Is this depression, anxiety or a sign?

[themalteser]

Sorry, I got no idea where to post this, so please feel free to move it.

Ok, I wonder how many if you, who had surgery ever had these thoughts, years before surgery or you knew you'll pull through fine...

My thoughts are:

1. I am going to die either during surgery (if I ever need it) or my aortas going to burst (currently mildly dilated)

2. My wife is going to die and I can see myself missing her so much. I can see the situation as if it is happening now, I can see myself holding her, crying, letting her dad know!!

Sorry, very depressing thoughts, but I can feel these thoughts so much that, deep sadness gets a strong emotion inside me (literarily I can feel a ball in my chest of sadness inside me)

Has anyone ever felt like this?... I sometimes think, is this a sign that its really going to halppen, or mind tricks?........I went to the doctor to discuss this with him, and he said I got no depression (because I was ok when I seem him) but said I am in constant anxiety. He given me a week worth of sleeping pills (zoplicon??) and 10 clonazepam to take them whenever. He said he would like to start me on (again) oxaclin, but I resisted because the side effects where horrible......

Thankyou for reading... Again, sorry everyone if this is a bit depressing......

 

[Heart Of The Sunrise]

themaltesser:

I think your thoughts and experiences are normal and not uncommon. When I first found out... I was afraid to fall asleep because I feared that I would not wake up.This went on for weeks. Then when I almost fell asleep while driving home from work...I knew things had to change. Then I took control of the situation. I learned everything I could about my condition. I learned what my options were. I was very fortunate for a great cardilogist who referred me to Dr. Bavaria @ Penn. I also joined a gym, walked two miles almost everyday and lost 10 pounds. I called it my cardiac-prehab plan. As for sleep- 2 melatonin, a benedryl and a prescription for .5mg of Lorazepam (Adavant) I sleep great and straight through the night. I am convinced it helped me do extremely well during the nine hours I was in surgery. My Aortic valve was horrific and my Aortic root was a real mess. Today is only my 2nd full day at home post-op. I feel amazing. As predicted by Dr. Bavaria my ejection fraction has gone from a pre-surgery 47 to a post surgery 60.

 

[epstns]

Malteser,
You've been around here enough to have read that many heart patients have problems with anxiety or depression. It is most often spoken about in the "after surgery" discussions, but I have also heard that the mind sometimes reacts when it "knows" that something physical is wrong. I think my mind "knew" when my valve became clinically stenotic. That was some years before a medical diagnosis was made, but I often had the feeling that "something isn't right." When in those moods, it was easy for my mind to "over-exaggerate" and take me down the path to some very dark thoughts. I had to teach myself to shut these thoughts off. Once I did that, I realized that they were only thoughts -- they had no power to predict the future.

That said, are you current on your echo's and tests? If anything has changed with your heart, it may have triggered an emotional response.

 

[caligirl]

I have those same thoughts about not making it through surgery, and having a dissection. I talked with my PCP and she actually put me on Zoloft, because the thoughts had been consuming my life. I am currently in "the waiting room". If it is something that has begun to affect your daily life, you should talk to your dr and see if they can help. Wish you all the best.

 

[themalteser]

Hello all,

Thank you for all your messages. Epstns, my echo is fairly recent (7months ago), my next echo is going to be this July I think or next July (because my cardiologist said that he might see me every 2 years instead of 1, which I'm not particularly keen about this arrangement).......

I turned 30 today and these thoughts were at their peak!..... I might have to go for a second opinion with a doctor maybe there is something else I can take....

I don't want to start CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) again, because although it helped to some extent, I felt that the problem is not tackled on a personal basis, but more on a general basis or book basis if you know what I mean.....

Doctor wanted to put me on escitalopram, but I did not want them because of the side effects (I had them before, and the brain zaps where horrible), Oxaclin had terrible side effects aswell, clonazepam relaxes me, but I understand the long term effects, sleeping pills I am worried to take them... I don't know what else there is. A friend of mine suggested St. Johns worth, has anyone tried it by any chance ?

Again, thank you all for your help.

 

[kimcdougc]

Malteser, I to am in the waiting room. Picking doctors now then schedule surgery. I have fear like you to, but reading what all these wonderful people post on line in this forum is very reassuring to me. I also have faith which helps. No one truly knows your fear or anxiety but those people here who are waiting or have been through it all. Educate yourself. There are a few great videos on youtube of the actual surgery. There are also videos on youtube.com that some wonderful people have posted post surgery. They did a video everyday in the hospital showing you everything that went on and continued at home. It has helped me a lot know exactly what to expect. I am not taking any medicine for anxiety...yet. I started taking trazadone 7 years ago because I couldn't sleep. It continues to be enough for me. I do find myself getting a few tears in my eyes some but not too much...doesn't pay to feel sorry for myself. Stay busy living life until it is time for you to have your OHS. Know you are not alone in your fear.

 

[pellicle]

Hi

Ok, I wonder how many if you, who had surgery ever had these thoughts, years before surgery or you knew you'll pull through fine...

well I'm not sure what you mean here, but after my second surgery I didn't know if I'd need a third.

Seems I did. It was a bit of an unexpected discovery. But in hindsight I should have seen it coming.

1. I am going to die either during surgery (if I ever need it) or my aortas going to burst (currently mildly dilated)

yes, I was concerned about that. My Aorta was dialated to something like 5.9 (IIRC) and everyone was quite worried about it when they discovered it.

2. My wife is going to die and I can see myself missing her so much. I can see the situation as if it is happening now, I can see myself holding her, crying, letting her dad know!!

pardon me, but who has the aorta problem?

I actually did have my wife die, about 8 or so months after my OHS to repair my aorta.

I did see myself holding her ... lets not go into the details on that.

Sorry, very depressing thoughts, but I can feel these thoughts so much that, deep sadness gets a strong emotion inside me (literarily I can feel a ball in my chest of sadness inside me)

I understand ...

Has anyone ever felt like this?... I sometimes think, is this a sign that its really going to halppen, or mind tricks?.......

just mind tricks. Truth is unexpected. I would prefer to be dead now, but would not wish to have put her through it.

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/i-wish-i-was-dead-but-im-not.html

... he said I got no depression (because I was ok when I seem him) but said I am in constant anxiety. He given me a week worth of sleeping pills (zoplicon??) and 10 clonazepam to take them whenever. He said he would like to start me on (again) oxaclin, but I resisted because the side effects where horrible......

yes, I tend to agree with that diagnosis. I'd resist the pills too (and have). I try to cope.

I keep thinking things like:

there is nothing to fear except fear itself.

from a Novel Dune there was a verse I liked (years ago), it has come back to me:
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain

and from our old mate Billy (Shakespear)
“A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once. It seems to me most strange that men should fear, seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.”

Just today I wrote on my blog:

I struggle to stay alive and keep my health good to maximise my healing from the wounds the surgeon gave me (in order to keep me from dying from the infection I got from the surgery intended to save my life).

But to what end do I struggle? To be alone? To live without her by my side?

I live but I am barely living.

The silence is broken only by the struggle to remain alive and healthy and keep working.

When I have struggled with long and difficult tasks before there has always been a goal. When I have struggled to survive before there has always been a reason to live.

Am I struggling now simply out of habit?

I wish I could offer something to help more , other than to say:
you are not alone in feeling as you are, even if you feel alone

 

[Pat J]

Wow

Your post put things in perspective for me

 

[Ovie]

I'm a year past my AVR and am more depressed then I've ever been, I can't make it to work, I'm having terrible nightmares, the mental part is so bad that it seriously becomes physically painful. I have these visions of things that are going to happen to me, or ones I love. I'm working with someone and it really helps. I suggest you do the same, and know that your brain is capable of the most magnificent things, that it can play serious mind games when you're in a state of depression or anxiety. A lot of times I look back at things that I was terrified would happen, and look at how it actually played out, and it was NOTHING like I had thought it to be. Our mind is our worst enemy, yet always gets us out of the most difficult situations, it's crazy how that works. Seek some help, get another opinion..I feel that only you truly know if you are depressed or not. Good luck!

 

[themalteser]

Dear all,

Sorry for my late reply, I just want to thank you all for your replies.

 

[tom in MO]

It's old fashioned, but works...try seeking solace in your God or religion.

There are all kinds of prayer that can help relax, focus your mind and remove your fears.

Taking humanity as a whole, there are more people who get relief and a reason to live from their God or religion than from Psychiatry.

 

[Herb]

I must be one of the lucky ones. I approached my imminent aortic valve replacement operation with absolutely no anxiety at all. In fact I even forgot about it for most of the time leading up to it.

I'm now post-op + 5 weeks and feeling it was all very routine, with no surprises, and my worst memories are of the disgusting hospital food. I suspect that in retaliation the kitchen staff arranged for me to stay in the hospital for 7 days instead of the usual 5.

 

[Heart Of The Sunrise]

Yes, horrible hospital food. Breakfast and the initial clear liquids were okay. But advancing to "full food" was more of a penality. I had to force myself to eat enough to produce a good bowel movement as a discharge requirement.

 

[epstns]

Food? Who wanted food just after surgery? For me, nothing tasted right for about a month, then gradually returned to normal.

 

[Bracken]

I was lucky enough to only have 2-3 weeks to think about it, in between my diagnosis and surgery. It is natural to feel anxious and nervous about the surgery. But flip it around. What if your condition went undetected? What if surgery wasn't on the horizon? For me the consequences would have been "catastrophic" as my surgeon and cardiologist often said. When I thought about it in those terms I felt VERY fortunate to have the diagnosis and surgery. It really eased my mind going into it.

 

[Herb]

Hello all,

Doctor wanted to put me on escitalopram, but I did not want them because of the side effects (I had them before, and the brain zaps where horrible)

Escitalopram = Lexapro.

I'm wondering what you mean by "the brain zaps where horrible".

I've been on Lexapro 20mg for about 5 years now, and it's better than anything else I've had over the years. I've had absolutely no side-effects at all. My various neighbours' barking dogs used to drive me up the wall. I would become extremely angry and agitated ~ but now no more.

I no longer drink alcohol, but for those who have self-medicated on alcohol as I used to for many years (for anxiety) - medical science has yet to develop a tablet that is anywhere near as effective in treating the symptoms of this condition.

I've always thought it a little odd ~ even a little suspect ~ that the big pharmaceutical companies have still not developed a pill that simulates the relaxing effects of a modest dose of vodka or other spirits. It's almost as though they've been bought-off by the liqueur industry not to release a medication of this type to the public.

I've never been given Prozac. Perhaps I should have asked. Just possibly its calming effects approaches that of a certain measure of spirituous alcohol.

 

[clay_from_nj]

Before you rely too much on meds, know that you can willfully affect your own mood. I decided that I just will not "do" stress, and I don't. I like to think of my surgery as a new beginning and a second chance. Look at the positive side of what has happened. I feel stronger every day. Hell, I feel taller! It's like graduating from high school or college. Not an ending, a beginning. Looking forward to feeling better over time, rather than worse. Think about what you'll be able to do that you couldn't before, how much longer you'll have with your loved ones than you would have had.

My cardio is the pessimistic type. Before surgery, he told me that I may see an improvement, maybe not, maybe I'll even get worse. Well, I have my six-month follow-up next week and can't wait for him to see just what great shape I'm in.

Don't dwell on what might happen, think about what you want to happen. What can you do to move in that direction? Do it. Now.

“The era of procrastination, of half-measures, of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays is coming to its close. In its place we are entering a period of consequences.” ― Winston Churchill

 

[epstns]

Just remember, in many cases stress and anxiety are like guilt -- they are only there if you accept them.

{Remember - I am not a medical professional. This is just my humble opinion.}

 

[Herb]

Just remember, in many cases stress and anxiety are like guilt -- they are only there if you accept them.

Sounds a little glib to me. Next time I hit my thumb with a hammer I'll try to deny my delusions of pain.

Putting the blame for anxiety back onto the patient will more than likely further lower self-esteem and thus raise the level of chronic anxiety. Not a very helpful strategy I'm sure you'll agree.

As a four-time patient in various psychiatric hospitals for clinical depression/chronic anxiety I never once heard a psychiatrist trying to lay a guilt-trip on us.

 

[epstns]

I'm not trying to lay the blame on the patient. I'm only trying to make the point that often we feel guilt or anxiety when we could choose not to feel so. It will not make the driver circumstance disappear, but we do have some control over our feelings.

If I came across as being glib, trying to place the blame on the patient, I sincerely apologize for the comments, as that was not my intent. Perhaps I should have qualified my comment to indicate that it applies to some of the mundane everyday situations we all face, not those situations of a more profound nature.