It's 5:30 AM and I've been awake for an two hours. Not by choice, mind you. I just can't get back to sleep. Don't you just hate it when your mind won't shut off?
So anyway, all this quietness has given me some time to reflect on things that are going on in my life. I thought I'd go ahead and share some of it.
First of all, I spent the last 30 minutes or so cleaning out my Inbox and Sent Mail in the PM section. As I did so, I couldn't help but read a few of the old messages to and from others in the group. And it reminded me once again that even though life has dealt me a difficult hand, I'm lucky to be in a position to make so many wonderful friends and offer the support and friendship they need. Some of them were only in contact for a little while, and others have become life-long friends, though we may not have met in person.
I also know that my unique situation has given me a different perspective on life than the vast majority. I feel like I am more cautious in making big decisions and tend to worry over things that most my age don't even think about. I was saying to my mother just yesterday that I can't imagine what it would be like to be unaware of one's heart beating at every moment. It baffles me that there are some people who have rhythm problems without even realizing it. If my heart so much as hiccups, I notice. And while it can be annoying at times, I am comforted by the fact that I can just pause and think about my heart and be able to take my pulse without putting my fingers an any pulse points whatsoever.
I also commented on how hard it is for me to know if I'm feeling "better" with the ICD wire fixed or not. I've spent my entire life adjusting to the energy I had before, making sure I found the easiest path to my destination, sans hills or stairs. So now I don't even think about trying out the stairs unless I'm forced to. I think the most interesting story to that effect is when I was going to school at UNT. I was able to walk that campus (which is somewhat hilly) without ever having to use a stair or walk up a hill, simply because I knew where the elevators were located in every building that had outside doors on multiple levels. For example, when walking from my dorm room to the Theatre building, I could enter the Union on the first floor, take the elevator to the third floor, and exit on the oposite side of the building, completely bipassing the hill in between. Who else has to plan their routes like that? But for me it was completely natural to do so.
Okay, so this post is a bit random. After all, it is early in the morning. You can't expect my mind to be functioning in a logical pattern. I guess I'm just saying that, even though people think I'm so "brave" or "strong" for going through everything I have, it's my "normal." I don't know anything else. Yes, I adjust my life to fit my limitations, but doesn't everyone? It's not that my life is any more difficult than the next guy's, it's just a different set of circumstances. What's easy for me to adjust to could be hard for someone else and vice versa. I'm not "brave." I'm not "strong." I'm just me. Yesterday Dr. DeVille said to me "I just love how easy going you are. You take everything with stride." My response was "What other choice do I have? If I get upset about every little thing I'm going to spend a lot of my life upset." Granted, it's not always that simple, and I DO get upset. But for now, I'm okay with me and all the stuff I've been put through. I'm not sure I could handle a "normal" life. I'm not even sure what that is...
So anyway, all this quietness has given me some time to reflect on things that are going on in my life. I thought I'd go ahead and share some of it.
First of all, I spent the last 30 minutes or so cleaning out my Inbox and Sent Mail in the PM section. As I did so, I couldn't help but read a few of the old messages to and from others in the group. And it reminded me once again that even though life has dealt me a difficult hand, I'm lucky to be in a position to make so many wonderful friends and offer the support and friendship they need. Some of them were only in contact for a little while, and others have become life-long friends, though we may not have met in person.
I also know that my unique situation has given me a different perspective on life than the vast majority. I feel like I am more cautious in making big decisions and tend to worry over things that most my age don't even think about. I was saying to my mother just yesterday that I can't imagine what it would be like to be unaware of one's heart beating at every moment. It baffles me that there are some people who have rhythm problems without even realizing it. If my heart so much as hiccups, I notice. And while it can be annoying at times, I am comforted by the fact that I can just pause and think about my heart and be able to take my pulse without putting my fingers an any pulse points whatsoever.
I also commented on how hard it is for me to know if I'm feeling "better" with the ICD wire fixed or not. I've spent my entire life adjusting to the energy I had before, making sure I found the easiest path to my destination, sans hills or stairs. So now I don't even think about trying out the stairs unless I'm forced to. I think the most interesting story to that effect is when I was going to school at UNT. I was able to walk that campus (which is somewhat hilly) without ever having to use a stair or walk up a hill, simply because I knew where the elevators were located in every building that had outside doors on multiple levels. For example, when walking from my dorm room to the Theatre building, I could enter the Union on the first floor, take the elevator to the third floor, and exit on the oposite side of the building, completely bipassing the hill in between. Who else has to plan their routes like that? But for me it was completely natural to do so.
Okay, so this post is a bit random. After all, it is early in the morning. You can't expect my mind to be functioning in a logical pattern. I guess I'm just saying that, even though people think I'm so "brave" or "strong" for going through everything I have, it's my "normal." I don't know anything else. Yes, I adjust my life to fit my limitations, but doesn't everyone? It's not that my life is any more difficult than the next guy's, it's just a different set of circumstances. What's easy for me to adjust to could be hard for someone else and vice versa. I'm not "brave." I'm not "strong." I'm just me. Yesterday Dr. DeVille said to me "I just love how easy going you are. You take everything with stride." My response was "What other choice do I have? If I get upset about every little thing I'm going to spend a lot of my life upset." Granted, it's not always that simple, and I DO get upset. But for now, I'm okay with me and all the stuff I've been put through. I'm not sure I could handle a "normal" life. I'm not even sure what that is...
.
