Whether to leave letters to spouse and sons 'just in case' or not??

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R

rogerbid

Member
Joined
May 15, 2017
Messages
11
Location
Melbourne, Australia
Hi everyone,

I am so glad I have found this community. I am waiting for a surgery date to repair (or replace) the mitral valve and have no idea when this will be. I have already had my pre-admission clinic at the hospital so I guess it will not be too long now.

I have not slept well recently and while I do not think I am especially fearful of the possible outcome I feel as though my subconscious is terrified! I tend to wake in the early hours and then have trouble getting off to sleep again.

One of the recurring thoughts that dominate these waking hours is whether I should leave letters for my wife and sons to open in the event something goes wrong.

Is it defeatist to even think of such things, and has anyone done this?

​​​I 'write' these letters in my mind as Iie awake but can't bring myself to actually write them. (I will need to find a friend to take custody of the letters until the final outcome is known as to hand them over in advance would be like admitting my fear of the unknown.)

I would like to know if anyone else has struggled with this question and what decision was made.

Thanks for reading my post, and best wishes to all,

Roger
 
Hi Roger - that idea did cross my mind briefly before I had aortic valve replacement just over three years ago. I dispelled the idea as overly morbid and, although morbid thoughts naturally cross our minds before this type of surgery, I didn't think it was 'healthy' to go into surgery morbidly, but rather more thinking of when I got out the other side in recovery and so I made plans for that. What I did do thoough was get a nice card with my husband's name on it and wrote I love you forever inside - I placed that card in the small case I took with me to hospital, thinking that if the unlikely happened he would find it. When I was fine after surgery I tore the card up (though I do love my husband forever !).

The kind of anxiety you are experiencing is only very understandable and it might be a good idea to talk to your GP - they will be only too happy to prescribe anti anxiety medication and sleeping medication which may help you through this difficult period.

I often still wake around 3 or 4 am - am anxious about problems with my repacement valve at the moment - was awake from 3.30 am onwards this morning. I generally make a decaf drink and then try to resettle - that didn't help last night but doing that sometimes does switch my mind away from worrisome thoughts. It's really quite noticeable how in the middle of the night one's thoughts are very much more negative than at any other time.
 
Hard for someone else to answer that for you. I wrote letters for them both, on paper and video. I did it because my son was only 8 when I had my surgery and I don't remember a lot from that age. I didn't expect them to be needed but as they say **** happens. It didn't make me feel more negative about the likely outcome of my surgery and maybe this isn't the best thing to say out here but I've had a few relatives of mine die in the hospital or shortly after leaving post surgery. I looked at it like insurance, you don't plan on using it but that doesn't stop people from getting it.I figure better to have it and not need it then need it and not have it.
 
You want to write that letter, otherwise you wouldn't be asking. So, write the letter. That way you're not up at night worrying about writing the letter. You'll find some peace putting your thoughts to paper. That way you might not need 'anti anxiety' medications. Come to think of it, no one needs benzodiazepine withdrawals in ICU, post-op. They might offer you something just before and after the operation, strictly short-term, so you don't get hooked.

The reality is you'll be fine, but your anxiety is perfectly normal. Writing is therapeutic.
 
Had an AVR three weeks ago and did write a"Just in case" letter. Was happy to do it after discussion with wife. Everyone is different and with our situatation we both thought some guidance going forward would be helpful just due to the complexity of things.
 
It did cross my mind as I have a 5 and 9 year old, but I could never know what to write, I would've needed more time to think of all the things I wanted to say. I had so much to do in preparation before surgery, I decided that was too big of a task to worry about. I had my mitral valve repair and aortic valve replacement 10 days ago and I'm glad I didn't stress over writing those. But if you have the time and know what you want to say, by all means! Everyone is so different.
 
On this I agree with Agian. It seems it's something you want to do so do it. Some may say don't but I figured 'just in case'. Then when you get home you can throw it out or keep it.
 
Agian;n876797 said:
Come to think of it, no one needs benzodiazepine withdrawals in ICU, post-op. They might offer you something just before and after the operation, strictly short-term, so you don't get hooked..
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Oh I only meant for on a strictly as needed basis when anxiety gets really bad. I don’t know about the US but here in the UK a person can only get a prescription for a few benzodiazepines at a time as docs are very concerned that people don’'t get addicted. About five weeks before I had surgery my GP prescribed me a few 1mg tablets of lorazepam, but only to take half or one when things got too bad, I would never have taken them on a daily basis, not for fear of addiction but because they do have unwanted side effects, for example transient amnesia which I didn’'t like at all. I probably took half a 1mg tablet once every two or three days when anxiety too bad to cope with, that’'s all. One time I ran out and my own GP was away so I had to see a locum GP at our practice - he would only give me a prescription for 3 of the 1mg tablets, not because he was worried I’'d be addicted but because “"I don’'t know you and you might sell them on the street”" LOL They're not that good, hardly describe them as happy pills, they just took the edge of extreme anxiety, that's all !
 
Thanks everyone for your welcome responses. I shall make an attempt at putting my thoughts on paper and see how it turns out.

I feel that I have my fears fairly well under control but, not knowing how long it will be before my op, the waiting might get the better of me.

Thanks for understanding and taking the time to reply. I am so glad I found this community.

Best wishes to one and all,

Roger
 
Paleowoman;n876811 said:
... he would only give me a prescription for 3 of the 1mg tablets, not because he was worried I’'d be addicted but because “"I don’'t know you and you might sell them on the street”" LOL They're not that good, hardly describe them as happy pills, they just took the edge of extreme anxiety, that's all !
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I heard you were a kingpin in one of the major drug cartels.
 
I didn't write letters per se, but I made sure my children knew where to find my personal effects for taking care of business in case I did not survive. I also verbally told everyone I spoke with that the worst that could happen was that I would get to be with my late husband, and other loved ones including an infant son, again.

Of course, one doesn't have to wait until one is facing major surgery to take such steps. Tragedies occur daily.
 
I personally feel this is a morbid though and going in with morbid thoughts only fuel a sense of fear...you have to live your life..its very simple, you cant live your life in fear..
 
ashadds, it wasn't a sense of fear that prompted my actions but rather my desire to be in control as much as possible, as if I can control what happens after I die :)

Edited to add: Also, I've faced life-altering tragic events including the sudden death of my husband at (his) age 49, and the death of my 10-hour old son due to multiple birth defects. For me, it is life-affirming, not morbid, to make sure my family knows that I love them and am not afraid of dying so they will be at peace when I am not here. But I agree that you cannot live your life in fear.
 
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ashadds;n876852 said:
I personally feel this is a morbid though and going in with morbid thoughts only fuel a sense of fear...you have to live your life..its very simple, you cant live your life in fear..
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I disagree. I didn't consider it living in fear. Death during my surgery was unlikely but a 1 in 50 chance isn't exactly mega millions lottery odds. You consider it morbid , I consider it facing reality. Do you have kids? If I died I wanted my 8 year old to have something from me telling him my thoughts and what he meant to me. I filed it away months before my surgery and it had ZERO negative effects in regard to the operation. I'm sure you didn't mean to come off that way but your comment seemed judgemental. What's right for you might not be right for everyone. Just a thought.
 
I wrote letters. I bought special paper and wrote letters for each of their their birthdays for the next 5 or 7 years (they were 6 and 8 at the time), then age 18, getting married, and one in case I died. I originally intended to write letters up until age 18 but I wrote them the night before, and also worked finishing up some items for my job until 1 am (and had to leave for the hospital at 430). I must have secretly been confident that I would make it! Now, I give them the letters on each birthday. I also left letters for them as I left that morning.
 
cldlhd;n876867 said:
I disagree. I didn't consider it living in fear. Death during my surgery was unlikely but a 1 in 50 chance isn't exactly mega millions lottery odds. You consider it morbid , I consider it facing reality. Do you have kids? If I died I wanted my 8 year old to have something from me telling him my thoughts and what he meant to me. I filed it away months before my surgery and it had ZERO negative effects in regard to the operation. I'm sure you didn't mean to come off that way but your comment seemed judgemental. What's right for you might not be right for everyone. Just a thought.
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I am sorry I also don't agree with you . I don't like yo think negatively and even if I die I won't know it ! I will refuse such thoughts. You would not even understand how it is for me going in without a family . Iam 26 and single , you may be married so I don't care if you think i am judgmental it's my opinion . I want to start my family and be with them for a long time . I really hope to start a family and be with them for a long time
 
Op Iam giving an opinion and it's my own . Go on with positive thoughts .write if it's positive but don't be morbid and talk about death and risks . It makes everyone uneasy who need it
 
ashadds;n876910 said:
I am sorry I also don't agree with you . I don't like yo think negatively and even if I die I won't know it ! I will refuse such thoughts. You would not even understand how it is for me going in without a family . Iam 26 and single , you may be married so I don't care if you think i am judgmental it's my opinion . I want to start my family and be with them for a long time . I really hope to start a family and be with them for a long time
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Yes ,your opinion. You stated you don't have any family maybe the OP does. I agree that if I die I won't even know it but if you look at it from someone else's perspective you might realize that for some people it isn't always about "I, me, me" . It's not morbid to think death is a possibility when going in for OHS. It's facing reality. I wrote what I wanted long before my surgery and it didn't mean I was going in thinking I was going to die. It was a relief to know that if it happened my son would have a letter from me that he could read when he's older as his memories of me fade.
 
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