I wish I never lived

[duncanjo]

Had a sudden cardiac arrest death syndrome attack in March been off work since then Doctors told me that i should be lucky that im alive and i should be dead. i'm almost back to normal, but i just found out today that i will never go back to work as a police officer because they installed a stupid defibrillator in my chest and when i shoot my fire arm it might set it off thanks for telling me that part before they put it in me. I ask him to take it back out so i could go back to work as a cop but he wouldnt listen to me (it will save my life) he says and to start another profession ( it's so f***ing easy for him to say that) I've been a police officer since i was 19yrs old now im 33 yrs old what the hell am i suppose to do now serve friggin hot dogs.. this sucks really sucks im so pissed off now i love being a cop and now im done dead weight at my department a has been that no one will remember just some washed up cop im useless at home cant do much,, this really sucks...

 

[Greg a]

you may want to look at
http://www.servicecanada.gc.ca/eng/isp/pub/factsheets/vocrehab.shtml
I have just started the process to start over at 57 too
does your dept have counciling as you should talk to someone who understands your love of job
I am in Kitchener and if I canhelp just say so
I have an ICD and it has saved me twice and I am glad it did every time my Grand daughter smiles at me as she was born AFTER I was on deaths door and saw the light, while it was a warm loving light I was glad to wake up in this cold harsh world

good luck
Greg

 

[Greg a]

http://www.valvereplacement.org/forums/showthread.php?35064-Radical-Sternectomy&p=453639#post453639

 

[Lynlw]

I'm sorry to hear this , but glad you ARE still here. My Dad is a retired State Trooper, who then took a job as a prison warden when he "retired' so I understand how cops love their jobs. I don't know if it is possible, but could you do something still with the police, like working in the Academy teaching new cops or anything like that? Other wise, I'm sorry it sucks, I know that, my son has had problems finding a career that really interests him BUT has good benefits, because of what he can/can't do with both his heart problems and learning disability that was most likely related to it.

 

[Penny]

Hi, I see from your profile that you have been a member on here for quite some time. Although my time here has been limited I have gotten to know quite a few people as I am sure you have too. I felt I just needed to reply to you for this post kinda shocked me. (well it is the heading mostly) I can tell by your words that you are your job as a police officer is very important to you. It is only natural that a person who has worked hard to earn an honourable profession such as yours to feel the way you are feeling about this. I have a young friend who has just completed her 4 year training to become an rcmp here. I know it takes a special person to want to put themselves out there and protect others against crime and wrong doings. I am guessing here but think that your anger stems from no one informing you of what was going to be the outcome of them putting this defib in you. I can't blame you for being "pissed off" personally I would too be angry with the doctors. I guess though what I would like to say (hopefully without offending) had they not put this in would you still be alive... I have no idea for personally I dont know what would be the outcome if you didnt have this.
Yes like you say it is so easy for someone else to say just find a new profession when clearly they dont know how passionate you are about your job. Try not to be too hard on yourself, take your time to absorb this news you have been given. Yes it really sucks but please trust me, I honestly dont think your co-workers will think or refer to you as dead weight. Hang in there... If you need to vent, send me a msg.

 

[Mentu]

Duncan, I had to "start over" at 35. It sucked. Only later is it possible that youu begin seeing other possibilities for yourself. Before that, however, I guess my first question for you is "is it a fact that a firearm can set off your device?" I would want to know what reliable research that statement is based upon. Because people believe something to be true does not make it so. Check the sources of that information.

Right now is not the best time to be sitting down making plans but it is the time to talk with someone - whether a close friend or counselor it doesn't matter. Talking doesn't change what has happened but it can change the way we look at what has happened and the way we look at ourselves. 'Take care.

Larry

 

[Bryan B]

Had a sudden cardiac arrest death syndrome attack in March been off work since then Doctors told me that i should be lucky that im alive and i should be dead. i'm almost back to normal, but i just found out today that i will never go back to work as a police officer because they installed a stupid defibrillator in my chest and when i shoot my fire arm it might set it off thanks for telling me that part before they put it in me. I ask him to take it back out so i could go back to work as a cop but he wouldnt listen to me (it will save my life) he says and to start another profession ( it's so ******* easy for him to say that) I've been a police officer since i was 19yrs old now im 33 yrs old what the hell am i suppose to do now serve friggin hot dogs.. this sucks really sucks im so pissed off now i love being a cop and now im done dead weight at my department a has been that no one will remember just some washed up cop im useless at home cant do much,, this really sucks...

Duncan,

We all have chit that sucks in our life when we get sick with freaking heart disease. I'm about to give you some tough love brother so I hope you're ready for it. I just got out of the hospital yesterday with 2 holes in my groin from a catheter ablation to reduce my resting heart rate from 130 to back to near normal. I was also in the hospital in mid May for the same thing but they couldn't do anything about it because I had a clot in my heart. I DON'T HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE AND I DON"T HAVE ANY MONEY!!! I had a Ross Procedure in 2004 and had sternum complications. I haven't worked a truly full-time job since then because my company dumped me, I got addicted to the pain pills they had me on for months, I got depressed, etc. I now also have a moderately leaking aortic (autograft) valve, aortic root dilation (4.5cm) and ascending aorta dilation (5.4cm) and once they stabilize my atrial flutter they will get back to talking about surgery to replace my aortic root, ascending aorta, and probably my aortic (autograft) valve. I had a surgical consult last August and the surgeon said the sooner the better if we want to save your autograft valve. I had financial aid set up but it fell through at the last second. Now I'm waiting to hear if I get accepted for Medicaid and/or SS disability or any freaking organization that will help me pay my medical bills. My 3 day stay in the hospital in May is now over 30,000.00 and I'm sure this latest one will be just as much if not more.

Buddy...if you want to switch places with me just give me a call and I'll be on the first plane there. Deal with it. I know it sucks but you have to work with the cards you're dealt. Find something else you love to do and go with it. If someone told me I could never play golf again (have worked in the business for years but can't right now do to work restrictions, but I can play if I use a cart) I would feel like my life was over. But I'd just find something else I'm good at and run with it. That's what you need to do.

 

[Lionheart]

Duncanjo,
I admire your love for your job and anyone with that much commitment is worth having around. So, I disagree with your header as I am glad that someone with your commitment to such an important job is alive and living and I guarantee that there are people out there that you will influence and help in the future. I urge you to please continue to seek a solution that keeps you around and alive and continue to fight to find a way to do your work or something closely related within the constraints handed to you.
"Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change" W. Dyer.

Best,
John

 

[Ross]

I know what it's like fighting departmental issues, but gather up as much evidence as you can, because it looks to be that what they've told you is bogus. You may have a problem with a shotgun or sniper rifle, if the ICD is planted on your shooting side, but your side arm should be no problem at all. I don't know too many times where you need to using a shotgun to enforce the law. Sure there are times, but few and far between.

Check out this forum and it's contents:

http://www.thehighroad.org/archive/index.php/t-386410.html

Remember this if things don't work out, One door closes, another opens. If it's true that you cannot return to normal duty, why not go into another branch, like forensics or something else. Yeah I know that's not what you want, but the thing of it is, you could well be dead and I don't know many dead cops doing their jobs very well. Your alive. Make the most of it that you can. Don't stop living because of a speedbump infront of you.

 

[Maryka]

I am thankful that I was working in a sedentary job (computer programmer) when my aneurysm showed up on a routine chest xray and started me on my adventures with heart and other problems. Still, I found due to our crummy economy I was forced to take early Social Security now, when I can least afford it. Starting over really sucks, but I am, at heart, a surviver. I also try to see what else I can do for a "living". Please consider what else you can do that does not require you to fire a gun. I should think there are a lot of skills you have developed in your recent/former career that will be welcomed in the market place.

 

[pat45750]

Duncan just wanted to say I felt bad when I read your story. No one can take the bad away and change your life for you, so I am not even going to make any kind of suggestions. I will just keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Just know you still have the gift of life and you will decide to make the most of it at some point when you get over the anger and hurt. Meanwhile, you are entitled to feel angry until you are able to move on.

 

[ALCapshaw2]

Your subject line suggests the possibility of Depression.

Before going off the deep end, I would encourage you to get a Second Opinion.
You may also want to discuss your situation with whoever oversees Human Relations within your department.
THEY would know the guidelines that govern your situation.

Some of our Members who are/were in Law Enforcement were told they could no longer go on 'beat' if they were on Coumadin. Apparently Different Departments have different Rules and if I recall correctly, some have been able to return to service. As Nancy says, "Never Give In and Never Give Up". Check out your options before throwing in the towel!

Best Wishes for a favorable outcome.

'AL C'

 

[Nancy]

I am sorry to hear of your very tough situation. There may be other opportunities for you. You have to get creative in your thinking.

Have a neighbor who was a dentist, and a good one. He developed a tumor on his spine which had to be removed. It saved his life but left him with a spine curvature which meant that he could no longer stand and treat patients. He was off work for a while. But he found a great job teaching and then found another as an investigator in the State's overseeing arm and he is doing very well, investigating other dentists.

If you have been on this site a while, you know that depression can set in after heart surgery. Your life was spared for some reason. This is your opportunity to see what you can make of this new opportunity in life. If you find that your depression is getting the best of you, call your doctor and have a consult about it.

You are only 33, and there is a lot of good things awaiting you.

 

[nngbwh]

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. Hope your work things out.

We are here for you. Take care of yourself.

 

[BarbJean]

Duncan, It must be very difficult to not be able to continue the career you have loved. But, think of all those that love you. You are much more to them than your career. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you find another career path that will reward you as much as police work did.

 

[catwoman]

Duncan:

I'm sorry you're facing an apparent change in careers.
However, others have gone through the same thing, in various careers, for various reasons, and have found another livelihood.
An uncle -- professional truck driver -- had a blood clot in his leg that he ignored. One day he was on a delivery and collapsed. Was taken to a hospital. Doctors tried to save the foot but it was gangrenous and had to apputate it. There went his longtime trucking career. He was fitted with a prosthesis foot, but doctors said he was apt to develop more clots because of being a driver. He was in his 50s -- kinda old to start over, many said. However, he found a job with the Texas Air National Guard.
I know of other stories in which health forced changes in career paths. And sometimes it wasn't health or job loss that changed career paths.
All a cousin ever wanted to do was to be a police officer. He went into the U.S. Marine Corps right out of high school, became a military policeman (MP) and when he was discharged, became a police officer for his hometown police department. He went to college part-time on the GI Bill, got married and gradually moved into the private sector (Raytheon), got his master's degree and is now working on his Ph.D. I've never asked him, but my 6th sense is that he didn't find police work as fulfilling as he had dreamed it would.
Perhaps you should talk to your human resources department for your police force/government entity. Surely there are other jobs you could segue into, perhaps temporarily, maybe permanently. Security work should be a place to start. Perhaps going back to school for preparation in a career in which your cardiac condition is not a problem.
The first step is counseling and perhaps something for depression. Then map out what needs to be done to prepare for another career.
If you remember that others have done it successfully, you will realize you're not alone and that will give you some comfort. When we feel alone, we are at our lowest point.
Good luck and God bless.

 

[Luana]

Duncan,
I've thought of you since I first read your post. I doubt if there's anything that I can say that would make you feel better or change your mind.

I would strongly encourage you to seek the services of a therapist for cognitive behavior therapy. You do have a lot of depression going on, and understandably so, and I think this would help you far more than any medication.

You were robbed of something you loved and that's a great loss.

 

[Cooker]

I agree with Bryan (and others) ... We all have had bad cards dealt in one area of life or the other ... I have seen too many people here and elsewhere fight for every breath and lose ... be grateful you are still breathing. At your age you most likely have years ahead of you, don't throw them away.

 

[tcopel]

Hey dude...listen to Dave Matthews and Kenny Chesney's song, "I'm Alive."

 

[Bina]

Duncan, I'm sure that an implanted defib won't totally stop a career in law enforcement; and if it means not being
a "hands on" cop, then there are other options in the force.
Hey, you must be OPP? Maybe you know me....<grin>