What do I tell my 6 yearold?

[danielgilboa]

My surgery is in 2 weeks time. I suddenly realized it is comming up and soon. We have 5 boys but I am realy concerned with the 2 younger ones 6 and 2. The 2 yearold guy doesn't realy understand the details so that leaves me with Galy my 6 yearold. He is a very bright and delicate type. He learned lots of anatomy from kid biology books so I can't mess around with him.
I am scared of telling him what they are going to do to daddy. He might be terrified and deeply hurt. I am deeply concerned about him and how this can affect him.
We decided to talk to him and the younger gangster about a week before so we have some time to put our strategy together. The older ones know long ago.
Any one with similar experience?

 

[catwoman]

Daniel:

I am not a parent, but I can understand the delicate nature of wanting to prepare children for the hospitalization and surgery of a parent.
Some ideas:
Check with your children's pediatrician. Perhaps he/she has some advice on how to explain things to young minds. And how to reassure them that everything will be done to make sure you will be as good as new afterward.
Perhaps your cardiologist can also give you some suggestions. He or she may have other parents in the same position and have had to counsel them.
Maybe the hospital has someone special who can give your sons a "mini-tour" so they can see pre-op where you will be staying at the hospital and can explain in child's terms that you are going in for a "fix-up" job on your heart.

Good luck on your surgery and preparing your children for your surgery. Do let us know how you handled it, so that others can benefit when they need to explain upcoming OHS to their children/grandchildren/nieces/nephews/etc.

 

[fyrfytr]

Hi Daniel,
This is something you guys are going to have to decide on what you are going to tell your son.
I have a 5 year old grandson and he was 4 at the time of my surgery. My son told Peyton what the doctors were going to do to Poppi so his heart would be better. I think he understood it just fine. The first thing he wanted to do when he saw me in the hospital was see my scar. Now everytime we see him, he always asks how my heart is doing.
I hope this helps you out.
Take Care

 

[Raverlaw]

I think that most children are naturally curious and want to know what is going to happen. The level of detail you provide is up to you, because you know best what your child can handle. The best suggestion I can give is to put a positive spin on it. "The doctors are going to fix Daddy's heart so that he will be well" is really what your son is going to want to hear. If you're getting an artificial valve, he will be fascinated with the novelty of it and will want to hear it "tick."

I think that if you are upbeat about having surgery, your children will be, too. The tour idea is a good one, so long as your child is not one who is scared of new or strange looking places.

Good luck with your surgery, Daniel. We'll be thinking of you and praying for a successful outcome.

 

[Turkey Hunter]

Was tough for me

Was tough for me

My daughter was 2 at the time and my son was 9.

No matter the age of your children, they know something is up !! My daughter was very aware of something big happening. I strongly recommend that you tell both in a way that they will understand for their own age. As with my daughter, we used the 'doc is gonna fix daddies heart'. Of course she didn't understand completely what was wrong or why, but she deserved us telling her something was going on and what it was that was happening.

Now the story of how we told my son is very different. He was just about old enough to understand completely. He was old enough and had seen enough of the Learning Channel to ask if I was gonna die. (Long story short) We had a game about daddy being Superman and I answered his question with "Remember, Dad is Superman and no one can take me away or hurt me."

The day I left my children at my brothers when I left for the hospital was again very different. My son I hugged and kissed. My daughter, I hugged as I put her down right when we walked into my brothers house and I sneaked out from there. I couldn't face her.

All that to reiterate that, in my humble opinion, each child needs to be told !!

When the kids came to see me in the hospital on post-op day two. My son was scared to come close until my daughter just walked up and asked to see daddies BIG boo boo. Then they both gave me a hug, and they saw "superman" cry.

Hope this helps.

You will be in my prayers.

Ben

 

[Birky]

kids

kids

My 6 yr.old twins describe mine as when the Dr. cut your heart open. All 6 of them came to the hospital to see me even the little guy who was 3. Crawled in bed with me at the hospital and didn't want to go home. Was nice having that little warm body next to me. They all understood to some degree what was happening to Grandma. They were not freaked out when they saw me and all of them except the oldest(14 yr. old boy)saw my incision. After a few months the twins wanted to touch it and I let them. I walked to the park last summer with the little guy and he asked if I could put him on the swing after making sure my ****oo was better. He knew that I couldn't pick him up for a while. Kids understand more than we think they do. A 2 year old would be a little difficult to try to explain what was happening. I am sure the 6 yr. old will know what is going on and worry about you. Good luck and I am sure that they will be fine and so will you. My grandkids were told that Grandma was getting her heart fixed since she was so tired all the time and that she would feel better after it was done.

 

[bvdr]

I told my 3 year old grandson that I had a problem with my heart that the doctors knew how to fix. I told him that God already knew all about it and would help the doctors fix it well.

I told him I wouldn't be able to lift him for a while so we would have to figure out another way to get him up into the SUV. I asked him what he thought would work and he came up with a little step like he uses by the sink. For a long time afterwards he would take care of getting his step out and climbing into his seat.

When he visited me in the hospital he just sat on the bed with me and raised and lowered every part of the bed that moved. My daughter-in-law looked a little worried but she keeps a tighter reign on him than I do.

You might mention that you don't know how tight of hugs you can have right after you get fixed but you might have to wait and see. Tell all your kids that a tight hug might hurt but it won't break you or anything.

I can tell you love your kids very much and hope this surgery is just what you need to spend many many happy and healthy years with them.

 

[Raverlaw]

Betty,

It wasn't the tightness of the hugs that hurt me - my daughter had a habit of running up to me at full speed and giving me kind of a body slam hug. I told her she wouldn't be able to do that for a while. So now she just comes up gently and hugs. I also used to pick her up while hugging her and sping her around, but I won't be doing that for a while either

Kids are very understanding and accepting. They accept that I am fixed and don't worry whether I am over-doing it like some of the adults do. They are also considerate of my limitations in a matter-of-fact way without being condescending about it like some of the adults are.

It was a lot easier for me to tell my 10 year old daughter about my pending surgery than it was for me to break it to my parents....

 

[dwfreck]

Daniel,

My son was 6 and my daughter 4.5 when we told them about my surgery. My son is the bright, inquisitive, sensitive type, too. First we had them listen to my wife's heart and then to my heart to see if they could hear a difference between them. My son said, "yes," and my daughter said, "no." Then we explained that there was a difference between my wife's heart and my heart, that the different sound meant that my heart didn't work correctly, but that my visit to the hospital would fix my heart. They understood the difference, and the need to fix my heart. We then told both kids they could ask any questions that they might think of before surgery (which ended up delayed a month). They both got as much of the truth as they could understand, and as much as they felt they needed.

 

[danielgilboa]

thanx for your ideas, and - developments!

thanx for your ideas, and - developments!

Hi All,

Thank you so much for the ideas you have shared with me and your great support. Later my wife will join me to read these together and we will sort out our unique combination.

And the developments - unfortunately we got a rehearsal. A few days ago a came down with high fever (un explained at first). Since I was a week after dental work and several weeks before surgery they were very cautious about SVD (infection on the defective valve). They hospitalized me for 4 days until they could sort out what was really happening with me. My 6 yearold did ask my wife if daddy is going to die. This really added to my broken heart over his future frights. Anyway, they came to visit me in the hospital, and daddy even came back home. So we figure this has been not a bad preparation.

We will probably tell them in about a week, I will keep you posted.

Thank you all,

 

[bvdr]

Well Daniel, we would like to know what was happening with you too!

I hope you are feeling better and you have no more of whatever it was.

 

[nascar08]

well.. i took it hard when my mom had surgery. well since i am 13 i took it differently. when i told mt 6-7 yr old cousin i told him like i was a teacher. but that just my opinion. i would try to ask him questions like: What would you do if daddy had to have ohs? How do you feel if i told he was to have ohs? that is what i would ask. i know it is hard. Just be yourself and dont show him your upset. I'll pray for you and your family.

 

[danielgilboa]

just a short update

just a short update

Hi again,

My wife Yochy finaly had time to read through your answers and get some inspiration and support too.

Well, after 4 days in the hospital they came to the conclusion it is a urinary tract infection. Now Im getting antibiotics and feeling much better. Coming close to surgery date did put me under additional stress, since if I do not get good and healthy surgery gets bumped away.
This Wed I go for my cath and hope to get final clearance for surgery the week after.



Daniel

 

[dwfreck]

Daniel,

I'd like to add that the hardest thing I did with my kids before surgery was hug them before I left for the hospital.

They were just waking up, and grandma was going to watch them for the rest of the day, so I grabbed two quick hugs before I got into the car.

The hard part was I didn't want to let them know how scared I was that I might not see them again, but I still wanted them to always remember how much I loved them, just in case.

Then I went down to the garage and cried on my wife's shoulder for a few minutes.

Good luck with your infection recovery and pre-op tests.

 

[Harpoon]

What everyone else said...

My son turned three a month before my surgery. We explained that daddy was going to the hospital to have his heart fixed. We told him that I was very sick and that the doctors in Cleveland (He knew where we were and had been there when I was first evaluated by the folks at CCF, though he never actually saw the hospital)

We also explained that I would be gone for a while, at the time we had no idea how long that would really be!!!

We bought a little photo album and took polaroids of mommy, daddy, papa, and our two cats. I also made a small drawing of Tigger for him and we took one photo of me holding him upside-down (mind you, I was in SEVERE CHF at that point, bull-headed too!)

At the time we assumed it would be about a week or so. Our son would stay with his grandparents and their four kids and he just loves being with them.

What became hard was explaining to him that I was "sleeping" after the surgery when I spent five weeks on the vent. he really wanted to go home and that's all I heard when I was finally able to speak to him over the phone from my hospital bed. That was really tough for all of us.


When I got home though, everything was all better. He still loves the "novelty" of my ticking heart and he shows it off to his preschool buddies. They have a few old style stethescopes in the class to play with and every once in a while I have the whole group of kids taking turns listening to my heart, trying to figure out what's going on, why mine sounds different from everyone else's.... =)


Be frank, straight forward. You don't need to go into grand detail, just tell him that you're going to have an operation to make your heart work better. it may be a little while before you get home (hopefully sooner rather than later) and when you do get home he needs to go easy with you for a while as you heal up. That was one of the big things we stressed with my kid before surgery, not hitting my chest. He likes to do that to people and we knew that he just couldn't with me for a LONG time. He still tries on occassion but I block him fairly well.

Doctor's are gonna make my heart work better because it's not working very well now. it's going to take some time for me to heal, but I'll be stronger and feeling better real soon after I come home. I'll be away for a while so I can come back and play more with you than I do now... That works well if you haven't been able to play as much as you used to because of your heart.

Simple terms that little kids understand.

Answer their questions, but don't volunteer information beyond the very basic, "I'm going to have an operation to fix my heart" kind of stuff.


By the way, I'm not sure kids really think of parents or other family members dying unless they've already experienced it or they're much older, 8-10 or more... You probably won't have to cover that "possibility" with them unless they bring it up and it's best NOT to get into that yourself.

 

[danielgilboa]

you hit a sensitive nurve there....

you hit a sensitive nurve there....

Hi Dale,

Wow, you are realy picking on the sensitive point now. When I was in the hospital last week, it was right after getting back from a 10 day business trip. I saw my kids for 5 minutes between the airport and the hospital. I was feeling auful, the hospital was making me mad and so on. When I thaught about them not seeing me for so long, and not undestanding why I was taken to a hospital, the worries and all - that's what really broke me....

I don't want to think of "the day before". I am thinking in terms of getting back to them even better than I am now. But it will be hard.

We liked your idea of "comparing hearts". In a few days it's their line up. I'll tell you how it went.

Daniel

 

[Brian]

My experience was like this...right from the word go I told my kids and wife the whole picture. The hardest part for me was coming home from my yearly routine Echo and having to tell them..that was the tough part for me...I was having a hard time with it and I had to be strong in explaining them the situation and what needed to be done. Not once did it ever cross my mind that I would not get off the operating table and nor did I ever want to let them think about that too. Maybe I was sticking my head in the sand, but the thought wasn't at all a possiblity. I did a huge amount of research on the net and when ever I came across anything I would get the kids to come over and see what I had found...right from the Angiogram procedure to any of the other stuff. I even found websites that had animated hearts and one had a bicuspid aortic stenosis situation fully animated. That was a good thing ,even for me..
Our kids are 12, 13 and 15 (4 of them..the youngest are twins) and I am self employed..so as you can see I had a lot of concerns as well.
All I can say, is don't hold info back, share it all with your family and you'll all get through it together just fine. I said it time and time again...get as fully informed as you can, research it out...try to get all of the questions answered. I still remember the feeling of being wheeled down the hallway to the Op room...thinking...OMG..I am supposed to be scared...but I'm not...what's with this?? I must not be normal...LOL...

I still feel the worst thing I could have ever done was to keep all of the details a secret from my family...it prepared me in talking about things and it gave them the head's up to understand what Dad was going to be going through.

I hope this helps,

Take care and keep that ticker healthy

Brian

 

[danielgilboa]

going for my cath tomrrow

going for my cath tomrrow

Hi,

Going for my cath tomorrow. It should be a simple diagnostic procedure. I am more concerned with the hole they will make in my leg. How bad does it hurt? how long does it take to heal?
Anyway, I'll know better tomorrow.
We got Gal (the 6 yr.old) a nice outing with his grandparents for tomorrow so he should have fun.

Daniel

 

[Brian]

Dan,
The cathedar peocedure I presume is the same as an angio gram...correct? If it is, the biggest thing that you have to be careful with is to do as they say and lay perfectly still and do not lift a whole lot for 5 days afterwards. The hole doesn't really hurt at all, they us a topical freezing, you'll feel a little bit of a pin prick and that is about it. The cool part was watching what they were doing on the TV/X-Ray monitor..I really enthused about that. I saw my crappy valve at work, because of the calcification on it it showed up very easily. Even when they injected the iodine into the blood stream in the heart, it gave a warm sensation, but didn't hurt at all...LOL..and then the warm sensation went immediately to my crotch...LOL..who says guys hearts and mid sections aren't directly connected...LOL..too funny.. OH YES THEY ARE!!!!!

Seriously Dan, Just listen to what they tell you to do and you'll be fine, it was one of the easiest things that I have ever gone through..

Good Luck Tomorrow

Brian

 

[danielgilboa]

done with the angio gram

done with the angio gram

Hi Brian,

Had the angio this morning. Yeah, it wasn't bad at all and my coronaries are like a kid's!
The only achie part was when they apply pressure on the insision for several hours. But that's gone now. Now I am in the hospital until tomorrow morning trying not to move around letting the femoralis heal.

Daniel