Bad day depression wise!

[67walkon]

Some days are difficult. This was one of them. Even though I don't have any real major symptoms like so many of you have, I can't do the things I normally like to do. Work is difficult because I have a hard time focusing. I was kind of mean to my wife when we were walking the dogs, and it was nothing she did. It is just a bad day.

My surgery isn't until July 6. I think I'm pretty safe, and the docs seem to think so, but the waiting is awful. Some days I want to get it over with. Some days I want to postpone it. Every day I want to be normal again, which I never was and never will be with this stuff.

I trust in God to have a plan for me. It may be what I want or it may not be. That old "your will, not mine, be done" thing. But some days are really, really tough.

It is hard to vent to loved ones or friends because unless someone is in a life threatening situation, they just can't really understand. So, this is my vent, and now I feel better!

Thanks to whoever it is that hosts this forum!

John

 

[MaryC]

John,
I am sure other VR.COM members will be right behind me who had a similar experiences as me, although everyone's experience is different. The waiting for surgery was worse for me than the actual surgery and recovery. My mind could dream up some of the worst scenarios for me to ponder. Adrienne, from VR.COM put me in touch with a woman who went through the same surgery as I was going through, same surgeon and hospital. After hearing her story it gave me a positive image most of the time. The old dreary thoughts would creep in occasionally but they were the exception. Here's my experience: The tube was out before I woke up (or at least before I could become aware of it.) There was no pain to speak of because the hospital and staff did a great job of helping me manage it. I have had a couple of bumps in the road to recovery since I came home that weekend but nothing major. In fact, I am taking up bike riding effective yesterday! I am thinking of riding 50 miles in a bike ride called the 'Hotter n' Hell' in August. Newly repaired heart, new life!

Good luck in a few weeks. You will be glad to get over the mountain. By the way, I am a good cheerleader. My sister may be having the same surgery in a few with the same surgeon.

 

[Ross]

Vent away John, that's why were here. Family and friends try to understand us, but they have no clue unless they've been in our shoes before. Waiting is a killer, but it will happen when it's time to happen. No amount of rushing or holding back will change it. Concentrate on being well again. Once it's over, set those plans into action as soon as you possibly can.

 

[Phyllis]

John,
I think most on the forum will agree- the waiting is much harder than the surgery. Many find a feeling of peace as they enter those hospital doors on surgery day and I wish you that same feeling. Your wife will forgive- we mates, SO's and family members know how hard it is! You WILL be normal again, not only normal, but much better than you are now.

 

[KatieD]

John,

Believe me, I understand exactly where you're at. This has been the most stressful few months of my life, especially the last couple of weeks. My brother had mitral valve replacement in Sept 2006 and my sister (MaryC) had surgery in February 2007.

Having the same condition and similar heart measurements to my sister, I went to my regular cardo appointment in January expecting to be told I needed surgery. Instead my cardio told me I was "no where near" surgery. I was able to talk to my sister's surgeon while I was at her surgery and he indicated a possible need based on what I told him. He later did a telephone consult with me, but had problems viewing the CD of my echo I sent him. He told me he needed to see a TEE.

I got a new cardio and scheduled for a TEE. I told them in advance the records were for Dr. Ryan and that they needed to talk to him to make sure they got what he needed. I don't know if they ever did. Two weeks after the TEE I was still trying to get the CD sent to him. In the mean time I saw a local surgeon of my new cardio's choice and he told me I definitely am ready for surgery and made it sound pretty bad. I was lucky enough to get Dr. Ryan's assistant to put me on his surgery schedule for June 19th even though he hasn't officially seen my records.

I got confirmation that he got the CD last Thursday, but still haven't not gotten a phone call from him. Needless to say, today was one of the most stressful of my life as I watch the price of airline tickets go up and "only so many seats left available" (I'm traveling with my son and two kids) tagged on available tickets. I'm unable to tell anyone at work about this (other than my boss and my assistant) until I have absolute confirmation from Dr. Ryan.

As you can see, I have no problems venting. My wonderful husband is very patient and willing to do whatever he needs to get me through this. I guess after twenty-three years of marriage he's pretty well used to it by now!

I, like you, appreciate this site so much. It has been a great comfort as I wait to get through this. I'm ready to be with my brother and sister on the other side of this thing!

 

[Adrienne]

I certainly understand about the waiting period. What was particularly bad about the waiting for me was that I did not have a date set up in advance. At the Montreal Heart Institute, the schedules are made up for the surgeons on a weekly basis. Now, what was even worse about that is that in August I had A-Fib, finally went to the ER of the Heart Institute, was hospitalized and would have had the operation the next week while already in the hospital (I was considered an emergency as I was beginning CHF), but the surgeon I had already spoken to (same hospital) whom I trusted immensely, was going to Belgium for two weeks (there is a sort of exchange with a hospital in Belgium) and I did not want any other surgeon to do the surgery. So, after a cardioversion, I was put on all these disgusting medications, including Amiodarone (the A word). Of course I was put on Coumadin. I spoke to the surgeon before he left for Belgium, and he said that I would be called 3 days before the date of surgery so that I could stop my Coumadin. Well, I waited with baited breath by the phone. I also remember snapping at my husband because I was so depressed. I knew that if I wasn?t called on a Friday that it meant that not only I wouldn?t have the operation on Monday, but I would not have it on Tuesday or Wednesday because I had to be called at least 3 days in advance, and they don?t call during the weekend. Anyhow, they finally called on Monday, October 17 and said to be at the hospital at 2:00 p.m. on October 19. I spent the night on the 19th and had the operation on the 20th. Although knowing that Monday that it was really going to happen in a few days was somewhat terrifying, it was also a great relief. Then when I woke up (breathing tube and all) and heard the good news, that was the greatest relief of my life!

All this rambling is just to say that I understand how depressing it is waiting.

 

[brd]

coincidence?

coincidence?

John, A minute before reading your email I had pressed Send on an email to my best friend. In it I did something I never do and that was to describe how terrible I felt today. I'm in the Waiting Room too. Today I felt frustrated, discouraged, fearful and hopeless. I think physically I don't feel well and the humidity of last week wore me out.

This forum, though I don't write very much, I read all the time. It is where I usually find hope and strength. After reading yours just now and some of the replys I feel better. Not glad, of course, that you had a bad day too but rather that it's "normal" and that all our friends here who have been down the path before us validate our fears and give us hope.

Sending prayers your way. Barbara

 

[musician2k]

I had my AVR last July (of 2006) and the waiting prior to it was awful. So, like many many other people here we really know what you're going through. The surgery itself wasn't a walk in the park for me. There were issues but what they say about the waiting is rather true....it's the hardest thing psychologically, for sure. Afterward, there are these medicines they give you and you really don't care about too much. My advice is to TRY to enjoy some things that might be harder to enjoy afterwards....if your appetite is decent, try to eat some good food. If you can stand it socially, have some friends or family over for a cook out. I'll think of some other things, and add them. Feel free to PM me if you wish. Trust me, we know how it feels!

 

[liam13]

Walkon, you so caught what is going on inside me today as I wait for my next echo to get moving on the surgery. Going in five directions at once, and feeling bummed out in everyone of them. This is hard. Liam

 

[Guest]

John,

You are NOT alone in all of your feelings and experiences and outbursts....

Thoughts/prayers coming your way....



Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker
PICS:lego.HO.model.MCinfo.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"Who's gonna hold me tonight?" ... Trace Adkins ... 'Help Me Understand'

 

[Adam 12-21-05]

John,

Great share!

Really. I know that may sound odd.

But, it's a good thing to vent and get inputs from the VR.com team that let you know that you are not alone.

When I was recovering from my aortic valve replacement, I hit rock bottom in cardiac depression. I had issues with Vicodin, sleep, pain... You name it.

During this time, I started to do some research on the dirty little secret of cardiac surgery. Statistics show that between 35-70% of all patients experience some form of depression. It can be immediate. And, it can be delayed. It can be endless gloom and it can be mild.

A couple quick questions for you...

Are you in cardiac rehab?

Are you seeing anyone (therapy)?

Are you still on the pain meds?

If you get a chance, let us know.

Wishing you well,

Adam

 

[Philip B]

Depressed?

Depressed?

As others have stated, the depression stuff is pretty normal. I only had a wait of three weeks before surgery and there were days that were pretty bad.

It really is difficult for people who are not facing or have not had heart surgery to understand what we go through. Still, I think it's a good thing to express your feelings and concerns to those who really care about you and want to support you. A lot of my employees visited with me prior to my surgery. They were genuinely concerned and had lots of questions about my heart problem. Answering their questions probably helped me get my head around the surgery as much as it helped them with their concerns.

Continuing to engage in physical activity prior to surgery helped me a lot. I actually spent the week before surgery playing golf with my wife in Mexico. The trip relieved a huge amount of stress. The only stresser came late in the trip when a condo salesman insisted on showing me the huge scar on his chest and described having emergency bypass surgery in a South American country about twelve years ago. After reflecting on the condo guy's horror story I realized that if he could survive OHS in what amounted to a third world country my chances of a successful outcome in the U.S. in a state-of- the-art medical facilty with an excellent heart surgeon were pretty darn good.

Your chances of an excellent outcome are pretty darn good too! Hang in there!

-Philip

 

[catwoman]

John:

I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same feelings pre-op & post-op 4 years ago with my MV replacement. I was also feeling very crappy, which didn't help my emotional state.

However, knowing that depression is not uncommon among OHS patients helped me. And knowing that I would get through it helped immensely.

My husband had MV repair 4 weeks ago and I think the waiting was hard on both of us. John had a post-op checkup yesterday (see post under Post-Surgery), and told the surgeon's staff that his experience was much less traumatic than he had expected.

 

[briansmom]

Listening to vents is a big part of what this forum is about. It seems very difficult for most of us to vent to our SO's. Everyone on this forum, however, can understand exactly what you are going through. So feel free to vent and take solace that you are perfectly "normal".

 

[67walkon]

And today is a good day! Thanks for all the encouragement.

It seems like it doesn't take much to push one over the edge in this pre-surgery mode, and it is probably the same post surgery.

I think 3 independent factors contributed to it being a bad day. I was tired from doing yard work Sunday. Mondays I usually go to the gym at lunch time, and I've continued doing that, even though I have been instructed to lift nothing heavier than 40 pounds and not to push my HR; it hardly feels like a workout, but it's better than nothing and will help me recover better.

The 3d and probably worst thing was this coming weekend is the start of the Bicycle Ride Across Georgia (BRAG). It is a week long bike ride from the west side of Georgia to the east side, about 500 miles with planned detours. I signed up for it months ago and trained really diligently for months and months. When they did the CT scan and saw the dilated aorta, BRAG became a no go. Some other guys I know are getting ready to go up there.

I think I just sort of decided yesterday that life wasn't real pretty. It is hard to focus on work, I can't do a lot of things I want to do and used to do.

But reading everyone's sympathetic posts really helps. I did an easy hour long bike ride this morning, which I am still permitted to do. I'm much better today and I hope it lasts for a while this time!

John

 

[Granbonny]

John

John

I am glad you feel better today....There will be many more bike rides in your post-op future.......The most important thing to try to remember..that you will likely have post-op depression, too.....if you are so active. Post-op surgery takes a long time to heal..(Count on at least 3 months to get your sternum, bones, ect. back into their old place )...You cannot rush your healing..one day at a time...bad days, good days, ect.......If you overdo it..your body will tell you the next day. ...........I was lucky that I only had to wait the weekend out for my surgery on Monday.........but, I became depressed after 3 weeks..when I could not go and see my Grandson play Little league ball...so when I told my family, they took me down to watch him..Long walk to field, cold night, ect. and he only ran over for a few minutes to see me. Wanted to get back to the game...after that, I didn't have the guilty feeling anymore..and just waited my recovery out to go and see him play again......Trying to say..don't get depressed because you cannot do things so soon after surgery..You will get there. Bonnie

 

[rgmcguire]

John: I know exactly how your feeling. I've been in shock ever since I got the news about my mitral valve. I have my good days and my bad days. I'm so glad that this website is here for us. I know that you and the rest of us here will get through it all. I'm adding everyone here to my prayer list. One day at a time.

Bob