through it and I can do it again when I have to. It pays to remember that nothing in this life is permanent; not even sorrow.


I think a big part of my issue is that I saw this cloud hanging over my head for a long time. That one day I would have this surgery. I didn't realise that I was using this as an excuse not to move forward in life. A reason to stay in my comfort zone. All of a sudden the roof was blown off and the blue sky was blinding! I was lost because I hadn't been able to see past a certain hurdle that in a backwards parallel reality I was using as a crutch! And one that I never dealt with or talked about at that. Freedom is terrifying for those who have never contemplated it, sickeningly so when you learn it was just you keeping yourself prisoner all along.

 

[pellicle]

...I think a big part of my issue is that I saw this cloud hanging over my head for a long time. That one day I would have this surgery. I didn't realise that I was using this as an excuse not to move forward in life. A reason to stay in my comfort zone..... Freedom is terrifying for those who have never contemplated it, sickeningly so when you learn it was just you keeping yourself prisoner all along.

This is a real issue and a really good post , one which I think should become a sticky ... you have expressed it very well.

 

[OzChrissy]

OK you guys, I am a newbie but an oldie (62) and had heart disease for 17 years. This is the most real expression of feeling I have ever seen. Although I am crying my eyes out, I appreciate so much what you have all said. This forum is brilliant for sharing these often never spoken of experiences. I know with the progression of my illness that I won't get that fix, I will deteriorate but at least I have a few more years left because of my valve replacement. Those of you who feel cheated with their surgery, I believe that if you had waited until the last minute, you may be in my shoes. My valve replacement (Transcatheter Mitral Valve) was done because I was too sick to get a valve replaced the normal way with OHC and I was too sick for a Heart Transplant. I will probably not improve much from where I am, but I am here. The rest of my heart is stuffed, Dilated Cardiomyopathy, and I am in Stage 4 Heart failure. To hear you wonderful young people speak with such confidence really makes me happy. You all have a brilliant future, and I have spoken with Pellicle on the phone and he has helped me immensely, but when I look at all the physical trauma and operations he has gone through, and just shrugs off, I am blown away. You have all taught me a great lesson, alright I may not have the opportunity to work, to do any structured exercise or physical activity much. I am sorry I am waffling, but I feel so inadequate with I read about all that you have faced, all of you. You lot really are a step above everyone else. I am so pleased to have seen this post, I am completely overwhelmed by it all. (as if you couldn't tell)

 

[newarrior]

I have vague memories of being intubated in ICU. When they took the tube out, my first thought was 'Was that it?' Then I became intensely aware of everything around me. I wanted to know what was going on, to the point of obsession. I had this feeling of impending doom and resented being there. The ICU staff were great, but they moved me to a ward and my room was right next to the nurses' station. They didn't realise I could hear everything they said. What I heard really upset me. Some of them spoke about the patients with such contempt, that it bordered on evil. I got out of there as soon as I could. At home I developed pneumonia. I would spend the day in bed waiting for the night to come, so I could bomb myself out with Endone, only to wake up two hours later.

I'm week six post-op and I remain very introspective. I feel like I still have so many questions. I sent an email to the surgeon's rooms. No answer yet. I won't say I'm depressed, but I remain anxious and preoccupied.

I hope I didn't hijack your story, but I thought this was a good place to share mine.

Good god brutal--where was this ? I am in Thailand where I won't be able to understand anything thank god. Glad I left the USA in 2017--the place appears to have gone downhill

 

[Chuck C]

I have vague memories of being intubated in ICU. When they took the tube out, my first thought was 'Was that it?' Then I became intensely aware of everything around me. I wanted to know what was going on, to the point of obsession. I had this feeling of impending doom and resented being there. The ICU staff were great, but they moved me to a ward and my room was right next to the nurses' station. They didn't realise I could hear everything they said. What I heard really upset me. Some of them spoke about the patients with such contempt, that it bordered on evil. I got out of there as soon as I could. At home I developed pneumonia. I would spend the day in bed waiting for the night to come, so I could bomb myself out with Endone, only to wake up two hours later.

I'm week six post-op and I remain very introspective. I feel like I still have so many questions. I sent an email to the surgeon's rooms. No answer yet. I won't say I'm depressed, but I remain anxious and preoccupied.

I hope I didn't hijack your story, but I thought this was a good place to share mine.

Well, since someone resurrected this thread, I'll comment, lol.

You should have popped your head out of the room and pulled a Frank Costanza: "I heard every word you said!!!"