how does one recover

[laurad37]

Laura,
My wife is also named Laura, but I'm the one with the surgery. I have noticed a common thread with knee-jerk divorces and Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde transformations. These spouses have suddenly been faced with their own mortality and don't like how it looks. A majority, by the grace of God or at least a healthy perspective on life and death, just stand by the spouse who has just "counted coup on the Pearly Gates." Others, when they see the huge scar on their beloved's chest see only death and are reminded full force of not only the spouse's mortality, but his/her own. A lot of people resent TRUTH of that magnitude thrust into their faces--and the scar that reminds them day after day of the invariant facts. Knowing I was technically dead for 61-63 minutes, affected Laura quite a bit, but in her case it made her much more motherly toward me. Even now she puts together my nightly and morning pills for me, despite the fact that aside from the aspirin, none are heart-related. She gets bursts of hot temper a bit more often not only toward me, but also the children more often, but she always comes around after a while and tries to make things right again.
Laura, your husband and kids just didn't react in a healthy way to your near brush with death. I guess your husband's version of 'grief' involves lots of anger. And since you happened to still be around, he misdirected it toward you. Kids are kids. In this iPod, X-Box, cell-phone, texting generation, even death seems to be just a "Twitter" event to be posted--it takes a while before reality can properly intrude such an overstimulated existence. I guess it got through--I'll pray that everyone involved will realize your current needs, and accommodate them appropriately. Your daughter's statements of "I hate you." are probably really strong statements of powerful emotions that she doesn't even know how to properly express. She loves you as much as ever, but hated what happened to you and can't separate the two things emotionally. Perhaps it's something she inherited from her Dad--maybe even genetic. With some good prayer and counseling, the family may be able to get through this grieving period.
My own family has taken this in different ways. My daughter is completely fine about it, and even asks to rub some baby oil on my scar sometimes. My son is much moodier since the surgery and a bit angrier, too. My parents and sister are all just glad I made it, and our relationships have pretty much returned to normal. I still don't have a job, and frankly, I rather would just farm and write science fiction instead of trying to get back into chemistry--with this economy it would just be an exercise in futility anyway. Yes, our brushes with death affect the people around us, and it just can't be helped. The only One we can always rely on is God, Who decided our lives on Earth have further purpose and provided the surgical techniques necessary to bring this about.
At least I was blessed to have kind compassionate immediate family. Yes, I also noticed the almost complete exodus of my friends out of my life as well. Good riddance--actually I miss them, and understand their response to my mortality. I'm starting to make new friends, and look forward to the new life ahead. Laura, that new life awaits you, too.

Chris

thank you Chris... That about sums it up. I plan on talking with each of the kids this weekend so that they are able to get their true feelings out on the table. You know, talk about what happened, how they feel, how I feel. I feel like all of us have bottled so much inside. As for my friends, at this point they are the least of my concerns. yes it still hurts but I have a family that comes first and foremost. thank you again.

 

[MissMelis]

Wow. Well spoken, Chris.

Good on you, Laura.
Hang in there.

 

[Bina]

Chris (PairoDocs) has posted great insight as to the emotional aspect of OHS and the impact on family and friends.
This type of surgery is not something that we come across often in our daily lives and it can throw us for a loop.
We all have different ways of coping and dealing with daily stress, but OHS is a whole different story.
My husband and I had our rough spot a couple of months postop when one day he blurted out, "I want my wife back."
That was hard to hear, but we hugged and cried, and continue to try to make the best of what we have.
Best wishes to you Laura.

 

[laurad37]

Chris (PairoDocs) has posted great insight as to the emotional aspect of OHS and the impact on family and friends.
This type of surgery is not something that we come across often in our daily lives and it can throw us for a loop.
We all have different ways of coping and dealing with daily stress, but OHS is a whole different story.
My husband and I had our rough spot a couple of months postop when one day he blurted out, "I want my wife back."
That was hard to hear, but we hugged and cried, and continue to try to make the best of what we have.
Best wishes to you Laura.

That's what my husband said " I want my happy, energetic and perky wife back.". I told him as soon as recovery is over she'll be back but she doesn't exist right now.

 

[KAJ]

Laura,

I am glad things are starting to improve for you. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers. I am specifically praying for changed hearts on all sides.

In regards to friends, I had mixed feeelings. Someitmes I would be sad if some did not call while in the hopsital in Alabama or come visit me after I had to go in the local hospital shortly after returning from Alabama. When they did call or come by, I was so exhausted and worn out, I only wanted to rest and not have visitors. I barely had the breath to talk. I was truly on an emotional roller coaster.

However, before one firend came, he called and asked me if I wanted anything. I told him a Frosty from Wendys. He brought it . I will never, ever forget that small act of kindness.

Karl

 

[hobbysdad]

Laura,
Your posts pre-surg and immediately following suggested a pretty good support system including your a#$hole spouse. What happened? I'm 7wks post-op and just now transitioning back to doing my share of things in and outside the house. Sounds like he's having a bad case of "it's all about me." And your kids? No excuses for their lack of empathy. Like the others who have posted, I wish I were near to assist. Don't suppose your husband (and I use that term lightly) would read these responses?
Hoping for a turnaround in your home.
chip

 

[Nupur]

Laura, I just read your thread. I am so sorry about the lack of support in your family. I can see my husband doing the same thing. He doesn't have very much compassion to begin with (even after 8 years of marriage, he makes himself tea without asking me if I want any). I expect him to be an a$$ when my time comes, but hope for a pleasant surprise. You are lucky that your mom was around. "I want my wife back" made me very angry! It's NOT about him!! I don't know what to say. Yeah, the spouse goes through a lot, but I don't know if that is an excuse for being so nasty. Sorry, I am sure your husband is a wonderful person otherwise. Just like I know my husband is a good person but he sure is obnoxious to me, and I think that's because he takes me for granted (a 24-7 slave to the family's needs, with no time off). Glad you are making it clear to everybody in the family that you come first now, and you need time to rest and heal. I hope they understand and give you the support you need now. Please don't be in a hurry to get back to your normal role in your family. All the best, and sorry if I sounded harsh and judgmental about your husband. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

 

[gustaf]

This hurts to read. I really hope you will find the way forward with your family. Men and children somehow must learn not to take their fantastic mothers/wives for granted.

I had very strong support from my family (sometimes too strong, not letting me doing almost anything), but somewhat surprisingly also from my employer, even at the absolute highest level, and I am immensely grateful to all of them. I have however experienced a similar fear from many of my friends, but I have accepted this with the knowledge that I am now the stronger person, and that I can forgive them for being afraid and insecure.

I am not a praying person, but I wish you the best luck. Don't forget that you are the stronger person in this game, and as such, you can forgive them, especially the children.

::g

 

[PairoDocs]

From Pairodocs-Laura

From Pairodocs-Laura

I have got to say that people came out of the woodwork during Chris' surgery. He doesn't remember some of it, but he even got a visit from one of my bosses during his stay in the ICU! One of my friends sent her aunt and uncle to check up on me at the hospital, to make sure I had a place to stay. I had also attended one of the nurses through a difficult pregnancy and delivery, and she called many times to make sure that things were OK. Chris and I were left alone for most of the time, with the majority of contact by phone, but we were 2 hours from home and didn't expect people to visit. It was a good thing, really, since we were so occupied with the walks, rehab, and even ordering food, since Chris is gluten-intolerant. The odd thing is that the people that called, with a few exceptions, were not from the group we would call our best friends. Most of them were more acquaintances, and not bosom-buddies.
I guess that Chris and I had not been able to be the best of friends to others prior to his OHS, so some of this is our fault. We are somewhat isolated here, and not the best at correspondence.
One of best things Chris did when he got home was get back into counseling. This has been immeasurably useful. The second best thing was joining this group. Hope you find it helpful as well, and God bless.