Anyone obsessed about dying?

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blessed1416

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 24, 2005
Messages
140
Location
Alabama
Michelle started a very interesting thread about being more spiritual after OHS. I've enjoyed reading everyone's responses and realized how diverse our little community is here at VR.com. But as I was responding to her post, I started to mention this obsession I have about death. I didn't want to steer the topic away from its focus, so I didn't mention it then. I don't mean to sound morbid or anything, but I just have this strong feeling that I might not live to see my grandchildren. I just had my yearly echo and everything looked great. I can't say that I feel better after both surgeries, as a matter of fact, I feel quite worse. I still tire easily. I walk at least 30 minutes a day and try to eat right. But I just can't get back to the same activity level I was prior to surgery. I live my life as if it was my last day. This is a subject that I can't talk to anyone else about. I can't talk to my husband because it would scare him. I try to think positively and I know that God will fullfill His purpose for me before I leave. But there is this cloud of doubt that hangs over my head each day. So, I thought I would express my thoughts to you and see if anyone else can relate or maybe I am just being too negative.
Thanks so much for listening to me and allowing me to get this off my chest.
 
Was obsessed once but no longer. When I first diagnosed and then had my first OHS, I never thought I would live very long. Nothing the doctors told me made a difference. Then I started to make goals. The first was to live to 35 (not sure why that age) - made it. The next was, of course, the big 40 - made it. The next was to make it to see the turn of the century - one I was sure I would never make - made it. Went to my nephew's high school graduation, saw my niece make a regional basketball team, had some bad times and lots, oh lots of great times.

I no longer make long term goals, not because I don't believe I will achieve them, but rather to focus on the daily experiences that I was missing worrying about dying.

I think it is perfectly normal to worry about dying when you have gone through what we all have. Even people who have not gone through OHS worry about dying. However, focusing on living is much more important and so very dear.

You will get past this in time.
 
While I wouldn't say I was obsessed with dying I certainly think about the possibility more than other people my age who have no serious medical conditions. (I'm 38). It just doesn't occur to most of my friends that something could happen to them. I know rationally that I have a very good chance of surviving my OHS when I have it but the odds always say 1 in 50 or 1 in 100 and I guess I think what if I am the 1 :(

On a positive note - being more aware of my mortality makes me enjoy each day more and certainly has enhanced my relationships with my spouse, child and family as I really appreciate them :)
 
Anyone who goes thru OHS will naturally have those thoughts. Try not to dwell on dying, it ain't your call. I spent a lot of time (way too much time) with those thoughts and it hasn't come to pass yet. I also set my life expectancy. First it was 50, then 60, then 65, then I stopped counting. It has finally dawned on me that I simply do not know when my time will be up. I have seen my sons grow up, also my four grandchildren and now the birth of a great-grandson. In my case, I don't believe I would have seen any of them grow up had I not had the surgery. There is life after OHS !!
 
Nope

Nope

Having known about my valve all my life it has never been something i dwelled on ALTHOUGH i have always thought that if i get to 65yrs old i'd be happy with that.

I will spend time in my life worrying about things that i have some form of control over but this is not one of those things.

I could drop down dead in the middle of typing this sentence from an electric shock from the PC powerlead so worrying about my valve is not worth the brain power it wastes.

Watch 'Final Destination' (The original movie), if your cards up, its up...:D
 
Yes

Yes

Ever since my first surgery death has never been far from my mind. I have a somewhat philosophically inquisitive mind so the "big questions" have never been far from my thoughts. There have been an almost innumerable amount of excellent literary works that deal with one's realization of their own mortality -- I could send you some suggestions if you are interested (I even have credentials since one of my majors in college was English Lit). Other than that I don't have any advice, but wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Brad
 
Before and after surgery, I had similiar thoughts about death being near and felt certain that my time was very limited. My surgery was almost three years ago, and although I still remind myself from time to time of how short life really is, these thoughts are so much less frequent. Ironically, this past fall while driving in rush hour traffic into the city for a cardiologist visit, I was completely stopped in traffic in the next to far right lane on a six lane freeway and looked into my rearview mirror just in time to see a car within tens of feet, traveling 65mph, quickly change lanes into mine and about to plow into me. I felt certain my time had come and looked forward and up into the sky...kinda calm actually. Somehow the car swerved at the last possible second and inches from what I thought was a certain crash....the physics demanded it but somehow I escaped! At that moment, I felt there must be a reason for me to live, and since this incident, I no longer think of death as looming around the corner. Many years ago my father used to remind me of a quote from Jesus, "death will come like a thief in the night"...we can't predict death...no need to worry.
 
I have probably lived longer after surgery than just about anyone here having gone through open heart surgery, since my first surgery was in March of 1959. I often thought through the years I would not make it past 40, well I just had my 2nd OHS this past July (age 52), and I expect to live for a long time yet, so I guess the answer is that I don't fear death, but I am not planning on it anytime soon and I do not dwell on it.
 
I no longer feel, or act, as invincible as I did before. Even as I drove myself to the hospital the day of my OHS, I still didn't really comprehend what I was about to go through. As I've mentioned before I had never been seriously sick or injured ever before. The closest thing I could relate to was getting my impacted wisdom teeth out. Death wasn't on my mind, but rather how long I'd be laid up and whether this would impact a motorcyle trip I had planned in the summer. It wasn't until after I woke up post-op that it hit me just how significant and life altering this was.

Since my OHS I've come to realize my own mortality, and that the path of life you think you're on can take a detour at any moment. That said, I can't say I'm obsessed with death, but rather have come to better appreciate the little things in life. I've also come to understand I have limitations, that I can't do everything, so I have been trying to find better balance.
 
the gift of facing our mortality

the gift of facing our mortality

Hello Blessed,
My name is Randy and I haven't been on for awhile, but have been compelled to get on for the last couple of days. I too have strong faith in God and yet since surgery and even since my diagnosis have had many thoughts on my mortality. As time has gone on I have called it a gift to my family and friends. I was a guy who had most of his priorities pretty much in order, but we all get obsessed with work and life stuff that in the long run are important but aren't the most important. Knowing that my aneurysm was a big deal and that I had to wait awhile for the surgeon of my choice I ended up setting my house in order and even wrote down some thoughts on a funeral for my wife if it came to that. Some thought this morbid, but it was the best thing that ever happend to me in my adult life. I had thoughts like what would they say about me in a eulogy. Have I loved the family and friends God has blessed me with to the fullest of my potential. Have I used the gifts and talents I have in a way that glorifies God. These thoughts changed me and made me stop worrying so much and living more. There are only so many hours in a day but I am trying to use them in a way that I can be all that I can be. 2 things have changed in my daily life. I don't waste myt time with the news. The world is in God's hands and I am just me living here trying to do my best. Worrying about everyone else and all the chaos just tioes me up in knots. The other things is that I am more focussed on each day and loving the friends and family that are a part of my life in a more focussed manner. I thought of another thing. When stress comes knockin' on my door, like a co-worker blowin their top, I don't let it build like I use to. I just walk away and give things to God and go on doing my best. That leads me to a creed i try to live by. Do your best, pray that it is blessed, and let God take care of the rest. I hope that your thoughts on death continue to take you in a positive direction not a negative one. It is okay to think on it as long as work the thing back to knowing that God is in control and i am just here living my life everyday doing my best to love those given to me.

Have a blessed day today.

Randy
 
As more time goes by, more and More things are happening and I have to say yes, I think about much more then I used too.
 
i am way past youth, like most of you are not, so I know that death could be along before too long. I have seen the deaths of my brother and sister in the last couple of years and wondered why I am still here, as I was always the one who was sickly and they weren't and I expected to precede them. I suppose its as said above, it is not ours to question, but is in God's great plan. My children, my sister's children and my other sister grew up together and are close in age. After the unnatural death of my sister and the long illness of my brother, maybe God left me to pick up their pieces and glue all these children back together again, kind of like being the mother for them all until they can repair?

I am ready to go but am not homesick.
 
I can't say I would use the word obsessed but while I was having a therapy session prior to my pericardectomy I had a complete total feeling that I would die in 10 years. I shared that with the therapist and always remembered that overwhelming feeling that came over me. I sometime have overwhelming feelings and do take notice of them since they somehow seem to come true. Forward 10 years later and having my 4th ablation for extreme afib, they were trying so hard to find the culprit when a little dye (which I am highly allergic to) leaked into the right corornary artery and dissected the entire artery. I had a massive heart attack and flat lined for 4 minutes. Before the procedure I did tell the EP doctors that if they used dye I felt I was going to die. That was another overwhelming feeling before I went in. Needless to say it did come true BUT I never waited long enough after having the feeling 10 years prior that I would come back from it. Guess I should have waited it out before freaking out.
 
You've gotten some really thoughtful answers here. I would just add that OHS certainly focuses our attention on our mortality, which is something we all have to face sooner or later anyway. And that can be a positive thing. I certainly think more about life's big questions now than I did before I was scheduled for OHS. And I try to take good care of myself. At the same time, I try not to obsess about what I cannot control, and the length of my time on this Earth is certainly among those. I stay busy in self-employment, plus I appreciate my children's accomplishments, delight in my grandchildren's development, enjoy music and sports, and love to play with and walk my yellow lab. Find serenity in all there is that is good in life.
 
What is dying, then? My father is 87 years old. He has dementia....or pump-head. Did the triple by-pass 10 years ago save him, or buy him a ticket to forgetfulness. He is set up in a continuing care community. He has his own apartment...I hire out companionship, cleaning, some personal services. Pretty much, he's holding his own in his protected little space. But I had to take down the pictures of his grandchildren the other day. He didn't know who they were and the pictures upset him. They cherish him; my children. He was the only grandparent who lived in town and he was instrumental in their upbringing. I am his only child, so they are his only grandchilden. I'm not sure he really knew who I was. That will happen more often now. Soon, the man I knew will be dead; yet his body will continue on for who knows how long.

This is the man whose bumper sticker read, "don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent!" This is the person whose gift to me was his eternal optimism (some here have commented on my optimism...it is from this man). As we drove along somewhere the other day, I asked him how he felt about not remembering his own grandchildren. He just said, "oh, I just live in the moment, now". So while his memories are gone, his intellect is still manufacturing ways to cope. So one person dies, another emerges. I have to accept this. I love him too much not to.

Does this really address your question? I'm trying to -- by pointing out that death comes in so many forms. And hearing so many of these answers, points us to the direction of love conquering all. I would suggest that there is love around you that you are not tapping in to.....that you are not recognizing.....that you have put aside. If you fill your heart with love (and we all have different choices for what we love), and you acknowledge this love in you (and a love for yourself is so important, too!) those cumbersome feelings of death will be more manageable.....and maybe even completely disappear.

Sometimes talking with a professional can give you a much needed path away from your burdens. If you wonder if you are being too negative, then perhaps you are...I mean....only you can compare what you think is right for you. Don't hesitate to speak to your general doctor about this...they may offer counselling. If they offer you an anti-depressant, insist on some counselling from a professional to go along with it. Those two VERY helpful actions should work in tandem.

I have changed since my surgery 10 months ago. I'm still trying to put my finger on what it is that has changed........ I can't really figure it out just yet.

Thanks for starting this thread. I think it is a very honest and important thing to be sharing. Good luck as you work your way through this.

Marguerite
 
These are very inspiring posts. Thank you all. I'm a tad bit obsessed right now, my son's surgery is in 13 days + 18 hrs....
Though, I have to agree with all of you. My attitude toward life has changed since my son's first surgeries last summer. I also take that as a positive. I am desperately trying to focus on the positives right now.
 
I think I changed after my second open heart surgery and stopped obssessing over dying, I was so happy to have made it thru the second operation which lasted 10 1/2 hours. Its normal for everyone to go thru those feelings. God bless you and give you the courage to ride this journey we call life. You are NOT alone...

Alicia
 
When I had my surgery 6 years ago, I rarely thought about death. The surgery had to be done, but the degradation was slow and I scheduled ahead and I found a good surgeon and planned to get better. I knew what was expected from this site. I was definitely nervous about the surgery, but believed strongly thAt I would survive.

Recently, I found out I have an aneurysm along the suture where the valve was replaced. This has a somewhat unpredictable outcome (from what I read) and I don't have enough facts or information yet. So, I am obsessing about death each day and wonder if the last day is coming soon.
 
no I don't obsess about it..
I actually look forward to it (Someday).. B/C I know I will be in the presence of My Lord.
Until then.. I will enjoy what I have.. and try to make the best of it today..because In reality... It is all any of us have:)
 
I am riding the other side of the coin. I am obsessed with living. Making each day all that it can be. Enjoying each love, each laugh. I hope I go out with a big freaking grin on my face:D

Tom
 
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