Getting back to "normal"

[Gemma]

Hello everybody, but significant others specifically - I need some advice from you!!
My boyfriend Jim has been given the all clear by surgeon and cardiologist alike to get on with his life and get back to normal - drive, work, exercise etc. All great news!!
What I'm a bit concerned about is his mother and how she's coping with this. I overheard her telling Jim's sister on the phone the other day that she couldn't go to visit her (she lives a few hours away and it would be for a few days probably) as she couldn't leave Jim alone. (Wasn't eavesdropping on purpose - their house is open plan!!)Presumably his sister said something to the effect of "isn't Gemma there?" as she went on to say that he'd be alone in the daytime.
She seems to be having a really hard time accepting that he's probably safe to be on his own occasionally. I think the longest she's been out of the house when I haven't been there is about an hour... This is a really tricky situation I'm in as I don't want to upset her but I'm worried she's making herself more stressed than really necessary. Jim's uncle and aunt live across the road so if there WAS a problem he could get them, and I'm only 20 minutes away when I'm at work.
HELP!!!
Gemma.

 

[John & Joann]

Problems following valve surgery do not usually happen quickly. Infection is your biggest fear. My wife (2 valves replaced,3 bypass, second surgery) was driving a car in about 7 weeks. This is among the longest surgeries of any on this board (12 hrs. plus)

It is not in anyones best interest to make him an invalid. He needs to be walking and around other people. He needs to be treated as normal person. Depression, infection, atrial fib. and issues with 4 days of surgery are normal. Blood Clots are also risks, but you are past many of these issues.

After a period of time, you will need to tell his mother to let loose and return to a normal life. It might be to soon to draw the line in the sand and your customs, lifestyle, etc. will be much different.

Best wishes!

John

 

[Gemma]

Thanks John,
Wow - 12 hours!!! I can't begin to imagine how that must have been for you. I wasn't actually at the hospital during Jim's operation (long story short - it was at 8 am, the hospital was a 45 min drive away, his parents insisted I waited and went with them when he was back in ICU - didn't get there until 4pm despite being told at 2pm we could go in. Still get upset thinking about it sometimes but no doubt he doesn't remember a thing!).
Anyway, I think part of the problem is that Jim's mum is retired so is always round the house anyway! His dad is retired also but has a more laid-back approach, prefers to go in the garage and do his own thing or visit friends.
Don't want you to get the wrong idea - Jim has been going for long walks every day, shopping (with me - I needed some retail therapy!) and out for a couple of meals - so it's not like he's trapped in the house. He's also been building a new mountain bike which, weather permitting, will be getting a trial run (on flat roads!) at the weekend. We even went away for a night last week and survived!!!
Just need everyone to chill out a bit I think. I know it's not the end of Jim's recovery, but I hope we've reached a stage where we don't need to be constantly expecting something terrible to happen.
Maybe it's because of all the lovely people on these forums that I'm able to be a bit more calm - Jim's mum has only really had what the doctors have told her (incidentally, she is a technophobe before any of you suggest she registers - can't even set the video recorder by her own admission!) so I can see why it must be scary for her.
We'll see -maybe when she sees Jim driving around more and stuff she'll relax a bit. Fingers crossed!

 

[ALCapshaw2]

Gemma,

How about printing out some of the more pertinent posts describing recovery or letting Jim's mum read some online with you? Hopefully she will come around as she sees how he is improving.

Alternatively, maybe she could go with him on one of his checkups and have the DOC tell here to calm down, he will be OK.

'AL'

 

[Nancy]

Hi Gemma-

This is a tricky situation, to say the least. Jim is her "baby" and always will be, and he's had some serious surgery. Jim can play a big part in giving his mother some confidence in how well he feels. He will soon feel smothered by the constant "surveillance", and will want some privacy for himself.

I also had a hard time getting away from Joe, even to go to the market. He had had so many freaky things happen very suddenly that I just wasn't comfortable. Gradually things improved. I also got a cell phone and when I am out of the house, Joe can contact me if there is anything amiss. I DO NOT call him to check up on him.

I would say, let Jim handle it with his mom. If you try to intervene, it might not set too well. But you could certainly offer him some suggestions for getting things back to almost normal. Maybe, if he can drive now, he could get away from mom for longer and longer periods of time.

Just keep remembering that everyone has been through a tremendous strain, and it will take some time for things to normalize.

 

[Gemma]

Nancy - she's got a cell phone!!!!!
Al - she's been to nearly all of Jim's doctor's appointments with him!!! (Except the cardio yesterday - just me, Jim and his dad!!!)......
Need I say more?
Just have to grin and bear it for now

 

[Michelle]

Being a mother does funky things to ya sometimes..... Time will help and I agree with Nancy, Jim will handle it as needed. You seem very sweet in not being annoyed, but instead concerned for her. Good luck!